Session on - The dream

After talking so much about the trigger, I ended up telling her about my dream. The dream I had on Saturday night. Or more to the point, the nightmare I had. I fell asleep, while I was watching Desperate Housewives, on dvd. I didn't read, which I usually would do. So my mind was still wired and I wasn't properly "switched-off" after such a horrible day full of ****.

In my dream I was having a nightmare that I was asleep, upstairs in my room. A weird set-up and hard to put into words.. But anyhow, I was trapped in my room. It was dark, the middle of the night and I was alone. The door was jammed shut. I was screaming for somebody to come and help me. Somebody had to open the door, because I couldn't. There was no sound coming out of my mouth but my throat was so sore from trying to scream. My heart was racing and I was in such a state of panic. I finally opened the door and Ma and Sean were there. They were there to catch me and to calm me down. I couldn't speak so they brought me back to bed and that's when I woke up.

My heart still racing and I was so scared of what had happened. I think I continued to sit up in bed. I was half asleep, half awake and I don't know for how long I was sitting there. But I my orientation was out-of whack and I had the worst sleep ever..as you can imagine.

Diann wanted to hear the dream in detail. She asked me what the main emotion was that I felt. Just one word.. Fear. She asked me what could have happened in the dream, to make the fear go away. I could have turned on the lights and my room wouldn't have been so scary. The panic I felt..would that have gone away if I had reassured myself that I was safe? No, because rational and calm thoughts aren't strong enough to make everything feel okay again, when the fear is so massive. If there was someone that I could have made appear, to make me feel calm, instantly, who would it have been? Ma and Sean.. who eventually made their entrance.

I didn't initially see what this dream could have meant and I didn't really know why Diann was analyzing it. But during the hours before going to bed, all I wanted was to be alone and isolated from the world. The next day, the feeling was still there. So I thought that the dream was just confirming that. But it wasn't. Not if Dianns interpretation is anything to go by.

There was a stage in my recovery, when isolatio was all I needed, wanted and longed for so much. I wanted to not to be apart of the world. I wanted to let everything and everybody around me be busy and do their thing, as long as I wouldn't have to even think about taking part. That's what I needed, months ago. But the stages in recovery change. Anna's pressence changes, as do my needs and longings.

Diann thinks that this dream was a sign, telling me that I don't need isolation as much as I used to. I don't need to lock myself away. I need to open the door and turn on the light, in order to feel safe. Whereas weeks or months ago, I needed to close the door and turn the lights off, to feel safe. Seeing and hearing nobody was the best thing for me.

My subconscious mind was telling me, that I know there's so much more out there, that will make me feel better and make me feel safe. Leaning and needing others and being open about it, is also apart of the new phase. But, come to think about it, it won't be a phase, as it will be lasting a lifetime. Because that's how I used to be. Open and never scared to show that I needed people that love me, to lean on. I wouldn't feel like a failure by admitting it. There was a stage, when I wouldn't and couldn't open up to anybody.

Being shown, how Niamh, as a person, feels best and happiest and safest, through a dream or a nightmare or whatever it can be classed as, is the craziest thing to have happened. I read somewhere a few months ago, that people can be told certain things in their dreams. Certain questions can be answered, certain confirmations can be made or can come to light. Clarifications and realizations can be determined. Choosing to see what the dream means is choosing to listen to my inner-voice or my intuition. A voice that isn't always heard or isn't always accessible, during the hours of being awake.

Sometimes it's so hard to know what's best and to know at what stage of recovery I am. Not that there are any written rules about the stages every person goes through on the road to recovery.. but still. Sometimes I think I'm doing exactly what I need and what's right. I can tell myself I'm doing the right thing and the more I tell myself this, the more I'll believe it to be true. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's right. We can convince ourselves of whatever we want. That's the easy part. The hard part is recognizing that that's what we were doing and that it wasn't the right thing at all. So I was convincing myself of I something that I thought was right for me and I needed this dream to tell me that I'm starting to need different things.

I trust the dream I had. I trust my dream telling me I need to open the door. I trust my dream telling me I'm safer when I'm opening up and living in the light of day and being hugged by Ma and Sean.

Going into hibernation or isolation, was a slow process and took over without me being all too aware of it. Coming out of hibernation will also be a slow process. I secretly expect it to happen overnight, but that's being unrealistic. It's also probably the only mistake I made by going to Holland. I thought I could deal with life and with so many people at once. I didn't give myself a chance to slowly "let myself out of my cage". I went from one extreme to another. When I came back, I thought I had to get back to hibernation again, because that's what I missed so much when I away from Arklow for 4 days. That's what I did. I had convinced myself that's all I wanted. But the dream told me, that that's not what I need anymore.

I've been told many times before that I need to trust my intuition and trust myself when making decisions no matter how big or how small. I've been told to learn to fully rely on myself to get me where I need to be and to go where I need to go. I'm so grateful for having had this dream. I so grateful that underneath all the grief I still know what's best for me and I'm especially grateful for Diann picking up on the meaning of the dream. I now don't only think see's a genious in herself, but also an amazing dream analyist..

I'll still have days that I'll need my room and my loneliness. But it will get less and less, because as I get back to full health, my own person will get to how it's supposed to be, too. Not dark, not alone, not scared and not without sound.. All the things in the dream that made it into a nightmare. But bright, with people, fearless and loud.. All the things that would have made the nightmare become a dream. The person I once was, who's in there and who needs to get out.

More to come :)