Strolling awarenees

It's Sunday evening, or nearly. It's only 04.30, but it's getting dark already. I've had a few big days, with some massive steps..or so it feels anyway.

A half an hour ago, I put on my runners and I went for a walk. I finally took the plunge and did it. I was told to push the boundaries, and take an extra step when I'm feeling up to it. I told myself when I woke up this morning, that today would be a chill-out day, because the last 3 or 4 days I feel like I've been constantly pushing myself further and further. But the walk was a spontaneous decision and it was only short, just around the block. I probably wasn't gone for more than 15 minutes. It was fine and nice to just walk without a purpose. Nice to be pushing myself, but not overdoing it at the same time. I strolled and took it easy.

I make it sound like I haven't walked for years and like it's a huge step. Of course I've been walking, but over the past 3 or 4 months I've only been able and allowed to walk to the car, then from the car to the shops and around the shops and back to the car again. I would never see the walking as an activity in itself, but just "a means to an end"..it gets me to where I need to be and to get me doing things, instead of being cooped-up in the house, 24 hours a day.

Today however, going for that walk, to actually WALK was a total different approach and it even felt different too. I wasn't walking to burn calories and or to get somewhere. But I was walking to feel something. To feel how strong my legs are getting and to feel if they still get as tired after the slightest activeness. I was walking to refuel. I was walking for the good of my health. I was walking for the walking to be an activity in itself.

I felt so different today when I compare it to 5 months ago, when I walking to be active. Back then, I walked to feel the numb-feeling. I wanted the walking to make my stomach rumble and I wanted to feel the spasms in my gut that proved to me that I was damaging myself and that my stomach was shrinking. I wanted to feel that feeling I would always get of not being totally on this planet. The walking and not eating stimulated this feeling. The more numb I felt, the more I wanted to walk to make sure that feeling would never go away. Many a times I would be so "out-of-it" that I nearly got myself knocked down by passing traffic in the process, but that was fine, and I didn't flinch. I didn't get a fright followed by that familiar hot sensation of adrenaline that everyone has now and then whenever they have a close escape. I was walking and I was invincible. I wasn't here, I wasn't on this planet, I was in a place without a name and I didn't care. As long as my stomach continued to shrink and my back continued to crumble.. That was all that mattered.

Today, however, it was a total different experience. I wanted to feel everything good, while I was walking. I wanted to feel strong, for taking it easy. I didn't want to think about calories. I just thought about how different a short walk can be, when feeling that I can name the place I'm in and knowing that I'm here. I wasn't floating and I wasn't sore. My back felt so stable and strong even though my legs were still weak. But I wasn't invincible. I was a person, just going for a stroll, for my health and to get better. I could feel the food in the my stomach, as I had just eaten a toasted sandwich with smoked salmon (delicious by the way), and I felt the food wobbling and it was heavy. That wasn't nice, but I told myself that it's a sign there's literally life inside of me.

I could feel the clouds hanging so low, that it's not entirely raining, but not dry either. I could smell the fresh air. I didn't hang my head in shame, like I did the last time I set out for a walk, 4 months ago because I was so conscious and ashamed of how I looked and I was so scared of what people might be thinking of me. But today I didn't feel ashamed. I didn't look like Anna was in my life. Nobody would judge me for it, because nobody would know and that's fine. As long as I know what's going on, what I need to do and what I'm feeling as I walk around the estate, then that's fine. It's nobody else's business or concern. Only mine.

I was happy to have taken the plunge and I was also happy that I was back home again. It was only a 10 minute walk. Short enough to make me realize how nice it can be to just stroll and long enough to make me realize that my strength isn't totally there yet. But it being too short or too long, that isn't the issue, the issue is that those 10 minutes showed me that the beginning as well as the end are getting that little bit closer.