Flake-Nuts-Milk

On Monday, as I was chatting to Diann, I was talking about eating and food.. What a surprise! The same old news, over and over again. I'm eating intuitively. How have I been coping with it and how has it been going?

Well, for weeks now, I haven't tried anything new or different. Even though every morning when I wake up I tell myself that I want to challenge myself and that I need to push this a little bit more. The sooner and harder I push, the sooner I'll be able to come off the supplements. Which is something I want so badly right now.

I still drink 2 a day. I've intentionally knocked one off. Doing that, forces me to eat more food and it means I have no choice in the matter and there's no battle or no contemplation: will or I won't I eat.. NO! Instead it's: I HAVE to, so what will it be? I need to eat something extra, because I feel that I can't go about daily things or think straight if my calorie intake is less.

I make it sound so easy, but it's so hard. Even though I've been tempted, I haven't been counting my calorie-intake. I haven't been thinking about the amount I lived on when I was eating according to the food-plan and I haven't been counting how much I live on now. However I do know the amount that's in each individual food. I've always known the amounts and it's something I can't switch off or forget. But it is something that I can learn to not take notice of. I've been trying what and when my needs the food.

Christmas is coming up, so I started telling myself last week, I have to have some chocolate again. I haven't had any since that one piece of snack bar, probably about 2 months ago. If I don't have any before Christmas, I'll be drooling over it or it might freak me out, because the whole Christmas week, I'll be surrounded by it.

Last Friday, I bought a dark Flake. The one I've been thinking about since July. I seen it on the shelf, back then and I wanted it so badly. But things were way too hard back then to even consider challenging myself to indulge. So I bit the bullet last week. But, 5 days later, it's still in the press. It's still there, waiting for me. I was talking to Diann about it. She asked me, if I'm in restraint, with the Flake in the press and not having some. Well, of course I was. I knew it, but I just couldn't eat it for some reason. Sunday afternoon, I wanted to go for it. After lunch, when I wasn't hungry, so I wouldn't stuff my face and feel bad afterwards. I wasn't going to eat it at night either, because then I'd go to bed, thinking about it and feeling bad. Sunday afternoon there was something stopping me and I just couldn't do it. Even though I wanted to challenge myself. The whole battle.. The wanting but not wanting to..

So, this week, I have to have the Flake. It has to be done. Because I want it. I've been thinking about it and I know I'll enjoy it. It's not about having to eat it, because it's fattening. It's about eating it, because I've been craving it for months now.

This brought me to the subject of: Is it bad that I haven't binged, since the start of my recovery? And: Is it normal for people in recovery to have days that they cannot stop eating? Diann said it isn't bad at all that I haven't been binging, because that would be another problem that I'd have to deal with and an extra problem that I really don't need. It's about self-control. Not to NOT eat, but to NOT overeat. The overeating can happen, or could have happened, if I had let it. At one stage, after nearly every meal, I wanted more and more and never felt satisfied. Without self-control, I could have easily started binging. But I think each meal is satisfying me a little more every time so the need for more isn't as overbearing as it used to be.. it used to be so overbearing that at one stage I was hardly able to be in the kitchen after a meal, for fear of eating too much.. I think that's starting to settle. I don't have that feeling as often anymore. If I've come through the hardest stages of recovery without overeating and binging, then it will only get easier. Or so I've lead myself to believe.

Put some nuts in front of me.. I wouldn't go crazy for them anymore. Months ago, nuts would be the thing I would eat myself sick on. I love them so so much, but because of that, I wouldn't let myself indulge.. and on the rare occasion that I would have just a taste, all self-control would have gone out the window and I wouldn't stop. It would always be so bad. These days, I have nuts every morning. So the craving is constantly been cured and now I wouldn't want or feel the need to stuff my face and make myself explode from the nuts driving me nuts..

Then there's milk..When I was growing up all I did was drink milk. Sometimes a litre a day. But that changed a few years ago when I would only have some on my cereal and then it would be skimmed milk, which is alot like water, if you ask me.. But anyhow..the past months, whenever I've asked myself..what do I really want? The thing I would crave the most, would be either yoghurt or milk. At first I thought I was just thinking in my old ways.. being healthy and avoiding starchy or stodgy or fatty foods. But when I think about it, it's the craving that I used to have for milk, that is now catching up with me since I've started to let myself eat whatever it is I want.

Going through all the different foods and worrying if I'm doing it the right or the wrong way, might seem like I'm justifying everything I put in my mouth. But that's not it. It's the thinking behind it that I'm trying to figure out. Those are the answers I find to the questions that arise regarding cravings and nutritional needs. I might have had a lack of calcium for years, and that could well be the reason for all the yoghurt I've been wanting and nuts are just the most delicious nibble or munchie..ever.. In my opinion anyhow.

So, there you have it. There are only so many different food types a person can analyze and feel either good or bad about. Diary products are healthy and good, dark chocolate is yummy and nuts I enjoy everyday..