Never a happy new year

It's New Years Eve. And why is that I'm never happy about all these "special occasions"? Why couldn't I be bothered? Why am I not I excited about them? I wasn't excited about Christmas and now I'm not excited about New years.. I used to always count down the days. But this year I've been dreading it all.

I know why too. That's the worst thing about it. I can answer the question but it doesn't make it feel any better. It just frustrates me because I can't do anything about it. I want to party like there's no tomorrow. I want to go wild. I want to dance and feel fine. I want to get caught up in the moment and feel adrenaline. I want all my problems to be gone. But they're not. I want to be with my friends. But I'm not. I want to feel excited about it all. But I'm not. I'm none of these things that I want to be. The things I expect myself to be. Things I usually am, but not anymore. Not this year.

Every year there's always a certain amount of pressure for New Years Eve to be the best night of your life. It's supposed to be. There's a huge build-up and if it doesn't turn out great, it means you've failed. It means there must be something wrong with you. It means you're boring. It means you don't have a life.. Doesn't it? Well only if that's what I make of it I suppose. That's how I've always thought about it. That's why each year, there would always be a small part of me, dreading it, because of the pressure and because of what the night represents.

This year, I've been almost scared to think about it. I've not been happy about the thoughts of getting through so many hours and having to have the best time ever and knowing that all my friends are having parties and are living and experiencing and not even giving a second thought to all the other people in the world who aren't happy by what is happening in their world.. It suddenly seems so unfair. I'm just feeling so sorry for myself at moment and I'm getting myself down, so much, because I can't be and do as I wish.

It wasn't until this morning that I dared ask what Ma was doing tonight. Because I knew to hear the truth would only make me depressed and upset. I put it off for days and days. Ma has been invited to Julies, so I'll be going along too. That's good, I'm fine with that. At least I won't bring the atmosphere down by feeling massively depressed, which is what I would have felt if we were to have stayed at home.

A few months ago, I wanted to go back to Holland for the night because the thoughts of having to be here, was just the worst ever. But once I had realized that I wouldn't be able, I had to block it out. Then yesterday and today I seriously started thinking about if it would be possible to book a flight and get out of this place, just until tomorrow to escape reality. It wouldn't matter where to, just anywhere, so I wouldn't have to think about how small my world has become. Because I'm so sick of it.

I just have this awful feeling in my chest whenever I think about tonight and I hate it so much. It's all because I expect too much from myself. Diann said on Monday that I'm not able to go for nights out, like I used to be able to. It takes too much of my energy and it takes too long for me to get over it again. I hate it so much because I need to party so badly and the more I dwell on it, the worse it feels. I'd love for nothing more than to go to sleep right now and wake up 24-hours later and for it all to be over. No more depressed feelings, no more pressure, no more feeling like I'm missing out on so much, nothing anymore.

Being where I am now, and feeling the way I'm feeling right now, on New years eve, is so out of character and I can't say how much I hate it and how much I resent everyone for being able to do what they want. I know it's childish, but I can't help it and I don't want to know what everyone else is doing, because it will only bring me down. I don't want to hear about how it turned out to be the best night of their lives. It would break my heart to hear it.. When is this ever going to end, I ask myself for the millionth time..