Wednesday afternoon

It's Wednesday afternoon. I'm feeling better than I did yesterday. It wasn't a good day. I was overcome by something in the afternoon and felt absolutely awful.

At around 3 in the afternoon I started feeling really sick and had such an aching stomach. I wanted to be sick, but I couldn't. I felt like there was something huge stuck in my stomach, but I wasn't able to get it out. Moving made me feel queasy, so I had to lie as still as possible. I couldn't read or watch telly. It was all too much. So for hours I lay in bed, waiting for it to pass. I hadn't eaten anything different so I don't where it came from. I wasn't able to have a proper dinner because I felt so full..even though I'd gone for hours without eating properly. I had 2 slices of toast which I had to force down. Feeling so vile, makes it feel so wrong to eat, because at any moment it could come up again. And it feels like it's never going to go away as well. Like that feeling is stuck there for good but you can only wish for it to go away. I had so much other things going around me in my head and an aching in my gut that I didn't know what was happening.

Rest was I needed so I took it. Before going to sleep, I thought it had passed. The feeling had eased off. But then it started in the middle of the night again. I hardly slept a wink. So frustrating! I've been up since 6 this morning. That makes the day so long, when you're not working. I'm not feeling too queasy anymore now. and I've been eating and haven't been back to bed either.

I could have used a stomach bug as an excuse not to eat. But I didn't. I'm passed that stage now. I was even ragging that I wasn't able to have a nice dinner. I wanted some shrimps with noodles and veggies. I was thinking about it yesterday morning and looking forward to it. But then, once I started to feel sick, the thoughts just made me feel worse.

Today I'm feeling the after effects, of not doing much yesterday. I've been too busy all morning. So annoying. I was trying to tell myself not to over-do it. So I've had to force myself to stop and that's what I've done...stopped. But at the moment I'm feeling a little uneasy, on-edge, uncomfortable. I can't seem to rest and my head is fuzzy.

I never can seem to let myself get over things, at a slow pace. Yesterday, I said to myself, that all I'm going to do is rest, as much as possible, the next week. If I have to pay a high price of feeling as bad as I did yesterday, because of over-doing it, then I'm not going to do anything. Those were my thoughts yesterday. But then today.. I'm feeling better, so I'm back to my old pushing, pressurizing and stressing. I'll never learn, no matter how hard I try..

I've been thinking so much about what I want to do with my life, where I want to go. I've been weighing up my options. I'm sometimes scared to think about it too much, because knowing that I can't decide for definite yet and knowing that I can't make it happen just yet either, might drive me insane. I might create problems where there aren't any. But sooner or later I'm going to have to start thinking about it. The thoughts are there, but not yet to be said outloud. A girl can dream and hope and it doesn't have to mean they will or won't come true. But it's the reassurance that's more important, at the moment and it comes from knowing that there's still possibilities and life inside.