Too much thinking

This weekend I've been all over the place. I don't know why. It started yesterday afternoon. I was checking some photo's from last weekend, the party, and I saw myself and felt so bad. The bad feeling of Saturday night came rushing back and that was me..up in a heap for the rest of the night or probably the remainder of the weekend, if today was anything to go by.

I don't know why it brought me down so much. Since seeing the pictures, everything has been upsetting me. The smallest things that have no signifance whatsoever, have been bringing me down and I've been feeling so yuck along with it. I've been worrying about my weight again, I've been wrecking my head when it came to dinnertime, I've been trying to imagine how awful and fat I'm going to get and my room hasn't been tidy enough. It's all been making me so emotional and I'm just waiting for it all to pass. But what will I have once it passes.. there'll be nothing left again.

My body has been feeling lifeless aswell and yesterday I was having dizzy spells for doing nothing at all. Just sitting with my eyes closed, and a slight turning and spinning would start and my heart would race.. only occassionally though. So I knew that I had to take it as easy as possible, all day yesterday and today.

Last night I had the worst sleep ever. I wanted the day to end as quickly as it could so I went to bed at around half 9, watched a dvd and fell asleep. Woke up after having the worst nightmare ever. I was dreaming that I was having a nightmare..sounds a bit odd.. a nightmare in a dream.. it's like watching someone on telly who's watching telly..

Anyway, I was trapped in my bedroom. I couldn't get out and I was screaming at the top my voice, straining it, but nothing was coming out. I was panicing and going hysterical and banging on the walls. Finally I got out, and Sean and Ma were on the otherside of the door to catch me and calm me down. That's when I woke up and I was sitting up in bed. I think I sat there for ages, half asleep, half awake as my dream continued. It was the strangest thing ever. At one stage I thought it all might have been real and that I might have seen Ma and Sean in person, outside my bedroom door.. I wasn't sure. But this morning Ma said nothing, so I'm gathering that it was all in my dream.

This morning I didn't want to speak or listen to people. I wasn't able and every noise was too much. Every little bit of commotion was making me go insane. I couldn't deal with anything. I needed silence so badly. Tranquility and Isolation. Those are the things I needed. But it was hard to get them. I couldn't. Or only for a very short while.

I've been drained and feeling **** all day. I've been reading, and in bed and out bed and back in bed and out of bed again. Torturing myself all day long. But trying to keep my mind active with anything other than bad thoughts. It's been so tiring and draining. I've been sick of the tv, so reading was the answer. But it's not a great book, so I'm reading but thinking about everything else at the same time. Thinking about what I used to eat years ago. Thinking about what I'm gonna be eating for the rest of my life. Thinking about traveling. Thinking about all the things that upset me. Thinking about Diann. Thinking but knowing too much of this thinking is bad for me. A self-indulgence of the worst form.

All week, since coming back from Holland, I've been trying to do so well. But something has made it all go belly-up. I've been crying for the littlest things..for the noise..for the wardrobe that Eileen didn't shut properly..for the pain in my legs..for not wanting to read and for doing it anyway.. So many things driving me insane. And still being able to be normal around people but hating every minute of it.

My head is fussy and feels full. Will I ever be able to properly empty it and feel light again? I want to feel normal again and I want to relax, but I simply can't, even if relaxing is the impression I give off..I'm doing everything but relaxing..