Sensitive soul

The week has been passing.. Not sure if it's been good or bad. I constantly hear myself saying: "I don't like the stage I'm at this week.." But I've been saying that to myself for months. I suppose I'll never like where I'm at, because I mostly don't know where exactly that is..
I can be chirpy and talking and laughing, with or without guilt, that's irrelevant. But that's never a certainty that all is well and good in my world.

Sometimes things can be so easy and instantly they can be so hard. Like the flick of switch. Every little thing that happens, at every moment can cause or trigger anything. Whether it's a certain mood, a certain emotion, a certain sensation.

Our bodies are such amazing things..Everything we surround ourselves by, can have a certain influence on our thoughts.. However things that happen on a daily basis don't have to influence our state of being. It's of a lower level and remains the same. But our thoughts are something that can instantly change, it's our state of being that makes us deal with certain things in a certain way.

Every sound, sight, touch and taste can cause us to feel something. It's processed and we can choose what to do with a certain interaction. We can take from it, whatever we like. Without being aware, a person could respond to the same things in the same way, each day, over and over again. It's a habit, it's normal and the mind is so powerful that it has you believing that that's how it's supposed to be. But it doesn't. If a person becomes aware that they hold the power of THEIR minds, then this person can also change how certain daily interactions effects their lives.

If I'm talking and laughing, but feeling really awful instantly when I'm alone and I've switched off to my surroundings, then does that mean that I'm focusing on just being me, which is a happy state of mind, even though I still feel sad. I choose to switch off all my senses and focus on myself and my thoughts because I'm otherwise not doing anything good for Fay or I'm not dealing with Anna. Do I thrive on feeling awful? Am I making things worse by giving in? But what if I'm tired and upset, do I have to still be chatty and positive, just because that's the person I am? But who's to say that I'm that person? Am I just trying to be that person, when really I'm not up-beat and loving every living thing? If I'm still focusing on getting through each day without pressurizing myself into recovering at high speed, then surely these thoughts, feelings and positiveness aren't all fake.. Surely they are real feelings..surely it's me..

When I start to feel low after being on a high, does everyone think I'm doing it on purpose just to prove that Anna is still in there? Is that what everybody thinks? Because that's not how it is.. I wish it was a simple as that. I never know what the right thing is. I never know what I'm supposed to be feeling or how far along I'm supposed to be. Because I don't know what's to come, I don't know what's normal when it comes to getting over anorexia. Diann said that there isn't one person that goes through the same recovery process. Everyone is different. Personalities are different and everybody's level of sensitiveness is different too, so the emotions, adjustments and behaviour will all be different aswell.

In months to come, I'll probably look back, and I'll see all the stages. I'll see that I was worried for no real reason and I'll see that that was just my way of getting through it. It's my way of recovering, pushing and pushing to come out the other end. Every little detail that comes up, every doubt, every fear, every vibe, every memory, every single thing needs to be analyzed and dealt with, just in case I overlook something and it comes back to haunt me.

I'm capable of feeling 2 things at the same time. This is something most people take for granted. For weeks and weeks I wasn't able. Everyone around me just had to deal with my moods and emotions. Now, it comes natural again. But I don't have be someone I'm not. I don't have to act grumpy just because Anna still wants to control me. I don't have to act happy, just because I'm energized. I don't have to prove how good or bad I'm doing, by acting a certain way. I should be able to speak my mind, all the time. But I can't, not yet. It's still so hard, but that doesn't mean that I should act differently to how I'm feeling.

Nothing about my feelings are fake. Not even the fact that I ignore Anna when she tells me not to laugh. Because my laugh and enjoyment isn't fake. It's how I feel at that moment. It's Anna that's telling me it's bad, but it doesn't mean it isn't real.. I am who I am, I'm sad when I'm sad, I'm happy when I'm happy. If I'm a positive state of being, then feeling sad won't ruin my spirit. As I'll still be embracing whatever life throws at me, and when the tears flow, I'm embracing the sadness and loving life and what the tears mean.. Breaking away and freeing myself..No more restrictions.