Vulnerable

If I look, it starts all over again. The feeling comes up and I can see the pain in my eyes. I cannot take it anymore. I don't even want to tell you how I'm feeling. I don't really want to be writing this, but I know I have to. I know I'll be sorry if I stop blogging and start writing somewhere else. I know I'll be shutting everyone out. Maybe that's what I want to do right. Maybe I don't feel comfortable with everyone reading this. I don't know why but maybe I should just stop. Maybe I'm sick of owning up to all these awful feelings I'm feeling? Maybe I've had it. Maybe I'm too honest.

But then, that brings me to something Diann said to me on Monday. To be open and honest and admit to how you're feeling, shows you're vulnerable. Showing emotion can be classed, by society, as showing weakness. Diann said it's quite the opposite. It shows that you are strong. It shows that you are honest and have nothing to hide and that you are taking responsibility for the emotion and feeling that a certain situation or a certain person is causing you to feel. It shows that you aren't trying to shove the emotion onto someone else or blame someone else for it. You are owning it and that shows strength. If I were to close myself off and tell the world I'm feeling fine and dandy and try to be someone I'm not, while the emotions are still there but I'm ignoring them and hoping they'll go away, then they'll manifest in a different and destructive way. Through either blame, guilt or resentment. So if I were to close myself off, I'd be weak. I'm not weak though, so I'm not going to sit here and tell you about how happy I am to be nearly better and about how glorious the world is just to "polish my diamond" in the process. No way.

So if I'm being open and showing I'm feeling emotional and down and sad and missing so much, then why aren't I feeling strong. It isn't making me feel any better by admitting to this. But I suppose if I were to say that I was great and be hoping to protect myself, then I'd be feeling just as bad or probably even worse, inside. However sometimes it's easier to just say that all is fine. I know when it's not though. Because if someone asks me if I'm fine and I say yes, but 10 seconds later I'm closed off and crying my eyes out because I've said that I was okay but felt bad about lying, then I know I'm not okay. I suppose as long as I know how I'm doing, then isn't that okay? It doesn't really matter what others know or think. When they're my issues then it shouldn't effect anybody and it shouldn't be their concern and I shouldn't feel awful for saying that I was okay when really I wasn't.

Anyhow, I'm admitting that it makes me feel like a heap of ****, being where I am right now. It feels worse than it's ever felt before. It hurts and it makes my head feel fuzzy. It's all clogged-up. I can't sleep and I can't stop thinking about the world. I lay awake until 4 am this morning after spending the whole day in bed watching dvds and reading, just trying to get away from every person and every thought. I wanted to get up at 2, then at 3 then at half 3. I lay awake thinking about life on the otherside of the world. Where everyone was traveling, working, in the sun, seeing the world and partying. Everyone was having a ball, but here in my world, in Arklow, in my bed, all was dark. There wasn't any light. But, even though it might sound like it, my thoughts weren't messed-up. They were just there. They weren't driving me insane, they were just saddening me.

And then to plan on getting up, for being so restless, but to suddenly wake-up and it to be the morning, when on the other side of the world everything is starting to quieten down again. It's getting dark over there. The day of working, traveling, chilling or just being outdoors, is coming to a halt. But it doesn't matter because the night is clear over there. The stars are uncountable and the air is warm. The night brings so much beautiful sights with it, that it just makes the world an even more fascinating place to be. And once the sun comes up over there, at around 5am, the world is still beautiful. Instead of a dark sky will millions of stars, there's a blue sky with the occasional drifting cloud and the sun that can depended on to warm everything and everybody.

In the middle of the night, I wanted to get up, just to be living life at the same time as the other side of the world. But then that would mean, that today I don't really want to make the most out of this day because it's dark over there and their world is sleeping, so therefore so should I. But it's not right. It's not the healthy way of thinking. It's just silly.

I'm at a loss right now and I have no clue of what to do or where to go. By owning up to feeling like this am I'm fueling it? But if that's how I feel and if that's how I've been thinking, then why should I feel ashamed for thinking like this? Why should I question if it's right or wrong? By doing that, I'll only drive myself crazy. That will only make matters worse. Surely just being honest won't? It should only help me to find out why on earth I'm feeling like I'm feeling right now.