A dark cloud

Where to start.. The past 2 days have been manic, chaos in my mood and in my head. I went to acupuncture yesterday so that might have triggered something. I'm not quite sure what exactly, but something's been happening. The treatment itself went well. Ralph is back so that was a nice surprise and I'm actually quite glad too. He makes me feel calm for some reason. Breda always managed to make me feel on-edge and frantic. So anyhow, I hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks, so he could see a difference in me. I quote: "Your cheeks actually go up, when you smile and there's a sparkle in your eyes". Right fine. Whatever. I wasn't really feeling the sparkle, to be honest. But I'm sure he knows what he's talking about. I was filling him in on my eating and how "well" I've been doing and calm and relaxed I've been feeling since the beginning of the new year.

Maybe I spoke too soon because after the treatment, I started to feel down. And it got worse and worse as the day progressed. I couldn't deal with anything. I was so emotional and being around anyone was too much. I couldn't speak either. So I closed myself off upstairs, in bed, from 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I wasn't really that tired, but I was just so upset. Anytime I was "in my head and alone with my thoughts" I'd be in tears. Frantic floods of tears. I was such a mess and in such a state that I thought I'd never be right again. I felt like it was never going to pass. It's like when you have a bad doss of the flu for instance, and you can't imagine ever feeling okay again. Well yesterday I couldn't ever imagine me not crying and feeling of grief was never going to pass.

If I didn't keep myself busy with a book or dvd, I was in tears. I didn't have dinner. But it wasn't intentional. I just couldn't deal with people around me and was feeling so depressed that cooking a dinner was just something I wasn't going to get out of bed for. So I didn't. I wasn't restricting myself. I just wasn't bothered and I didn't feel guilty either. And anyhow, doesn't everyone miss an occasional meal?? yes, well, so do I.

My head was so fuzzy and full and I couldn't do anything. I hate that feeling so much. Before all this started, I never used to have this feeling in my head as I do now, on a regular basis. I can't really explain the feeling. Sometimes it's like a pressure or it's like there's something about to erupt and other times it's like my forehead is a magnet and it's being drawn to something from the outside..if that makes any sense.. It's still feeling like that now too. And when it's like this, all I want is to lay my head down. And I can try to read educational books or write something proper, but I'm just not able. Which sometimes can make my being here, feel as if there's no purpose to it at all.

Anyhow I stayed in bed and didn't get out of it until 9 this morning. It really isn't any wonder why I had the worst night sleep of my life..after being in it for so many hours. But I eventually managed to get some hours. Then I woke up and didn't really see the point in getting out of bed. I just wanted this day to go by and I didn't want to think about what's going on or, more to the point, what's NOT going on in my life. Had I stayed in bed, I would have only felt worse. So I had to face the "music"..whatever that was. But there was no "music" really.

Most of the day I've been searching the internet, again. Looking for something and hoping I'll come across something that will "tickle my fancy". I didn't want to stress about it too much, so I didn't and all I've managed to properly think about is my bed. That's all I want. And it's not because I'm tired. It's because my head is fuzzy and heavy and I don't really want to be around people. I can't deal with anybody right now. But I've had to resist the temptation of curling up in bed and wishing the day away. I simply can't, not if I want to sleep properly tonight.

This afternoon I went shopping with Ma. But I would have preferred to stay at home. I didn't want to see people living their lives. I didn't want to think about being in Arklow because it just makes things worse. But I had to get out of the house. At least that way, getting out of bed today or not going back to bed this afternoon, would have had a purpose. But as I walked around the supermarket I was so angry. Angry at something I've never been angry with before. Food. I resented it so much. Food is what's got me where I am today and I hated it for that. Which is so silly, I know. But I couldn't help it. If it weren't for food I wouldn't be in this place. But then again, if it weren't for food, then nobody would be anywhere I suppose. So I should be grateful for it.. But this afternoon I just wasn't.

At the moment I'm still not right. My head is still feeling as it did yesterday. I don't want to think about others and their lives. I can't because it gets me down too much. I'm doing all I can to stay away from the room upstairs. I can't shut myself off. Even though I'm starting to feel drained and tired, I can't go up there.. But I suppose I don't have to if I really don't want to. I keep waiting for everything to get easier, but if it's not one thing, it's another..