Tidying & Traveling

Yesterday, Tuesday, I was in a strange strange place. I thought I was okay, when I woke up in the morning. But I wasn't. Not once I had finished my breakfast. First of all, I was still feeling sickly and second, I was still really tired and I had so much to write about, but I didn't have the energy or time and I needed to "save" everything for when I was going to see Diann. Otherwise I would have totally been wiped-out, before seeing her and the session would come to nothing.

I was planning on doing nothing in particular, all morning. All I wanted to do was lie on the couch or in bed, and read my book. But I needed to unpack and sort out some of my things. I started off okay, I was doing things slowly, pacing myself. But I saw more and more things that needed to be sorted. It all needed to be done, as soon as possible so I was getting faster and faster, doing 20 things at once. I was frantically tidying and sorting things out. I was going mental on the inside. The bedroom was a mess, because Eileen never cleans up after herself and I hadn't been there for 4 days, so it had gotten real bad. I ended up cleaning her stuff up and sorting out so much ****. But really I was so tired from the day before, but I was almost possessed. I couldn't stop myself and I knew I had to, but it wasn't enough to get to me to slow down. The more frantic I got, the more mess I saw and the cleaner and tidier everything had to be...

...I had lost all track of time and all I remember was, at one stage, that I just couldn't do anything anymore. I stopped and broke down. I cried like a baby and couldn't move. I was trying to hold myself up and needed to lie down but I wouldn't let myself. The longer I stood there, up against the wall, the more distraught I became. I forced myself back into bed, where I cried but quickly I calmed down again. I had to stop thinking about the room not being tidy. I had to switch off and just relax. I went downstairs, and it was 1 o'clock in the afternoon...

...It was as if time had stood still or the world had stopped, while I was having my little episode upstairs. I didn't feel like me. I didn't know what was happening and I don't why I was overcome with such grief by the mess. I felt awful again. I told Eileen when she came home that I had been busy in the room and I hoped she wasn't going to kill me. I don't know why I thought she would care that I had been sorting out her stuff. But she was thrilled, which was strange because the whole afternoon and evening it played on my mind, the distress I had when I tidying up and the pressure I put upon myself and the grief I felt, that for some reason I thought she'd pick up on it and be mad. But all she saw was a tidy room and she even thanked me. It would have been no skin off her nose if I would have tidied or not.. But to me it was such a massive big deal.

I forgot to talk to Diann about it yesterday afternoon. I should have written instead. I felt it all brewing but I choose to ignore it, because I was going to Diann as well and I didn't want to over do it. Unfortunately it turned out a little different. I know that this episode was the price I had to pay for the weekend I had been through. I was either still living the "fast and stressed" life that I felt I was lived over the past 4 days, or it was the distress from Saturday needing to get out in some way or another and I was suddenly in safe surroundings so I was able to let it go and break down the barrier. I was probably just getting rid of my rage. I know now, that I should just sit down behind the computer and and type a load of nonsense instead. That's a lot more beneficial. I wouldn't have wanted to see myself on a videotape, yesterday morning. I don't think it would have been a pretty sight.

Yesterday evening, after coming back from Wexford, I was feeling okay again. Not too bad, just tired and I wanted to be alone. I had forgotten about the little episode. But then I heard talk about Australia from Eileen. I didn't pick up too much of it, but I wanted to hear it, just to make myself feel miserable again..and mission accomplished.. That's exactly what happened. Tears again. The whole fear of not yet being able to travel and not being able to go and be where I want.

All my dreams..remaining exactly what they are.. just dreams. It was torture hearing Eileen making plans about going over. I'm afraid to talk to her about it, I afraid to properly listen. I don't know if and when she wants to go because I haven't asked. It's almost heartbreaking. It makes me feel so low and sometimes I just can't deal with it. Like yesterday. Back in bed again and I was once again talking myself into keeping things real..the mantra: I'm here for a reason, I need to be here, I will travel again, my time will come, I'm already on a journey. On and on I went, round and round in my head. I had to stop myself from going mad, all over again. I hate being so envious and resentful when I hear of other people traveling. I'm not that kind of person, but sometimes I can't help it. I want to be happy for her. But I NEED to travel so much, myself, that it hurts to know I can't even go to Holland for 4 days without missing my bed.

So quickly my way of thinking changed, from: feeling okay about being in Arklow until I'm better and in full health, to: wanting to jump on the next flight to New Zealand and work for a year and bungee jump everyday, if possible. The space of 3 or 4 hours was all it took, for me to back to my "dangerous" way of thinking. So annoying. One minute doing so well, the next doing the opposite. I can hardly keep up with my head sometimes..it's a miracle I haven't driven myself properly insane yet. Then again, sometimes I do feel like that's where I'm heading.

I'm going to bed shortly. Tomorrow it's another day. I've been awake since six o'clock this morning. Because I was uneasy that I hadn't written for so long.. It's even keeping me from sleeping properly. Things should start to settle down in a few days.. I just need time..