The guiding star

Over the past weeks, I've been thinking about therapy and about what it does and I've been thinking about Diann a lot too. Well, of course I think about her. Whenever the slightest little problem, thought or emotion comes up and I'm lost, I think about what she would tell me to do or what advice she'd give and sometimes I'd even hear her voice in my head, asking me the exact questions she needs to ask, in order for me to see sense.

I've been realizing, now that things are making more sense and I'm learning more and more, just how amazing she is. I've been seeing how blessed I am to have been brought to her.. all because of my wonderful Ma, who bumped into her contact-details on the Internet, back in July. I can't put into words just how grateful I am. Diann is such an amazing person. She's been one of the only people (except Ma) I've spoken to over the past 6 months about anything worth mentioning. There was a time when that hour on a Monday, was the only time I'd speak.

I can't really remember the first time I went to see her. Well, not in great detail anyhow. All I remember is thinking how amazing she was for she had beaten Anna herself. She sat in front of me, full of life, strong with so much knowledge and experience. So much charisma, personality all the while glowing. Just seeing her, was an inspiration. That was even before I started to learn from her and before she started to guide me. For someone to come through anorexia and be in the position to care and help others through the same ordeal, I find absolutely amazing. For months I would wonder how she could eat normally herself, when seeing skinny girls all day long who occupy their minds 24 hours a day by thinking, dreaming, hating, craving and avoiding food. How can she not NOT do that herself? How can she be so strong and not give-in to Anna? How can she NOT crave to be skinny instead of crave to eat yummy food?

Sometimes I still can't get my head around it. Because, for me, if I so much as hear about another girl have anorexia, I can want it so badly, again. I don't know how I would be effected if I actually SAW someone with it.. It would probably send me crazy. I would also wonder, why she wouldn't be jealous of girls in my position. I would wonder what made her happy if she doesn't starve herself. I would wonder what gets her through the day without skipping meals. Because I know I wouldn't be able to deal with it.

She is so wise and so young at the same time. She's a free spirit, she's doesn't judge and she's never told me I'm wrong or silly for speaking my mind. She knows so much and always says exactly the right thing. So many times I have walked into her room with the weight of the world on my shoulders and feeling like the failure, the ugly duckling, the ***** ** ****.. the words go on and on.. But she has always succeeded in making me walk out of there, feeling light, revitalized, worthy and special. Just by talking to her..sometimes she wouldn't even need to say a lot, it's just the effect she has..

I've never said any of this to her. I don't want to pry and for a long time it was too hard for me to even think properly or talk properly about girls who have recovered. So I just left all those questions alone. Instead I've been admiring her and because of this admiration I now know for a fact that I was meant to meet her. It wasn't luck. Our paths were destined to cross. For someone to have changed my life so drastically in such a short space of time and for me too see the world and life for what it really is, could only have happened because it was meant to. Some people might not believe in destiny. But I do and even more since meeting Diann.

I wrote her a poem for Christmas...

A shining star that can't be ignored, as it's the brightest by a mile
Reflecting so much wisdom and belief, accompanied by a smile
Encouraging another to find their own soul and glimmering light
As sparkles are strengthened by her presence and by her sight
The brightness is inspiring that certain soul to forever and always breathe
And to cherish every fibre of being that grows, as she helped plant that seed
Her spirit so strong and never weakened by grief, sadness or pain
So powerful a person and an inspiration to all, she'll forever remain
She's a shining star, the light in the darkness and a guide, one to never forget
And there's one person who'll forever be grateful for their paths to have met...

I've never told her how great I think she is. That's just the whole barrier I have between me and the rest of world. No matter much love I feel for anybody around me, I can't always bring myself to say it. Sometimes I can, sometimes there's something stopping me (I must say it's slowly getting easier). It's a Ronan Keating from Boyzone once said "It's only words and words are all I have.."..on paper, in my case.. I don't have anything else (don't think I'm a Boyzone fan now or anything..I'm DEFINITELY not!!) So I hope by means of this poem she might know just how special she is to me.

I could go on and on, but I won't bore you. I just think she's amazing and am forever grateful.. My guide.