Another dream

I had a dream a week or 2 ago. I don't know exactly where I was but I was walking along the street, on the pavement. There were people around... a little girl with her mother, 2 teenage girls both wearing the same jacket and a few others. As I was walking, suddenly out of nowhere, a car came along and ran me over. I flew into the air, did a few summer-salts and landed on the ground. I wasn't knocked-out or anything so I got up and kept on walking. But in the dream I couldn't forget about the crash. I relived it again but it felt so real and I didn't realize that it was my mind playing tricks on me until the whole scene turned out to be the exact same as the first crash: the little girl with her mother and the 2 teenage girls both wearing the same jacket and then the car, the crash and me flying up into air and doing summer-salts again and landing on the ground. It was the exact same crash except it was all a slower pace. I got up again and continued walking. But, again, I couldn't continue living (in my dream) because I was reliving the car crash again.. The exact same scenario happened, but this time it was even slower.

That's how the dream continued... the car crash kept on happening over and over again and everytime it happened, it got slower and more painful. Eventually when the pain got too excruciating, while I was doing the world's slower summer-salt ever, I had to break the cycle. I had to stop reliving it. So I tried to scream but there was no sound, not until I gathered all my strength and managed to get out a small roar, in real life, which also woke me up.

The next day and the next and the next, it played on my mind. I knew what it meant because that same night, before going to sleep and dreaming of the car crash, I had come to the conclusion that if I still have all my "ties" back in Holland, I'll never properly be able to move on. I had probably made the decision to break away from everything, before I had that dream. I could see where I was and I could feel the effect my "ties" in Holland have on me. They are forcing me to not move on and get my life back on track.

As I lay in bed, I was thinking about how it would be or how I would feel, if I were to do something, it could be the smallest thing like go to a yoga class. I knew that I wouldn't properly enjoy it and therefore not get the benefits from it, because I'd be feeling guilty for still having my job back in Holland waiting for me. I'd be feeling energized and active, which surely would mean I'd be able to work, but I'd still be here and I'd be dishonest and lying to them about how I'm doing. If I'm able to do sports, then shouldn't I be working? It probably isn't the case at the moment. I could do yoga, but my head still isn't right to be able to work and deal with stress. But that's besides the point I'm trying to make. Doing a yoga class, is just a small example of doing something that I would benefit from and would help me to feel better about life which would instantly make me feel bad.. mainly towards work for not being there and doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

The dream just confirmed, that I can't properly move on and feel positive about doing so, if I haven't broken away from everything I have back in Holland. I was talking to Diann about it last week and it's all pretty obvious. If I don't make a decision and break away from work then the last steps I need to take could turn out to be the hardest. Because it's holding me back. Diann said weeks ago that by having my ties in Holland, half of my energy is still there and I know she's right.

So I know what I have to do, to get what it is I want. I don't want to relive my pain from the past and I don't want to feel like I'm being dishonest towards work either. I need to be able to focus on new things in my life. If that means telling work that I won't be coming back, then so be it. It's a big step and sometimes it freaks me out because I might start to feel trapped if I don't have a "back-up life" waiting for me that I can escape to if I want or maybe even runaway to when the going gets tough (not that I would ever actually do that.. but it was just like a safety net). Not having any ties, will only give me more of a boost to get out there again and travel and do what I want. That should only be a good thing, right? Yes, I think so.

Maybe I was reading too much into this dream. But a car in a dream supposedly says something about your journey through life. And to have a crash indicates that the journey has been disrupted or thrown off-course in some way or another. To relive the crash over and over and for it to get more painful each time, tells me that there's never any peace going to be made with the disruption (the past 6 months). It isn't being let go. It isn't being put to rest. So whether it's me just reading too much into this dream or if it really was the confirmation I needed to make a choice, doesn't really matter. Because I choose to see it as the latter; the confirmation I needed.. The idea is still settling and I'm still trying to get used to it, before I take any actual action. I'm not too sure when though..but that's something that will also come to me so I'm not going to stress.