Christmas Week no. 4

The passed week, I've learned so much. Sometimes too much for me to feel okay with. The guilt of seeing things so clearly can blow me away at times. It showed me how hard it is to be able to handle stressful situations without having Anna to hold on to. The thing that could have helped would have been to have a "party-food-plan" on Christmas Eve and eaten more food on Friday. But that's on hindsight, as usual.

There was one other thing Diann said that could help for future reference: To create a bubble, if I'm dealing with stress. To find something that will protect me from comments, protect me from other peoples opinions, protect me from other peoples behaviour, protect me from people and situations that cause me pressure. That's what Diann suggested. It could be by visualising something, maybe a bubble or even a gaurdian angle. Something that can protect me from anything that might make me feel tortured, exposed and paranoid. Because when feeling so fragile and strung-out at the same time, trying to think rational thoughts doesn't work. I've tried this when I was in Holland a month ago and I've tried this over the past week as well. The overwhelming level of pressure can simply go too deep and the thoughts are at a point where anger, confusion, doubt and frustration is of a different level.

If I could visualize a place somewhere in my mind, where all is well, where I am safe, where nothing can harm me and where nobody can say things that will effect me in any way, then I can escape to that place. Diann says it's simple. It's nothing complicated but reassuring at the same time. A pink bubble sounds nice. A place of my own.. It's creating my own boundaries that I choose. And because I've chosen these boundaries, it means I'm still in control and I can feel fine with these boundaries, without it reflecting on my bad eating habits.

Diann said today that, at the end of the day, it's all about control. Everything that I've been seeing in others and that has been effecting my mood in some way, is because I can see their behaviour. I can see what they're doing or issues they're having. I can see that they are using the same things in life to grab on to, that I used to grab on to. Things that would give me a sense of control. I'm talking about Eileen and the way she's been talking about not eating properly and dieting. I'm talking about Ma and the way she cleans. I'm talking about Da and his recovering from alcoholism. The weight, cleaning and alcohol. The issues that effect the control I have over myself. The things that can be a way of dealing with stress. The things that, when I was a child, I saw Ma and Da dealing with their lives by resorting to either cleaning or drinking.

Seeing their stress, even picking up on it nowadays, goes back to the underlying issue of my disorder. Trying to heal them. Wanting for them to be happy and thinking that I can make them happy but not being able to, so then I'd feel ashamed and guilty for failing, so instead I'd make up for that "failing" by trying to make them proud of me and by proving how good I am by achieving.. Proving and achieving, by control and losing weight.. That's where it all starts but it's not where it's going to end. I have to end this regardless of what others are going through. I have to see this through whether it makes them proud of me or not and I have to let go of the need to heal them. Because I can't.

Anyhow, the conclusion of this week..It sounds so easy and straight forward. But it's far from it. This was by far the hardest week. I say this now, I've said it before and I'll more than likely say it again as I continue to think that I've "cracked the code" as I feel like I've been searching for the answer to this process for months now and every so often I think I've found what it is that will cure me and make me well again. But it's after weeks like this one, that I realize just how hard this is and I can never ever imagine me ever living a life without Anna controlling me or wrecking my head in some way or another. How frustrating this all is. But I've learned more things again. But I can't say or write too much about how much I've learned because that will only make me feel awful again, and I'm sick of feeling that way..for now anyhow..
Signing off and going to bed xxx