Calm versus Chaos 1

Yesterday morning I woke up and wanted to get on the next flight out of Ireland. I felt fine, I felt like I was "fixed" and was so ready and so willing to leave and to have my own space and to not need to talk to Diann and to not think about food and my thoughts. I'd had a really good sleep, for the first time that week. So I was energized again which probably made me feel the way I did.

On Sunday, after I had forced myself to stop driving myself insane with all the thoughts in my head, I went downtown and for some reason or another all I wanted to do was look for outdoor clothing, for rucksacks and lonely planet guides. Every shop I went into, that's what I was drawn to. I felt as if I was shopping and preparing myself for an adventure I was going on. I didn't know why it was happening, but it was strange, because I'm not going anywhere, not just yet anyhow. Unfortunately.

That must have been the reason why I woke up yesterday morning and didn't want to go to Diann. I wanted to leave. The thoughts of going to Wexford just made me feel drained, instantly and I don't know why. So I sat there yesterday morning and told Diann that I felt ready to leave. But of course I'm not and that's just a thought that came up, as it does on regular basis. I somehow always manage so quickly to rationalize it and see that really it isn't time to leave. That leaves me angry then, because I want to get out of here.

Isn't that the same thing, over and over again? Isn't that the thing that's been getting me down the most? If I'm eating and putting on weight and not stressing about that, then I'll find something to start stressing about. Which always seems to be the same thing which is not wanting to be here, which is somewhere I don't feel fine.

I was telling Diann about my week, and how well and focused I was for the first few days and then something happened, but I didn't know what exactly it was that made me feel awful again about eating, about being me, about not doing anything, about sitting down, about the fat I'm creating around my stomach. Everything started to feel bad again. I was so fucused though, at the start of the week and I know that's because I was meditating everyday (most people think I'm crazy and stupid for doing this, but I can't really care about what others think..) I was feeling good about it all. Diann said that when you start to get focused by being silent, calm and at ease but energized at the same time (which is what you can feel if you meditate), your mind starts to work overtime because it isn't used to being made to be quiet. The mind is used to thinking all the time, non-stop. It has a mind of it's own and does as it pleases, thinks as it pleases and convinces you as it pleases. But if you're able to start controlling the thoughts, even if it's only for 15 or 20 minutes a day, your mind will miss out on those thoughts, loose control for a short while and therefore start craving thoughts. Thats probably the main reason why I was overcome with these bad thoughts. It's like when your body is used to getting a certain something but suddenly it's being deprived of this certain something, you'll only want it even more... like giving up an addiction. When you can't have something your body wants it will crave this missing thing, like cigarettes or alcohol or chocolate.

So overthinking, after I've started to find a peace of mind and a calm state of being, is only the ego trying to survive. The ego being the way we project ourselves to the world. The ego being our selfesteem. The ego being how we identify ourselves. The ego being expressed through what we do to keep us busy and alive. The ego being the part of the mind that's connected with the external world and experiences life as we know it: the reality. So it's surviving by doing what it usually does best..being active, working, percieving, thinking, interacting. It needs certain things to be kept occupied.

Anyhow, on Saturday and Sunday I was driving myself insane and couldn't find anything to keep myself busy myself, only the inside of my head and my awful thoughts. After Diann explaining it, I could see why, but when it was happening I didn't know where all these bad thoughts were coming from. Thinking I was alien or an outsider, thinking I was being monitored all the time, thinking I was trapped, thinking, thinking, thinking..I didn't know why I was thinking them and I didn't want to be thinking them, but I simply couldn't stop. Diann said, when I was telling her about the sore throat and how I struggled with food over the weekend, that not only was I "craving thoughts" and was the "ego trying to survive" but I was probably fighting off a virus as well, which would have taken up more calories than I would have been eating and therefore led to negative thoughts. She herself, had the same thing during the week. She had a temperature and found herself fighting with negative thoughts that were coming up, as a result.

Diann said that the thoughts will settle, if I continue to feel calm and focused. I won't be blocking anything and my "juices" will flow as they are meant to. And when I feel myself getting muddled again, I can easily tell myself what the reason is because I now know the reason so I'll just let them be. I can let them take their course. I can ignore them and feel at ease because I have the answer as the why it's happening. There are also some sutra's to do, that will calm my mind again, keep me focused and keep me feeling fine about doing the things I want and like to do in life without being being scared to be controlled by Anna or being scared to do things for the wrong reason. Because I'll be doing whatever it is I want to do, without guilt and I've realized that guilt only tries to stop me from taking the last few steps. It stops me from seeing what's important. It convinces me I'm doing wrong by feeling and doing good. Using sutra's (a kind of mantra that calms the mind)will only show me that I'm strong enough to keep up the good that I'm doing which will, in turn, reassure me that I'm being as I'm supposed to be. So that's what I'll try to do. At this point I'll do anything to stop going insane..