Tuesday afternoon 30-12

It's Tuesday evening. I've come round again from my afternoon. An afternoon of strange strange happenings. I went to acupuncture this morning. I was doing okay, when I got up this morning. I had the best sleep in the world and had a brilliant dream that I was rock-climbing in the west of Ireland with a mate from Oz. It was so cool. I woke up and wanted to go back to sleep again, just to continue dreaming. It was amazing.

Anyhow. I didn't really want to engage with anybody this morning. I was reading my book and eating. Nothing spectacular. I had my appointment at 12.30. I sat in the reception area as Breda was running late so I had to wait to half an hour. I remember from a few weeks ago, when Ralph had forgotten to put the needles in my legs and stomach and that I was lying on the treatment-table and felt so relaxed. I felt as if I was having the treatment, but I wasn't because he'd forgotten about me. But anyhow, what I'm getting at, is that the atmosphere in his practice gives off these certain vibes that made me feel like I was being "healed" just by lying on his table. I said this to Ralph back then and he said it's the healing-energy that they work on in the practice. So today, as I sat in the reception area, waiting for Breda (Ralph has still got a broken arm) and it was as though I was already getting my treatment. I was so relaxed and felt all woozy. The same feelings I would get when the treatment is being done which is kind of freaky.

When she was finally ready to see me, we had a short chat. I think she sensed that I wasn't up for a lot of "opening-up" about how the past week has been and that I was pretty wiped-out. I briefly told her that it was more difficult that I had anticipated. She understood me so well. But maybe a little too well, if that's possible. I had to stop myself from breaking down. She picked up on it, and brought me through to the treatment room. She put the needles in the normal places, left the room and instantly I was in tears.

I don't know what came over me. Maybe I was still trying to get over the past week. Maybe I was still processing everything that came up yesterday with Diann. Maybe I was just overtired and the needles and the "healing energy" that I already feeling while I sat waiting in the reception area were effecting me, maybe it was all the praise Breda was giving me for doing "so well" over the past week (even though it didn't feel like that), maybe it was her kind nature or maybe it was the combination of all these factors. I don't know but I was overwhelmed for some reason.

I couldn't afford to break down, with all these needles stuck in to me. I had to relax in order for the needles to have the best effect. I slowly started to give in to the feeling but I think I subconsciously already had and that's why I was so upset.

Once it was over, the needles were still doing their work. I was waiting for Ma to pick me up. I was standing outside and I don't know what was happening to me. I was cold but didn't want to go back inside and wait in the reception area. I don't know what was stopping me. So I stood there and stood there. I felt so fragile and so angry at the world and at myself. I wanted to start walking down to meet Ma then, because I knew she was on her way up. But walking after acupuncture isn't a good idea. So that frustrated me. I then felt like my face was the sight of thunder. It was as if I could see the sparks flying off it. It was so awful and I don't know why it was happening. Ma picked me up, 15 minutes later and she could see there was something wrong. Don't ask me why, but I couldn't deny it either. So, again, there they were my dreaded tears and I simply do not know why.

Maybe I shouldn't try to find an answer. But it just blew my mind that everything felt so raw for some reason. Acupuncture has never had that effect on me before. I could have let that awful feeling effect my eating but I was thinking and thinking about a toasted salmon sandwich, during the treatment so I had to eat even though all I wanted was my bed. So I just got on with it and I enjoyed the sandwich. Then I went to bed for the afternoon. I didn't really sleep, just floated in and out of a daze for a few hours trying to focus on the here and now. My mind kept on floating back to 6 months ago.. I don't know why but it was doing my head in. Then I started to miss all my mates so so much. Then there were certain periods in my life that I wanted to go back to, so much so, that it felt like heart ache again. I hate that feeling so much but it comes up and I can't help it. I needed to get out of my own head so I started reading for a while.

I then started to want and need protein of some sort. I've never had a craving for it, so badly. I needed either chicken or turkey or meat. But meat I wouldn't be a big fan of. So I wanted an omelet with turkey. Eggs would give extra protein too. I couldn't believe I could actually hear myself telling me that I needed one of those foods. I can't remember ever having a craving so vivid. So that's what I had and I enjoyed it again. The food is tasting good again.. hallelujah!

Ma had bought me a present this afternoon. A gorgeous bottle of perfume (after only just spoiling me for Christmas.. she's too good) which I never expected in a million years, but appreciate so so much. It's absolutely delicious and Ma has made my day..yet again. xxx