Compliments - Insults - Concerns

Remarks and comments that have been thrown my way, the past year or 2, have stuck in my mind and sometimes at night, when I would lie in bed worrying about 50 kilo's, the remarks would haunt me too. They were mosly made when I was traveling. So much time has passed since then, but I can't get rid of the words and they still effect my thoughts and confirm my fears. The people who made them, wouldn't have thought twice about what they could mean to me. Which is the annoying thing about it. But that's a different issue altogether.

I traveled and always had a photo-album with me, everywhere I went. Photo's of friends and family. Some of them were 3 and 4 years old. I would show them to travel-buddies, just to have a laugh. I never thought I minded when people would make fun of how I used to look and when they called me fatty. The difference was so big and that lead them to call me that, even though years ago nobody ever said that I was fat. Maybe chubby, but never fat..

Or when I was working in the Outback, in the pub, the boss would pass remarks about how great my figure was, but that it wouldn't stay that was for long..not with all the alcohol and fatty foods I'd have to eat. But I'd never put on the weight. I'd do everything to keep it off. And I did. Eating healthy, going to the gym and doing yoga.

A few months later the remarks slowly turned from compliments to concern. When I was in Darwin, friends I'd be traveling with, would ask me why I was so skinny. They'd ask me why I never ate, when I was at work. They'd ask me why I was so strict and wouldn't let myself eat fatty foods. They'd tell me to sort myself out, knowing that something wasn't right. They all said that I didn't need to worry about putting on weight, because I was already skinny. The people who expressed their concern, weren't only the people I was close to. Sometimes customers in the restaurant I worked in, would tell my colleagues how skinny I was. Or my boss would tell me to eat or else I'd burn-out, judging by the pace I ran around the restaurant 10 hours day. Can you imagine.. me and him didn't even get along, and we never spoke, but he expressed his concern and could see that what I was doing wasn't good.

I remember sitting in the hostel, talking to a friend about my weight and I said that my Ma would go mad, if she'd see how much weight I'd lost. But I didn't really care. I was feeling fine and looking good (or so I thought) and the compliments and concern only gave me a boost. It made me feel better and made me want to stay the same weight.

When I got back from traveling, I remember what people said to me. Things that gave me more strength to fight and keep the weight off. Ma said: "Niamh, don't you go buying any clothes, because you'll be putting back on all that weight that you've lost". And it wasn't said in a nice way either. I thought to myself: I'll show you, and everyone, that this is how I'm supposed to be, this is the new and improved Niamh..

Any comments or remarks made after that, I didn't hear. I didn't think anymore about what was happening to me. I just got on with my mission, that was impossible, as I' eventually proved. A mission to stay skinny and live normally. The comments made 8 or 9 months ago, like: You can eat whatever you want, you're skinny anyhow".. and said not in a nice way, but in the most jealous, spiteful and patronizing way possible, made me feel so awful.

I never knew why these comments effected me so badly. Wasn't that what I was aiming for? To be skinny and stay that way. So why did a remark like that, that would usually make me feel better, make me feel disgusting? Maybe because I knew that it wasn't natural anymore. I knew the strain I was putting on myself trying to keep the weight off. I wasn't able to eat anything I wanted. That particular remark, was made back in April. And then I secretly knew, that there was something real bad going on with me. But I never said, I just sat there, and brushed it off and smiled. Something I learned to do best..

All these things that were said to me, I have to let them go. I have to forget them, and maybe be happy they were made, because they have had the effect they were supposed to have on me and forcing Anna to break down.

The comments influenced me, because I let them. But that's life. People will continuously judge others by how they look. It's like people judging how good or bad I'm doing as I recover from Anna..my weight is supposed to be an indication of how great I'm doing. But, underneath it all, it isn't the case. Because over the past months I've felt worse than I felt when Anna was at her worst. Back then I never felt sick and outsiders thought I must have been feeling so ill. Weighing 10 kilo's more was when I properly felt ill.

Trying to answer questions like: who are you? what are you? how are you feeling? by going by how someone looks or weighs..is just so wrong. But knowing this, doesn't mean it's going to stop. It's how the world we live in, has come to work, unfortunately. Whether I agree with it or not, it's not going to change. But I can change the influence other people's opinions of me and remarks towards me, have on me. I can brush them off, just like I just used to brush off the comments of concern. It can't control externals, as I have concluded so many times before, but I CAN control what's the best way for me to deal with it.