Heart up-date

Christmas..it's an issue.. Eating an apple..it's not an issue, but what I'm substituting it for, is an issue.. there's the flake in the press, still calling my name after 7 days of being neglected. God. I have to have it. I have to eat it. But I've already had a muesli bar, that's just over 100 calories.. more than the usual muesli bar I eat each day, which would only contain 70.. But then, what's 30 calories more or less..

I'm getting totally off course here. I didn't mean to bring that up. I've just got chocolate on the brain at the moment. I was suddenly reminded of when I was a kid, it was Christmas time. I think it was our first or second Christmas living in Holland, so I was 9 or 10. On Christmas day I ate so much chocolate that in the middle of the night I was throwing up and being real sick. Why am I thinking about this? Who cares? Doesn't everybody do that as a kid? This apple I'm munching on, is real tasty.. I have to stop analyzing food and chocolate, because it's just turning my stomach and making me not want to eat..

So, on a cheerier note.. I went to the doctor on Monday, to get my heartscan done. I lay on the table, was connected to this machine and guess what.. My heart is beating.. Yeah, and it's better than last time. Which was in July or August.. months ago anyhow. Back then it was 35 beats a minute. Now it's 60. What an improvement.

All the nutrition, food, rest and extra weight I'm carrying.. That's what it does. The heart muscle is still weak, but that can only get stronger with time. If there has been an improvement, then doctor reckons that there's no need for me to visit the cardiologist. Apparently Ma tried to get an appointment months ago, but we never heard anything back from them. Either way, there's no need anymore.

The irregularity I feel in my chest, is just my heart getting stronger again. The fact that the muscle is still weak, causes the flutters as well. It's all working hard, inside my chest, to get back to how it should be and that's what I think I've been feeling from time to time. The muscle in the heart is like any other muscle. It needs to be trained and it needs protein to gain strength and to grow. Seeing as though I can't run a marathon just yet, I can't train my heart muscle in that sense, but the resting and eating is doing enough work for the moment. Once I'm strong and fighting fit again, that's when I can start running and walking again, and strengthen my heart even more.

Listen to me.. I think I'm getting slightly carried away with myself. But I can only hope..as I continue to munch on this apple, that's turning a light shade of brown because it's taking me so long to eat it.. So, back to my heart. Yeah, that was good news I suppose. Ma was delighted. Me on the other hand, I can't seem to fully appreciate what it could have meant if there hadn't been an improvement or if there had been any other complications with my heart. There was a time, when I would have wanted it to be as bad as it could get, just as proof that I've done myself enormous damage. But now, I wouldn't think that. But a feeling of being ecstatic about these good results?.. no, I didn't get that either..

I had a short chat to Nick, the doctor, when I was there, too. He said I was looking a little better. There was a little sparkle back in my eyes.. but not a lot.. I told him, I thought I'd put back on 10 kilo's. He wouldn't believe me. Thankfully he didn't put me on the scales either and just like Diann has told me so often, he also said, weight is only a number. At the end of the day, that's not what it's about. It's about eating, it's about a strong heart, it's about vitality and it's about bright eyes.