Tuesday morning 25-11-08

This evening I'm going to Diann. It's now Tuesday morning. I spent all day yesterday in bed, resting and hoping for my energy to come back. I wanted to be alone, so I was. And I was quite happy. Now and then I would feel awful for having pushed myself too fat, on Saturday night, but only because I still feeling so tired from it. I had to start focusing on me again. Or else the week will go to shambles.

Over the weekend, there were so many other things going on around, I had "deserted" Anna and Fay. So, yesterday, it all hit home again.. For a while it's so nice to forget it all, but then I need to start thinking again and I need to remind myself of what's going on. If I don't, then I'll get carried away with myself, and undo all the good I've done. I'm not too sure if I've already undone some of my good work, on Saturday night, but I'm not going to worry about that... Have to block it out, which I've become very good at over the past months.

Digging deep again, to find out where I am and why I've been doing what I've been doing, and why things have been going the way they have been going. I shouldn't need to analyze everything so much, but if I don't, then I've done nothing good. I can't seem to ever imagine me being able to live a normal busy life ever again, without feeling bad if I haven't done anything good for myself. "Good" as in thinking too much... "good" as in reflecting.. "good" as in writing.. "good" as in being alone.. I don't know why, because I was never somebody to love being alone so much but now, that's all I want. Maybe because it's easier. Being alone means I don't have to see how good or bad I'm doing and it means that I don't have to think about what other people might be thinking of me and it means that I don't have to hate myself for not being able to live a full life just everyone else. Being alone, is where nothing happens, but so much at the same time. It's better than seeing other people live and do things and it's better than hearing about other people's plans. It doesn't make me feel bored, lonely and pathetic, if I don't hear it all. Not hearing is like not knowing. Not seeing is like it isn't happening. It's easier..
But to live, isn't to be alone..or is it?

I'm so sick of it all, but I'm just making myself feel bad now, for no reason. I just wanted to have an extra slice of toast, but it's not working. Not today. It's awful. I enjoyed the first slice so much, but the second just isn't doing me any good. Today I was going to eat intuitively, but I'm not too sure that's going to work.. I threw the slice in the bin, and that's that..don't care, I hate this so much and I'm going to bed..