Achieving by Christmas

On Monday I was talking to Diann about Christmas. She reckons it's one of the most difficult time of year for people with eating disorders, or recovering for one. It's because of what it has become associated with.. eating, drinking and being merry.

Of course it depends on the stage a person is at in the process of recovery that also determines what it is that brings up the most stress.. Besides the fact that the food is always the biggest issue.. Is it the expectations you feel that people around you have from your mood? Is it the guilt for feeling happy, loved and deserving of everything good that comes along with this festive season? Does the joy that it's supposed to bring people, bring on a depressed state of mind that was already there but is only strengthened because of everyone being in high spirits? Is it one of the first times that you'll let yourself enjoy yourself, ignore Anna, eat the food without feeling like a pig, be merry and let yourself feel high on life from the love you feel surrounded by, without letting the guilt get you down?

It could be any of the above, depending on if and when the journey to good health began. For me.. I'm not too sure. I'm allowed to enjoy myself, I can and not feel guilt. I can have some wine or whatever, and not care. I can feel loved and know I deserve it. I'm not too sure about showing others how good I'm feeling and how much I love them. Sometimes I can show it, other times I can't. Sometimes it feels right, other times it makes me feel like ****. Being in familiar surroundings, helps me so much to feel at ease. I'm at home. I'm safe. I'm loved. I can and will be just me and I'll take each day as it comes.

Months ago, or even a year ago, Christmas 2008 was going to be the time that I would be traveling again. I was going to be in Mexico, teaching English and living one of many many dreams. That was my initial plan, back in March, April, May... But that changed back in June. I came to Ireland and I had myself convinced that I was going to be back on my feet and fighting fit, by Christmas 2008..

That wasn't realistic however and I could never have known back then what these months were going to be like and how my body would or wouldn't be able to keep up with my head. I could never have known the toll everything would take and how hard it would all turn out to be. I could never have known that by keeping Christmas in my head as an indication as to when I should be back feeling full of beans again and thriving on life, was me living like I've always lived: obsessing about time, pushing myself too far in such a relatively short space of time, stressing more about what life I was missing out on and how time was passing me by. All this would have led me to not fully appreciate what's been going on with me the past months and therefore would not have embraced it all.

Thinking this way, was doing me more harm than good. I had to change this way of thinking and adjust my "goal".. First of all.. I had to get rid of that word.. "goal".. It's not good to have that word haunting me in my sleep. The only thing it seems to do is put me under stress and force me to live for everything else and to not see the experiences that I'm so blessed to be having at this very moment.. By doing exactly that, I would have let the life I'm living at this very moment, pass me by. So the word "goal" has been erased from my mind..for now anyhow. Then the goalpost, which was Christmas, had to erased. I only did this a few months ago after I "confessed" to Diann, that by Christmas I wanted to be out of here. No, Niamh, that's not good!! Diann got through to me and made me see sense. I know now, it wasn't in my best interest to think like that. So Christmas was no longer classed as a "measurement" as to how much I've achieved.. I've gotten rid of it.

So, what happens now? I'm not in Mexico, I'm not back to full health (not just yet, but I'm getting there), I'm not working and I'm in Arklow. So, should I automatically stress and worry about food? Pressure myself into being the happiest person on the planet, JUST because it's Christmas? Do I stuff myself just to prove I'm getting better?
Well, all of the about aren't really options that excite me, to be honest. They wouldn't be the answer to my dilemma.. A dilemma that doesn't really need to classed as that but it's what I've made it into by analyzing too much..yet again. But he-ho. I'm not worried about that right now.

Diann said that it's good to maybe start associating Christmas with others things than I've usually done. That's what she started to do, once she through her worst stages of Anna. If I were to continue to associate Christmas with what's been troubling me the most the past few years.. fatty foods.. then it will continue to haunt me, forever. That's what I'll automatically think about when the festive season is approaching. This, in turn, could mean that could I'd grow to hate it, or not fully appreciate it.

I always love Christmas so much. Year after year, I'd be like a child on Christmas morning. I'd be the most excited. I'd always be counting down the days. I'd always see it as the most important time of the year. But the food issues seem to have overshadowed the build-up and the excitement of being around family and everyone being in high spirits and full of love and life.. Such a problem it's become that the rest of what this time of year means, doesn't seem as important, which saddens me in a way.

If I could start a tradition, for myself, this Christmas and carry it on year after year then it might not be about me needing to stuff my face with **** all day long. That way, eating lots or hardly nothing, won't determine the enjoyment around this season. Everyone associates it with family too. I do as well, but I know I'm not always going to be around family. So if that's the main thing for Christmas to be a joyous one, then there'll be years that I'll still dread it.. because of not being surrounded by my family AND because of the food issues.. Is this making sense? I don't know..

It might sound like I don't want to be around family at this time of year, but of course I do, because I love them to bits and they're my world. But I'd like for me to have a tradition for ME.. Something that will excite me again whenever I'm traveling and the world is feeling happiness and love by being surrounded by family and eating enormous amounts of foods, and I'm not. It will mean that I'll be fine being without my family (even though I'll miss them always). It will mean that I won't stress about calories when I think about Christmas. It would have a slightly different meaning. Maybe an extra special meaning. No matter where I am or who I'm with, it will be a special time of year for me, if I can carry on a certain tradition that is mine and that I've started to associate Christmas with. Something I can do or be, feel or listen to or experience, no matter what else is going on in my life..

It might sound slightly off-the-wall and for some who don't appreciate Christmas they probably won't see the big deal. But as it was always always always such an important time of the year and meant so much to me, it means a lot for Anna to NOT ruin it for me for good. What a shame that would be. This is a subject that will keep my mind ticking over and my fingers ticking on this keyboard for the next week.. Hummm...