The true meaning

Restricting.. What is the exact meaning of the word? The dictionary says: to keep within limits, in space, action, choice, intensity, or quantity. I was talking about restrictions and restraints to Diann yesterday. The restrictions are not only bound to food-intake, but also other aspects in life. I've known this and we have spoken about this before, but it wasn't until this week, that I actually felt things that told me I'm in restraint and not doing what I should be doing.

Somedays, when I'm feeling energized, I don't let myself sit down and do what I want to do. I start cleaning or getting annoyed about the most irrelevant little things around the house and I drive myself crazy. This is how I used to operate. Energy was to be used to be active and burn calories and tire myself. This happened during the week. I forced myself to stop the franctic cleaning and do what I wanted to do. I wanted to write. So I did and that's when the stress had gone and when I started to feel calm and happy again. It wasn't until yesterday that I figured out why I massively stress and get angry with all these things I decide to do once I feel energized. It's down to the fact that I'm not doing what I want and need. But the old habits are still there.

After chatting to Diann about this yesterday, she said the disorder is all about restraint, in every way possible. She reckons that I've been working so hard at finding what it is I want to do most and embracing it and listening to it and I've been nearly forcing myself to find out what it is I'm meant to do in life. Doing what it is that I want and what feels good, has been giving me a certain feeling that I'm able to recogize more and more. When the old habits of cleaning when there's nothing to clean and stressing when there's nothing to stress about, start to take control, it feels awful. And that's because I'm working against the process. I'm stopping the flow. I'm not doing what feels right and that's why it can make me feel so bad. Or as Diann said yesterday: It's unnatural to stop a river from flowing and it doesn't feel right.

Deep down, I know that I have to use my energy for what I want to do most, for what I'll benefit from the most and for what feels right. I don't want to use my energy for cleaning, when I know afterwards I'll be exhausted and won't be able to write or enjoy other peoples company, from feeling so disgusting. I have to use my energy for writing, because that's what helps me discover and recover, it helps me to get through the day and it brings me up when I'm feeling down.

The dictionary said: restriction in choice, action, space, intensity and quantity.. Every word I can relate to my life, as I live it right now. I can see in what way I would restrict myself, without wanting to or without being aware, because the old habits are so hard to break. If I tell myself I don't have anything to write, it's Anna. I'm denying myself of my need to express. Writing helps me and that's something Anna doesn't want. It makes me feel good, and that's something Anna doesn't want. Denying myself of what I want to do most in the world, makes me feel bad and that's good for Anna. I would want to write and need to write, as much as I can and as much as I want. If I work against that, my body is telling me I'm NOT doing good by making me feel awful. It's like a warning sign.

It's a battle inside my head. Two things are going on. The bad feelings and the good feelings are there. Deep down, I know what I need and want. I'm at the stage now, that if I act according to my needs, it makes me feel good. Acting against that makes me feel bad. I choose each and every day what it is that I want to do. I choose how to be. I choose how much I eat and when I eat. I choose what and when I write. If I go against the choices I make, I'm restricting myself and it feels bad.

It also suddenly makes sense why I can feel so awful whenever I hear about people traveling. Again, deep down, I NEED to travel. But I'm restricted at the moment, because of Anna. It makes me feel so awful, heart-broken and alone. Sometimes it even makes me feel physically sick and an aching pain arises in my chest. I didn't speak to Diann about this yesteray, but it now makes sense why I can feel that way. Just hearing about another country.. be it New Zealand, Canada, Mexico..and I can feel it coming up.

Not yet being able to travel, and needing it so much, means I'm being restricted in space.. and that feels bad. But a physical restriction can only lifted by recovering. It might feel like a mental restriction. But it's the mental restriction that lead me to be and feel physically restricted...if that makes sense. I wouldn't let myself eat properly, for so long, that I made myself unable to do what it is I want most. Mental and physical restriction are sperate, but they are also one.. Not being able to be active, is also a restriction. Just like the traveling, it will only be lifted by recovering.

So not restricting myself anymore, when it comes to food, will also make it possible for me do what it is I long for the most.. being healthy and active, being healthy and traveling, being healthy and being who I'm meant to be, living the life that's meant for me..a glorious one without Anna.. No restrictions, no restraints, no limits, no boundaries.. The food will eventually give me the wings I've lost..or that I thought I once had, but never really owned.. my wings of freedom..

Isn't it strange just how much your body can tell you what it needs, if you learn to listen to it? In every corner of life.. being and doing, all the time, which keeps us ticking along, living and breathing. I would never have imagined that engaging myself to what I really need from life, would eventually tell me or show me what direction I need to take.. It continues to amaze me.