Happy-Hour Part 1

The only hour of the week that makes me feel alive. The only hour when I feel I'm allowed to come to life, in whatever way I want. So I do. Coming alive doesn't have to mean being happy, but feeling alive inside can also be by letting out the worries, troubles and tears and talking about the fears and frustrations. When emotions are being brought up, whatever they may be and how good or bad they may feel, that's a sign and a feeling of being alive.

Today it was a nice feeling. It was upbeat because I was upbeat. It was troublesome, because somehow the things that were occupying my mind this week, were also troublesome. Which is so strange because I felt like I had had such a bad week. But speaking about it all and hearing me say the words, didn't make me feel like the ****** I was feeling on some of the days during the week. It just goes to show, that somethings don't always have to feel as awful and bad if they are being relived. Whatever it was that was bothering me and bringing me down, doesn't always have to have to same effect on my mood. So the disgusting feeling wasn't half as strong as it was first time round.

I was telling Diann today about how I had been feeling sick during the week and how it had kind of wrecked my head. She said there's a vomiting bug going round, but I couldn't have got it because nobody else in the house was vomiting. So it must have been something in the sweet potatoe. "A bad batch"..as they would call it. It's a bit of shame, because I enjoyed them so much, but the thoughts of them just turns my stomach, even now that my stomach is back to normal again. That was obviously what was going on.

So we were chatting (or I was ranting, to be quite honest) about Saturday afternoon. I was telling her about the walk I went on, for a whole 15 minutes. The walk that I thought I needed and would make me feel better, but didn't. It only frustrated me even more than I already was because, due to lack of energy, I wasn't able to go further than around the block. I knew the only way I could have gotten rid of that trapped feeling I had in my chest, was to go for a LONG walk. Not an option I'm afraid... When I got back home after walking and realizing I'm not going anywhere anytime soon and that, once again,, this is where I'm "stuck" for now... I sat behind the window and wanted to scream my lunges out. I wanted to roar my head off. I wanted to just explode for feeling so trapped.. What was I to do, when feeling this so strongly but not being able to do anything about it? I had to sit it out and wait patiently for it to pass..

This feeling has come and gone over the past months, but Saturday it was probably the worst and strongest I've ever felt it. I'm almost scared that this feeling is going to get worse and worse over the next few weeks and I also know why. It's because the life inside of me is willing and bursting to get out. Things are getting clearer and clearer and I'm learning and learning and getting stronger BUT STILL HAVE NO ENERGY!!!! That's the whole problem at the moment and it's what's getting to me the most. The fact that I want to express myself to the world. I need to start experiencing. I need to put all this goodness and energy I'm feeling inside, to good use. It needs to escape and I need to escape. But my body is holding me back. I'm physically not yet able.

The more I'm feeling great on the inside, the more it's going to get to me and the more restrained I'll feel for not being able to do what it is that I want to do. As I already discovered during the week, by restraining myself food-wise, I've also restrained myself physically. But I'm lifting the "restraining-order" (to use some police terms..) between me and food so the "restraining-order" between me and my dreams can also be lifted.. They will hopefully both be lifted, soon I hope. Or else I might go insane.

Anyhow, Today Diann could see exactly where I am right now. I'm at a stage where things need to start happening again. I'm in a position to be able to look forward and make plans.. for the future. I'm even, on good days, in a position to look back over the past 6 months and see how far I've come and slowly come to terms with what's been going on (I actually think I've been doing that anyhow, without realizing)...but I'm not going to get into that aspect just right now. No, today it's about me starting to slowly trust myself not to panic about thinking ahead and trusting myself not to slip back into my old habits, as I start thinking about where I want to go, and what I want to do.

Slipping back into my old habits, by looking forward and making plans?? I'll explain.. 2 or 3 months ago, I wasn't able to think about what I wanted to do with my life or where I wanted to be. Whenever I tried, I'd end up freaking out about being in Arklow. I'd end up hating myself for putting myself through this ordeal as it made it impossible for me to travel and to have a social life and to feel on top of the world (by the way..that's the place I love most in the whole wide world.. the top of it..) . I'd end up feeling low and depressed. I'd end up feeling stress and pressure. I'd see websites about South-America for instance, and I'd try to plan how much money and time I'd need to make it possible for me to get to that certain place. I'd put pressure on myself to get better which would automatically create a knot inside my head. I wouldn't be able or let myself feel relaxed or chilled-out because that would mean that I wasn't doing any work to fight Anna. It would mean that I was lazy and it would mean that I should really be back at work.

All these feelings combined, into one little parcel, wrapped up tightly, looking contained on the outside, but the ribbon would be too tightly tied, so everything inside this parcel would be screaming. All the time, constantly. On the outside all looks as it should. The parcel is being as it should be. But it really wasn't. This parcel, being my head and my heart.. All these feelings brewing inside of me just by trying to plan ahead. That's what it would do to me. And the end result of it all? A longer road to good health which in turn would also mean any future plans to stay just that.. Future..never to be called "present".. and Plans..never to be experienced.

So, today I was talking about this to Diann. If a feeling of being trapped causes me to feel claustrophobic and it's so immense, then that should be a sure sign of my body telling me that it wants and more importantly NEEDS more. It's not a feeling of isolation. That's different again. Yes, both terms can indicate being trapped and shut off. But being isolated seems to be the thing I once chose to be. But claustrophobic is a feeling of caused by a space feeling too small and walls being too near. The fear related to the space in which someone must evolve is overwhelming. A person doesn't choose to feel claustrophobic. It's the body's way of telling you, it's too small for you to feel comfortable and to breathe properly. Saturday, the feeling I had, it was telling me, that my soul couldn't breathe. It needed more to be able to be as it should be and to feel safe. The 4 walls of this house didn't give me that feeling..

A person can choose to feel isolated. That doesn't necessarily have to mean fear. Some people like living an isolated life. A person can build an invisible wall around them, in an open space and be isolated. I sometimes would feel isolated even surrounded by people. Sometimes I can still be overcome by this. Sometimes I might still want isolation. But I don't want to feel like the walls are coming in around me and that's claustrophobic. It's like there's no way out. If there was a way out and you knew about it, then you wouldn't be scared of never seeing the door. Because you would know it's there. However, Saturday afternoon I couldn't see there ever being a way out. There was no exit sign. There was no indication as to where I was going and how I was ever going to get there.

The feeling passed..I sat it out and waited patiently.
To be continued