IT'S JUST FOOD

It's the strangest thing, but the more time that's passing and the more I'm figuring out and discovering about myself, the harder it can seem to be. Not only therapy, but everything. I know it's because I'm seeing more and more what has been going on and I'm more and more able to look back and see how I was, what I've been through and how life-changing these past months have been.

The hour with Diann yesterday, was okay. I mentioned to her, that every week I tell myself how awkward this stage is and how I'm not too happy or comfortable with where I am.. it's not about where I physically am in Arklow, but where I am on the road to recovery. It will continue to feel awkward and uneasy. Each stage is different and each stage is new. That's what can make it feel uncomfortable. Each stage I think I've found my zone, but then I discover more or I feel more or I feel less or I find another piece that slots into this puzzle. Sometimes I feel like I've found my way, but then somthing else comes up that can lead me off course. These things, don't have to be things from the past or from my childhood. They can be things I deal with from day to day. They can be things that are happening around me. They can be people that have a certain effect on me; an effect that they usually wouldn't have, but now the effect is different because I'm in a different place than I once was.

I can't know where I am exactly. Not until the next stage of the journey comes along. It's always on hindsight that I can see what was going on. But isn't that the same with most things in life? The key is to see where I am, when I'm actually there. But I might only be able to that if I'm feeling full of beans, vital and strong. I have days when I feel like this and those are also the days that I see everything clearly and I know exactly what's going on. But on the days that I'm not seeing cleary and not feeling strong, either due to tiredness or insufficient nutrition (even though I'm eating all day long), that's when I don't know where I am and it's when the world a weird and fuzzy place.. because that's how my head feels at that moment.. weird and fuzzy. Those are also the days that I hate where I am, I hate my rolls of fat, I hate my face, I hate it all..except the food.. The food that needs to be my friend and that I need to eat to get to where I want to go..so so badly..

Food will get me there, food will let me know where I am. It will show me how far I still need to go. Without the food, I'll be dazed, fuzzy and angry. Anna will arise and the road will be blurry again. Without enough or preferably too much food, I can't do anything. It's seems logical and normal, but it's not. Too much food should be good for me. Or maybe enough is better.. Too much of anything isn't good. But I eat more than anybody else in this house and I think about food more than anybody else in this house. I suppose that's because I have nature of an eating disorder..

Will food be my answer to all? At moment, I think it will, but it doens't have to be like that. Diann said that soon I'll accept food for what it is.. just food, a source of energy to live life. But right now if I don't tell myself how vital it is for me to eat as much food as possible, I'm afraid my attitude will change and I'll automatically slip back into restricting myself and liking the feeling of hunger.

Today, at this moment in time, the feeling I get when I eat will tell me how I'm doing. But eating right now, won't tell me how I'll be feeling in 2 hours time, or even in 30 minutes time. Right now, it could make me feel good and healthy and satisfied, but in an hour the same food might make me feel fat, ugly and gross. I will never know, not until it happens.

It's all about eating for the moment and the feeling it brings up inside of me. It's what Diann has said to me, a lot of times.. eating for the moment, but also to experience the tomorrow. Without eating one moment, I won't fully experience the next or the next.. I won't push this process to appreciate the next stage of recovery, because my weight might slightly drop or my nutritional needs might not be met. Any kilo I might drop, can trigger Anna which sets the ball rolling and bad feelings will come up with the bad thoughts. But I can never know if that's happening or not..

Eating intuitively, what I struggle with each day, is all about eating for the moment.. Listening to my intuition that will tell me what I need at that moment in time. It can be different from one moment to the next. It's answering to my bodys' needs and not denying myself of anything. If I deny myself of my needs, that's when I'm restricting myself.

Eating has to be about what I need and it has to be about the feeling that arises when I'm eating. THE THINKING BEHIND THE EATING. But nutrition is so important..If I haven't yet got enough carbs to keep the recovery going at a steady pace, then my body will crave potatoes, rice, pasta or bread. I have to listen to these cravings and I also have to feel fine about eating it and appreciate the food and the good it's doing to my body.

The visions of carbs making me stodgy, I have to banish from my mind. The feelings of not deserving something tasty, I have to get rid of. My body is a machine in a way, that needs food to function properly. It needs these foods to do what it's meant to for: living a full and happy life where physical boundaries don't exist.. where a life can be lived without restrictions due to mental boundaries I have created for myself, due to insufficient energy levels, due to denying myself any pleasures or comfort my body needs. I'm only human afterall..

Somedays, I'm okay with eating. Other days I'm not. It depends on what's going on around me and it depends on how I deal with situations. Situations change, like moods change, like energy levels change. Whatever is going on with me both physically and mentally changes too, and will influence my food-intake and my dealings with situations. These are all linked. I'm in the process of learning to see it all as it is and I'll soon learn to see food exactly for what it is.. just food.