Session on - The trigger

My session with Diann, yesterday morning, was okay. It had only been 5 days since I last seen her. But, as every week, it wasn't a wasted journey as there always seems to be something to either give out about, to worry about, to cry about, to feel good about or to be happy about.

This week, all of the above, seemed to have taken part. It's a "soup of emotion", as Diann calls it. I sit there and repeat myself over and over again, but as I've said before, that's the nature of therapy.

The whole week I've been trying to settle down after my weekend in Holland. I've been needing to focus on just myself. Nothing more, and definitely nothing less. I needed to get back to eating as much as I can or eating intuitively. I needed to rest and catch up on sleep. I needed to feel safe again and concentrate 100% on getting better.

2 or 3 weeks ago, Diann said to me, that I shouldn't think myself into a knot. I shouldn't feel bad for feeling good. I shouldn't create more torture where there shouldn't be torture. I've suffered enough and need "down-time". Time to not think about anything. This should help me from thinking myself sick, in every sense of the word. I have done this enough times before, to realize that it only makes things worse and I use all the nutrition for the wrong things, which won't make me feel vital and energized and therefore prolong this whole process. I've been trying to avoid doing this, all week long. I was doing so well. I wasn't feeling guilty for not feeling bad and I wasn't forcing myself to figure out more things. But it happened anyway.

Saturday afternoon, something triggered it. It wasn't something major. I was looking at some photo's. Up until then, I was having some good and stress-free days. But instantly I felt awful. However I recognized it as it was happening. I felt down, everything started to upset me. I didn't have all the food I should have eaten. I wanted to be alone and didn't want to talk to anybody. It continued until Sunday evening.

I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I kept on telling myself, that I didn't make this feeling happen by feeling guilty. I didn't bring it on myself. I'm just feeling like this, so I have to accept it. I didn't want it, but it was just an emotion, and I therefore had to own it. So that's what I did. I thought, whilst feeling like this, if I ovethink it, I'll just be making it all worse and creating more problems than there were. And at the same time, thinking about the thinking, of course I was thinking too much..my biggest down-fall.

The most important thing that this should have taught me, was that seeing what the trigger is. If I can recognize what it is that happens in daily life in order for me to feel so low, then I should also be able to teach myself the best way to cope with it. If I can handle it properly, then it doesn't always have to ruin my days and control what I eat.

Nobody can control or know what it is that triggers something inside of you, in order for you to act in a certain way. If we had control over these triggers or knew what they were, then they wouldn't be triggers. We don't know what can happen from day to day, that will cause us stress, depression, anger or feelings of being overwhelmed in some way or another. If we were able to so, we would be able to predict the future and nobody would ever act out of character and the world would be a perfect place.. well, that's what the aim would be. But it doesn't work like that. If only..

You could compare it to anger management. People can get angry at the drop of a hat. These people need to find a way to deal with it. But they can't control what will happen on a daily basis for the trigger to be set off.

I know I shouldn't worry about not having control over the trigger or knowing what it is. I just need to recognize it, when it happens, and find out, what it is that will turn the depressed, angry, sad or lonely feeling around and to feel a little better, if possible.

Resourcing. That's what Diann said. Everyone has something different that will make them feel happy and that takes them away from their own thoughts, when the thoughts get too much and too overwhelming. I tried to do so many things, whilst being alone, on Saturday just to make it all stop. I tried reading but I still felt low and depressed and was still thinking too much. I tried to listen to music but that either made me feel sad and cry or it made me feel like partying followed by self-pity for not being able to or the music just plainly gave me a headache. I tried doing nothing, but of course that made things worse. I wanted to watch a dvd, but couldn't concentrate, so then I watched some of the boxset of Desperate Housewives and fell asleep, hoping and wishing for the morning to come.

Sunday it continued. I went from reading to crying to isolation to sleeping to writing.. And then it finally lifted. The writing took me out of it. Diann reckons it depends on the mood and the trigger as to what it is that will feel good and right at that moment of doom and gloom. For me though, it can feel so wrong, even when I've found what it is I need to get myself out of my own head. Because I'm afraid of forcing everything. I seem to think, that if that's how I'm feeling, then that's just how it is and I should give into it. Diann said that sometimes you will be tired of picking yourself up and that the feeling will take over. But it doesn't have to be like that all the time. Especially when I get stronger and more and more in control of Anna.

A normal life will take over, once Anna leaves, and daily things will constantly have an effect in some way or another. Whilst "working and playing" we are all influenced by externals.. everything on the outside has some sort of effect on ourselves, inside. We can't control externals, but we can control how we process it, internally.

I can't control the trigger but I can control what happens after that. I'm not to let it ruin my food-intake. I'm not to let it bring me down. I've been doing enough of that the past 6 months.. But it's hard, because I don't always have things I would usually have, around me to make me feel okay again. Like going for a walk, meeting up with friends, an instant change of surroundings other than this kitchen with the walls coming in around me. But temporary circumstances shouldn't make me sad or upset. I'm strong enough for such a small thing to NOT have a hugely bad effect on my getting better. Really, I shouldn't and I therefore won't..

More to come :)