The change in me - 1

I'm just going over the subject I started talking about yesterday.. "The change in me". It might be slightly repetitive.

This morning I was awake at half 5. Tossing and turning. I got up at 6, came downstairs and was reading for a couple of hours. It's been a while since I've been awake so early and not been able to sleep. What I had been writing about yesterday afternoon, was playing on my mind...the fact that I'm changing so much. When I went to bed last night, I couldn't shake the feeling of not wanting for this to have happened..the change I mean, not the eating disorder because I'm fine with that having happened. It's not a problem. I'm not talking about a physical change. It's got nothing to do with that kind of change. It's so much more. It didn't make me angry, but just sad really. It was like I suddenly have to say goodbye to the old me.

This morning it was on my mind but it wasn't weighing me down. I was just trying to put it into perspective. Because, when I think about, what is really the big difference? And what really is the big deal? And I suddenly started remembering months ago, talking to Diann about this whole change and how excited I was about what was going to come of me and how scared at the same time. She told me over and over again that worrying wouldn't help in solving the issues. So for months I let that go and I didn't think about how I was going to come out of this stage of my life. Nobody was to know how and when I'd come out of this or how I'd look at life or what I'd have learned. I let it happen and did what felt right, 95% of the time. And it's only now that I'm starting to regain energy and strength, both physically and mentally, that I'm having to face the world and see how differently I stand in it.. If that makes sense..

The thing about it all, is that I'm now slightly freaked, or yesterday I was, by the thoughts of losing my drive, determination, bubbliness and spontaneity. Sometimes I would think that it's gone and other times I know it's not. Over the years, the thing that I think always gave me these things, as well as energy and adrenaline, was either being away from home traveling (wherever home may be) or the thoughts that I was going to be leaving. It always kept me going. And, right at this moment, I know that I'm going to be leaving again, so it's giving me that energy, drive and passion I've always had. Determination is something I need now more than ever, to get back on my feet properly again. So this shows that I haven't lost the things that I've always had. But on the other hand, it's difficult to say already, because I'm not fully recovered yet.

How do I know I'm not fully recovered yet? Because I'm still quiet. And there's enough I'm dealing with in my head that I still withdraw myself. That's because it's what I need at that moment. I still need regular quiet hours because I'm working so hard on getting through this. I could choose to get a part time job, which I might be able for, but it would distract my thoughts and maybe take me longer to work through everything, because I'd be taking on daily-stress as well as still feeling the stress that getting through this process, brings along. A person can only deal with a certain amount of stress. Mentally a person will then prioritize. Whatever it is that's occupying you at that moment, is what your head will be dealing with. Any other underlying issues will be put off. And that's not what I'm even going to contemplate on doing. Not if it's just to "test the water" and see how I'll function from day-to-day. Because my priority is getting through this and focusing only on me (no matter how selfish that might sound).