Stress & Food 2

Stressing about this weekend, is obviously having an effect on me. Diann said that I have to take each day as it comes. I know she's right. Because the minute I start trying to plan things and hoping and trying to predict that I'll be in the right frame of mind to be able to do all these things, that's when I start to crumble. I can't predict the future and by worrying about it, isn't going to make it turn out any better. It will only muddle me even more. I had already come to the conclusion, that I have to only do what I'm feeling capable of.

Nobody expects anything of me. If I'm exhausted and not able to be enthusiastic..then so be it. It doesn't matter. Recovering is up and down, constantly. The people that matter the most, know me, and they know that I'm not putting up some kind of front. I'm not looking for attention. I don't want to act worse or better than I am. Every hour, that can change. It's the combination of unstable emotions, unstable energy levels, unstable thoughts, unstable cravings.. everything is still all over the place. So I can't expect myself to be chirpy and full of life constantly. It will come and go, as it has been doing over the past months. I shouldn't stress about it, and just let it be.

I was looking at a program the other night. There was a woman, she was a psychic and was predicting the future, for herself. It showed her, sitting at a table, surrounded by candles, talking outloud to herself. She was predicting, in a meditative kind of way, what was going to happen to her the next day. Apparently she was going to have a huge argument with her husband. She then started crying frantically and she was so petrified of what she saw in the future. She got herself worked up in to such a state. It was the weirdest thing to look at. I personally, thought she was a little insane. I mean, who does that? Looking into the future, seeing what's going to happen and then having a breakdown, because of the fear. Well, it might sound crazy, but to a certain extent, I could relate that to me.

I couldn't get the image of this woman sitting there out of my mind. It slowly started to dawn on me, why. I cry in bed, I worry about how things are going to turn out, I get scared and sometimes I don't even know why. I can't predict what's going to happen over the next months, but I try and that's what gets me so worked up. A frenzied state of mind and the illusion of fear takes over and brings me down. I looked at her, and thought she was insane..

Nobody can know what's going to happen in the future. So why worry about it? Letting go and releasing myself of the fear of being 50 kilo.. Because I don't know if it will be all that bad. I don't know if that's my set-weight. I don't know how it will make me feel. I could be so much happier being 50 kilo's instead of 40. Maybe I could hate myself for it. I just don't know. I don't know what I want to do and where I want to go and how long I need to be in Ireland. Worrying about the decisions I still have to make, is insane. Who says I have to make decisions anyhow? Nobody..

I have to "practice the art of now". It's all about today, about this moment and not about the next. Does it make me happier to worry? No, if anything it only makes me more miserable. Anna knows it makes me miserable and knows that she can control me in that way, and therefore she makes me worry, almost constantly. So I have to live for the moment. This will give myself peace of mind, and that's what I need right now. Peace without plans. Peace without pressure. Peace without restrictions. Peace without expectations. Peace without stress. It could all be so easy...

Pressing Pause.. again..