New Years Eve..1 year ago

It's just one moment in time. One moment it's 2008 and the next 2009. It's the moment that's supposed to change the world and to heal all. From one moment to the next everything should feel different or better..

That's what's expected of it. But is it really that big a deal? Everyone is supposed to get drunk and be merry. But really, what does it matter, where you are, what you're doing or who you're with. Is it really that special? People speak about it as if it really is that important and special. But is it all commercialised, just like Christmas and is the true meaning of the night forgotten because of all the pressure?

I have been thinking back to all the other years, when I would feel the same amount of pressure and feel the same need to succeed in having the best night of the year. But did those parties determine my year? Does a good party on the 1st of January 2009set you up for a good or a bad year? No, it most certainly does not. It should be a time to look back on the past year and see what situation you were in, 12 months ago and what was going on in your life back then. It should be a time to look at what has been thrown your way the past 12 months, the situation you now find yourself in and where you're heading in life. It should be a time to think about how much you've grown, how much you've learned and how much you appreciate all the good and bad things that came your way.

So looking back to this time last year..I remember I had to work on New Years Eve until around 5 o'clock. The whole day I was excited and at noon I was thinking about people in New Zealand celebrating, at 2 in the afternoon I was thinking about people in Oz celebrating.. on and on it went and it amazed me that half of the world living in 2008 and we were still living in 2007.. I was so fixated with that, all afternoon and the world just seemed such an amazing place.

At the same time I was worried about what I was going to have for dinner. Because I knew I'd be having nibbles and munchie foods that evening at Janneke's, a friends house I was going to for a small party, with around 10 others. So I had cereal for dinner which made me feel good. But I felt so drained because I hadn't eaten properly. I was getting ready that evening and I remember watching a documentary on tv, as I got dressed. It was about the Spice Girls, what they were doing now and how they were 10 years ago. Sporty Spice (or Mel C), was talking about her eating disorder. I couldn't believe it and I never knew she was anorexic when the Spice Girls first started. I remember that she used to be real skinny and that she had put on some weight once the band broke up. But this time last year, I was fixated with that and it did something to me. I didn't start questioning myself, but it might have been a feeling of recognition and she was saying how ashamed she felt for having developed the disorder. I didn't really know back then that I was getting worse and worse so I switched off anything that documentary could have brought up. I was fine and I liked being thinner.

I remember getting to Janneke's house and all I wanted was to get as drunk as possible. I hadn't eaten properly so I started eating the nuts and I couldn't stop. Everyone around wasn't pigging out, but I remember feeling like I was. I was amazed that I was sitting around all these people who were able to control themselves around all these nibbles. How can they do that? And of course, the more I drank the more I ate. I told myself that I needed to soak up some of the alcohol too and that I needed a lot of energy for all the dancing I was going to be doing.

Then a girl who used to be my housemate, came in and said at top of her voice, for everyone to hear.. "Niamh, you've gotten so skinny!!".. It did embarrass me but I laughed it off. I was 40 kilo's back then and I wasn't too skinny, just thinner than average. But the fact remained; she saw that I'd lost weight, so I mustn't be fat, therefore I was allowed to stuff my face with more nuts.. So I did. The more I ate, the worse I felt, but the more I drank the more I forgot about it.. even though from the beginning of the night I was fantasizing about a kebab.

We went into town, after 12 and partied all night. It was brilliant..what I can remember of it. At 6 in the morning me and Janneke, went to have a kebab. Finally.. but moment I'd been saving myself for. The barriers were non-existent at that point and I didn't care. I knew I'd make myself feel better again on New Years Day, by starving myself again. It would all be okay.

So that's what I did the next day, but it was torture. I had to go 24 hours without food, because of the kebab. So that's what I did. I lay on the couch and tried to drink 4 liters of green tea. It took me all afternoon. I could hardly do anything. Around dinnertime I managed to get up and go over to Janneke's again. They were all eating chips and sausages and hamburgers. I knew they'd be eating, so going over to her house to see them indulging in hangover food, would make me feel okay again. I told them I'd already eaten, but of course I hadn't. It made me feel great, even though I had no energy. The strength I got from watching them eating, made it possible for me to act normal and to carry on with being happy and hungover and starving. What a happy soul I must have been..12 months ago.. Anyhow, I came home and let myself have a 2 prunes and a hand full of nuts. I went to bed early to stop myself from giving in to my hunger. 25 hours after the kebab I was finally allowed to eat.. and it was an orange and a kiwi for breakfast which had to get me through the next 6 hours. In those 6 hours, I had to walk 20 minutes to work and function properly. I did it, but I've not got a clue how I was able to.

Realizing just how bad I was back then and on how little I was able to live, scares the life out of me. These days, I probably eat the same amount of calories I ate back then in the space of 4 or 5 days and I was even working, partying, walking, exercising, laughing, drinking alcohol. How the hell did I do that (excuse my language)??? My god, I'm just slightly blown away right now..

It isn't really any wonder, why I'm now eating so much and nearly always feeling hungry and not putting on loads of weight..considering my daily calorie intake..

Anyhow, that was a year ago. I remember that night, thinking 2008 was going to be my year. I was going to travel and I was going to stay thin. I was going to work until November in Holland, and then head off to somewhere far. I was going to have a 3 week holiday in June, come to Ireland and tourguide for 3 weeks, save loads of money, book my flights and do a course to teach English in South America. That's what I thought I was looking forward to. Actually I think I made those plans in March. But when the New Year started, I knew I was going to make it all happen. I was going to go traveling again and it was going to be my time again. The world was, once again, going to be my oyster.

Well, a whole year on. What can I say? It didn't all work out quite how I would have wanted it to. I did go traveling..if you can count, leaving Holland and coming to Ireland.. Not quite the destination I had in mind though. That just goes to show, that life never goes as we would want it to. 2008 has by far, been the hardest year of my life. Without a doubt. Sometimes I can't believe that I went through it all. Sometimes I feel like it happened to someone else. Sometimes I still don't think I make it through to the bitter end.

I can't dwell on what was keeping me alive back then. Or what was stopping me from living, without even realizing it. I simply can't. Right now, today, it's about today..