Stress & Food 1

It's Tuesday evening.. Went to see Diann this evening. I was so tired, that I really wasn't up for it, in all honesty. But I had a lot on my chest, and only had the energy to get half of it off. Today, for the first time ever, I only realized just how hard it is to be open up to either someone close to you or to a professional. It doesn't matter who you open up to, it's still hardest thing ever. It makes you feel vulnerable and conscious of yourself, maybe even paranoid.

When we were driving down today, I kept thinking that it would be so much easier to just keep everything inside, to bottle it all up. Then I wouldn't have to feel awful about it, and I wouldn't have to be honest, I wouldn't have to feel like a failure. Because I knew that I would feel like a failure for owning up to feeling bad. I would be doing Fay good, and by doing so, I'd be neglecting Anna and that means I'm failing. At the end of the session, that's exactly how I felt. I felt silly, I felt like I was making a mountain out of molehill, I felt like I was betraying something or someone but I don't know who.. I felt awful because I haven't been doing well, or not well enough, by my own standards.. But surely that should kind of make me feel good..Because Anna is in control. But it didn't.. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't..

Where is all this mambo-jumbo leading.. Well, the past week has been up and down, like a roller-coaster. Good days, bad days. People, plans, talks, drinks, food.. life in general I suppose. I felt alien all week, as it had been so long since I'd been able to do so much and feel fine about it all even though I'm still trying to get over it and get my energy back for the next big weekend.. because on Thursday I'm going to Holland for 4 days.

Last Thursday, big problems trying to eat.. I didn't want to. I wanted to go for just one day without eating.. Can I? I can, but I didn't, I wouldn't let myself and I ate. This morning, big problems trying to eat.. I wanted an extra slice of toast, I wanted to eat intuitively and I wanted more, but I couldn't. I threw it in the bin, broke down and went back to bed where I cried my eyes out.. Why? I don't know.. Can't answer.. But Diann could. Last Thursday I was subconsciously worried about Emma and Orla coming over. Today I was subconsciously worried about this weekend. I wanted last weekend to go well and I want this weekend to go well. All the worrying is causing stress and that's why the eating becomes a problem. That's how I used to deal with stressful situations.. The "not eating" was my weapon or my shield. It got me through the "tough" times.. It helped me deal with daily stress. But that's what I'm trying to change so I have to keep on eating, no matter how mentally strong or weak I'm feeling and no matter what's going on around me. I have to keep on eating. I never knew that stress had anything to do with not wanting to eat and feeling bad. However I do remember, back in the beginning of all this that whenever I was feeling bad, low, depressed or anything.. those were the days that I would cry after every meal, because I didn't want it. The food and the emotional stress are linked together..again, it's the pathways in the brain.. This is how my brain had been operating for so long, that it's still likely to make me act in that same way as I did 6 or 12 months ago.

Diann said, I need to start seeing this "not letting myself eat" as a warning sign. The moment I'm standing by the bin, throwing away food that's causing some sort of issue, or that's making me angry or that's raising a barrier, I should see it as a red flag. I'm not to worry about not eating that extra slice of toast but I'm to think about what else in going on in my life that's making me feel bad, because there's something there that's stopping me from eating. If I can step back and see what the issue is, then I can deal with it which in turn will stop me from stopping myself from eating.

After standing by the bin this morning, I kept on having visions of me doing the exact same thing, back in the kitchen, in my place back in Holland. The bin, the feeling I had as I stood there.. After cooking a proper meal, having a normal portion, sitting down to eat it, but not being able..sneaking to the kitchen, so my roommate wouldn't here that I was throwing away a perfectly good dinner and that I was having a bowl of muesli instead and covering it up so my roommate wouldn't notice that I hadn't eaten it I'll never forget the confusion that I felt because I couldn't answer my own question..: "Why can't I eat this tasty meal?".. The only thing I remember is the barrier between me and that meal.. I would want to eat it so badly, but I just couldn't. I'll never be able to explain that feeling and nobody will even understand it, not unless they've experienced it themselves.. It could be so easy..just eat that meal.. But it's not like that at all.. I can't quite put it into words.. Those visions kept on going round and round my head.
Me and the bin..

Pressing Pause..