Laid back

It's Wednesday evening. There's nothing much going on. I'm not bored, I'm not upset, I'm not ecstatic, I'm not tired, I'm not energized. Just calm. That's all I am. I don't know why, I don't know how. But it's been like this now for days. A lot of things have been keeping my mind occupied. I've been constantly aware of what it is, where it's come from and why.

Yesterday I felt full of beans on the inside. I had energy and I could feel so much life inside me. (maybe the fact that I went to the toilet 4 times might have helped) I somehow felt different. The day started off and I wanted to do lots with all this energy. I felt I could take on the world and be happy with it. After 10 minutes of starting to frantically clean and tidy, I forced myself to take a step back and to look at what I was doing. I could see that I was in actual fact freaking out about things not being in the right place and about the mess (not that there was a big mess or anything). It was so early in the day and I didn't want to ruin it. So I did a little experiment. I left the cleaning and tidying along, and I sat down to write. It wasn't important what I wrote, I just had to.

So I sat down and 3 hours later I was finished on the computer and that was that. I didn't look at the mess. I didn't want to clean. It didn't annoy or frustrate me anymore. I wasn't freaked out anymore. All the nervous energy I had after breakfast that I was going to use to burn calories by cleaning and tidying, was gone. I used it to make me feel better. I used it to do right by myself. I felt great afterwards and still had some energy left to go down town for an hour.

After dinner I wasn't exhausted. I wasn't upset. I wasn't feeling awful. But I was still okay. I had to ask myself.. Do I want to isolate myself? Do I want to shut myself off? Because that's what I usually would do, after dinner. A force of habit. But now, I was still feeling lots of bubbles inside, and I needed to do something with it. I wouldn't have been happy to shut myself off. I ended up reading this amazing book, for a few hours. That wasn't really my intention, and I didn't see it as a chore either. I just picked it up, only to flick through it and I couldn't stop. I felt so good afterwards.

It might sound like a normal day and you may wonder what the big deal is. Well, I was doing all this, yesterday, with a total different approach. I was doing these things without force. I was doing them without effort. I was doing them whilst being controlled by Fay. It was all coming from the heart and not from the head. I took a time-out in the morning which prevented the day from being a disaster. If I would have channelled my energy in the wrong directions, I would have been back in bed by 1 in the afternoon, in floods of tears and the day would have been ruined. An experiment that proved to be a success.

Tuesday night was another little experiment.. I was watching telly for an half hour. It was only early and I could feel that I was starting to feel down. All day I was feeling fine, but suddenly something hit me, and I wanted to be alone and cry. So that's what I did. But as soon as the tears dried out, I started thinking about what Diann said I should figure this week: Whenever you're feeling down and low but have the energy to pick yourself up, in order to stop yourself from giving Anna strength, what could you do to make yourself feel happy and good about yourself? I thought and thought.. I wanted to try a few different things..I'd soon know what felt right. I ended up listening to an audio book I have on my ipod. It was so nice. I lay there, alone but with my bedroom door open, rocking my doll that I have by my bed, stroking her face, listening to this book full of so many brilliant things. I lay there for an hour or so, I didn't feel trapped and afterwards I was feeling a sense of calm and normality. How nice can that be?

So now, it's Wednesday evening. I'm totally calm.. it's feels unreal.. I'm on the verge of being so laid back that I'm nearly horizontal. Or maybe it's because it's nearly time for me to sleep.. hummm.. not sure. But it doesn't really matter.. It's all good again.