An exhausting weekend

It's Monday morning, Orla and Emma have just left to go back to Holland again. Usually I would have gone to Diann this morning. But it's tomorrow evening instead. That's ok. I can wait. It's probably a good thing. Because so much has been going on around me this weekend that I haven't a clue how I'm feeling right now.

Eileen's 21st birthday party, on Saturday night was brilliant. Beforehand, I was so tired that I was dreading the thoughts of it. But once we were there, and the party got started, it was great. I had around 3 or 4 glasses of rose wine, the whole night which wasn't really that much and I didn't feel the need to keep on drinking. If anything, at one stage, I probably would have preferred a water. It was nice to feel in control.

I was so worried, that I wouldn't be able to dance and join in the fun. Not for not wanting to, but for not being able to. But I surprised myself, and had so much energy, that I danced and danced. It was so much fun. But I was paranoid, at the same time, about being around so many people, that I hadn't seen for so long. I switched it all of and didn't let it hold me back even though I felt like I was being watched all night..how much is she drinking? was she eating any of the party food? was she dancing too much? did she seem drunk..? I felt like there always someone observing me, either thinking that I'm doing really well, or thinking that I'm better or thinking that I surely should be falling down in heap at any given moment.

But I didn't care. Everybody can look at me all they want and think whatever it is they want to think. Nobody else has any idea of what's really going on, only me. Nobody knows how much drink I'm able for, only me. Nobody knows how energized or tired I felt, only me. I didn't feel guilty for having a good time and for forgetting all about Anna for hours at a time. I had told myself that there's nobody judging me and that I'm allowed to have as much fun as I want.

I haven't felt so much adrenaline and energy for months. It was the combination of so many great things going on around me... the atmosphere, the music, seeing family again, seeing Eileen so happy, being able to just be present at the party... So many things that the energy came natural. I didn't need to think if I wanted to or was able to go mad. It just happened. I wasn't trying to prove anything. Not to myself or anybody else. I didn't expect me to able to get up and dance. But I was. Now and then, I knew I might have been overdoing it slightly. But Anna wasn't driving me. So I didn't slow down. It turned out to be a better night than I had anticipated.

It was over at 1 and by the time we were home and and off to bed, it was around 3 o'clock. Before going to sleep, I had to tell myself, over and over again, that the (invisible) "ceiling" to my enjoyment in life, is sky high. I didn't want to wake up the next morning, in a bad mood and feeling guilty because I had deserted Anna. I fell asleep after talking all kinds of positive things into my head.

Sunday morning, I was awake at around 08.30. Far too early. But I couldn't sleep any longer. I wasn't hungover. I wasn't feeling bad or guilty. But I was exhausted. The tiredness I felt yesterday, I hadn't felt since the beginning of this journey. I was hardly able to walk and even talking took too much effort. Noise was tiring and painful and put an enourmous amount of pressure on my head. My body ached from top to toe and the fact that I hadn't slept that many hours, didn't really help. Thinking about anything, other than nothingness, was too much. I couldn't even look at the photo's of the night before, because I would relive it all again, and that was too tiring.

I remember when I first started to take the supplement drinks, back in July. They used to get my heart racing, for no apparent reason. My heart was under so much strain, that I could actually feel what these drinks were doing to me... boosting my energy with every mouthful. The same happened yesterday. The first 2 drinks I had, my heart was racing and there was a pressure in my chest, but my breathing was normal. I was afraid to have to second one yesterday, because I hated that feeling they gave me. But I needed them and by the third drink, yesterday evening, the heart wasn't racing anymore. Just goes to show, that I really don't know what condition my heart is in. That can be scary.

Getting slightly side-tracked..

As I lay on the couch, I wasn't regretting that I had overdone it, on the dance-floor. I could have missed out on all the fun and I would have been more energized yesterday. But it was Eileen's party..and when it comes to "prioritizing" my energy..I used it in the way that I wanted. There was no guilt just exhaustion. All I did, all day, was lie on the couch. I knew I had to just lie there, and wait for my body to catch up again. All I wanted to do was, eat healthy foods, all day long, and rest and think about nothing. I wasn't capable of doing much more anyway, so that was fine.

I went to bed for 2 hours in the afternoon. I needed total isolation from everything.. from the telly, from my book, from the people around me, from anything that required any kind of attention whatsoever. I lay in bed, in total darkness for 2 hours, and was delighted to so. I didn't really care that I was missing out on an afternoon of gallivanting around town with Ma, Emma and Orla. I wasn't able, and that was okay. By 8 or 9 o'clock in the evening, I was feeling slightly better. I was able to make myself some dinner and I was able to be around Sean without feeling stress, pressure or despair.

Today, I'm still not back to normal. Chatting and interacting took a lot out of me, this morning. But I got on with it.
At this very moment, I don't want to have anybody around me. I want to be alone. I don't want to think about the week to come, because it just makes me want to curl up in a ball. It's going to be another big one, and I'm not sure I'm able to cope with it. I'm going to Diann tomorrow, and I don't know if I'm able.. I haven't had enough time this week, to make progress in any way, shape or form. I hope I can settle all this uneasiness down, or else my weekend in Holland (which is this coming weekend) could turn out to be more effort than it's worth..