Tuesday 02-12-08

Sitting with Diann yesterday afternoon, I had gone through most of the weekend with her, bringing it all up again and hearing myself saying and admitting things outloud.

When I got to Holland on Thursday night, I knew I shouldn't have gone. It felt so wrong, it felt so awful. Everything about the country stood against me. The motorways, the time obsession, the people. Even the language. I didn't want to be there, at all. It made me see just how different Ireland and Holland are. The speed they live at, is just so fast. Here in Ireland it can be fast, I just haven't been living it and have placed myself outside of any speed that was too much for me. But in Holland I was placed smack bang in the middle of it, and had to deal with it. I was not used to it at all and that's why it felt like a smack in the mouth.

Ma and Diann didn't expect me to go to Holland, for being so worried about it last week, during the session on Tuesday. They thought I'd feel it would be more hassle than it's worth. To be honest, it never came into my head to not go. I stuck to it and got there and back in one piece. It was an eventful weekend, to put it lightly. Looking back, yes it was way too much. Seeing so many people all in such a short amount of time after not seeing them for so long.. It made me so paranoid about the weight I'd put on. Because I could see everybody who looked at me.. I could see in their eyes exactly what they trying to see.. how much weight has she put on? isn't she looking better? what is she doing still in Ireland, she should be working..! It was all going through their minds and the look they'd give would make me feel so ashamed.

Diann said that I'll have to make peace with that, because in years to come, people still might give me that look if they haven't seen me in a while. Diann even gets it, after being recovered for years and years and years (I'm guessing 10). Ma said that Monday night at the airport, she was trying to see if I'd lost weight over the weekend. She couldn't tell, either could I. But it's true that I've not been eating as much as usual. But I don't know if that's because of the different food, for feeling sick or for not needing more food.

I still haven't weighed myself. I had a chance over the weekend. It was there, right in front of me. It would have been so easy for me to hop on, and find out what the "magic" number was. But my head wouldn't have known what to do with it. I was thinking and thinking.. If the number would have been in the late 40's, then that could be good, because then I've only got a few more kilo's to my set-weight. At the moment, I don't feel too fat, so I could deal with a couple more kilo's. Thinking like that, made me scared, because what if I stood on it and it was between 40 and 45, that would mean I'd still have sooooooo many more kilo's to put on, and I don't feel like I'll ever be okay with that. I was overthinking it, so I just left it alone and resisted temptation.

2 or 3 weeks ago, when we were talking about how I've been feel, physically, Diann suggested I get another heart-scan done and get everything else checked-out too. We haven't gotten round to it just yet, but after last weekend, I need some reassurance. Ma said they told us back in July I suffered heart shrinkage. But I don't think I did and I can't remember what went on back then. I think she's exaggerating it a little (sorry Ma), just to make me want to get it checked-out again. I remember it was slower, that's all. But that's besides the point. I'll be getting everything checked out, hopefully, even though I know there's nothing wrong, judging by the way I'm feeling now.. O, there I go again, telling myself I'm okay again... Right I'm not going to go on about it or analyze it too much..

I said to Diann yesterday, that this weekend made me see how "bad" I'm doing, or how "unhealthy" I am. But she disagreed. She said I'm not doing bad, it's just shows the toll anorexia has taken on me. Living the way I lived and developing anorexia at the same time, was huge. It also shows that full health doesn't return after resting for 2 weeks (which a lot of people might think). It took so long for everything to come to a head, back in June, that it will also take so long for my body to feel vital and energized again. I never expected me to still be this far from being back to normal. It shows me that I've damaged myself enough and that I never ever want to do it to myself again. I never want to leave Ireland or my comfort-zone until I'm fully able. There's nothing as bad as being out away from home when you're physically not well, but it's worse when along with that, you're also mentally not well. The combination of the two, is massive.

Diann told me yesterday that she remembers exactly how it felt, when her head wasn't able to deal with people. She said, inside she was screaming, but she continued to work as a psychiatric nurse and pushed herself constantly. She even did course after course as well. She was years and years recovering. Probably because she didn't let herself take a time-out and deal with everything properly.

I don't want to feel like I did last weekend for years and years. My life won't be worth living. So I have to stay here for as long as I need, so I NEVER have to feel like I did on Saturday. Ireland is chilled, and that's how I have to be as well. It's quiet and there's fresh air (not that I get a lot of that), things that I wouldn't have if I were to be in Holland. I've never felt like I did on Saturday, here in Arklow, because I'm at home and it's a different feeling. There are only minor things expected from me.. probably the only thing that's expected from me is that I'm at home. Everything else I do, I choose to do myself. However I'm feeling and acting or whatever I'm doing or being, it's all acceptable. There's no pressure, no stress, no explaining, no judging..nothing.

Diann said that I'm not still recovering without a reason. I'm still dealing with things from the past, that have lead me here. I'm still dealing with new foods and I'm still fighting with myself and challenging myself. I'm still restoring fats, muscle, tissue and energy. Not until all of these things have stopped, and I'll know when they'll have stopped, I'll be feeling that I can take on life again. I'm still learning and feeling new things each week. This means I'm still learning to feel and to recognize what my body needs more and more which, and this in turn, will tell me when it's time. I have to trust myself to know, because I will.

I'm not there, by a long shot. And really I couldn't care less. All I've been thinking about since I got back to Ireland, is how much I need to start focusing on myself again. I have to do everything in might to keep going about everything at my own pace. I have to go back to basics. Back to how I was getting through the good weeks I had, last month, or back in October. By living how I have done, the past 2 weeks, I'm only prolonging everything and making it worse for myself.

If last weekend was what I needed to get myself back on track again, then it's a good thing. I'm not going to worry about work anymore or about time or about where I should be. I know my current condition, and that's all I need to know for now. I'm going to be selfish or else I'll be doing myself more harm than good. I'm the most important person in my world. If I'm not, then what's the point? I'm living and regaining health for me, aren't I? I might sound like a real b****, but I have to be. Diann said I did well over the weekend and that I wouldn't have known what I know now, if I had backed out..