The change in me - 2

So, back to the "change" (I feel like I'm talking about the menopause). Last night and this morning I was thinking about me maybe not being able to have fun anymore. But it's all I want. At the moment it's all brewing under the surface. I know it's in there. So I can rely on myself that I'll be and experience fun again. As well, I'll have changed but for the better. But having fun in life, is something I've missed more than anyone could ever imagine. Relating this to what I was just saying about travel and me changing. I was worried during the week about being happy and traveling again. I never wanted to be someone who is only able to embrace life properly, by traveling. I always thought I'd be able to be in my element and feel full of life, without travel. But the past weeks have showed me that I'm simply not able. I could put on brave face and go about life and try to be like everyone else and have a steady job with a steady income and be sensible and responsible (like I tried when I came back from Oz). If I would choose to start building a life like that again, at this very moment, I'd be down in the dumps.

I was feeling so down and depressed weeks ago, because I didn't think it was possible to go traveling again, not anytime soon anyhow. But once I decided to break away from Holland, I knew I wouldn't settle for living a life that's expected of me. Because that's just not what I want and it doesn't give me a boost, it doesn't excite me, it doesn't give me happy glow inside. It's not for me. So realizing this, made also see that, without having experienced these passed months, I wouldn't be able to live the life that I need.. which is travel with no end. So putting the "change" into perspective..This morning I realized, even though I've said it before and Diann has said it too, the change in me was needed to be made so I can feel full and filled. (You can take that literally if you like.. but it's just a figure of speech.)

At the moment I still feel uncomfortable and awkward with most realizations and the clarity I'm seeing and with some feelings that come up. Just like all the other stages I suppose. I said it weeks ago and I'll say it again, until it doesn't feel awkward anymore. At the moment it's like I'm giving every ounce of me, to get through the last few steps. And of course it will get easier as well as still not feeling quite right. But, it's alright for now. I need to come to terms with what I've found, with what I've discovered and with how I'm feeling. That will take time, of course but things seem to be going faster and faster, so I might not need that long.. Considering yesterday the "change in me" freaked me out, but 24 hours later I'm happy with it.... And about time, some of you may say..

O yeah, and another thing that popped into my head this morning. It actually came natural to me. I didn't have to convince or coax myself, like I've had to do over the past months. But the voice in my head just told me, as a matter of fact, this morning that anorexia isn't really about weight at all. I saw this morning that I was never overweight and I never really aimed to loose kilos and kilos. It just happened. Diann has told me this a lot of times. And I've taken it on board each time. But hearing something and understanding it, or understanding, seeing and feeling it for yourself, is a whole different kettle of fish. Often when I'd be in a reflective mood or analyzing things, I'd need to tell myself that it isn't about the weight. For ages I was trying to figure out what it was all about and I've known for quite a while now but it really clicked this morning, like a switch.

I know nobody will totally understand that not wanting to eat or just having anorexia, isn't really trying to loose weight. It's so much more than that. Someone can hear it all and say they understand. That's what I've been doing for months. But to actually be aware of it and see it with my own eyes and feel it too within, is experiencing this recovery process from totally different level. Someone who hasn't been through it themselves, probably won't get the extent of such a revelation. They won't get that it's so different understanding it compared to actually feeling it and understanding it at the same time. It's hard to describe. I've known for months what it's all about, but it felt different this morning. I never needed to loose weight and I will never be overweight either. I'm not a shallow person and I really never was obsessed with staying skinny. It's what people will think and that's okay. As long as I know what it's about and continue to see it as clear as I do right now.