Diann on Monday 1

I went to Diann today and after the past week, I can honestly say that everything is very good. This has probably been the best week I've had in a long time. Why? Because I've started to branch out, and I'm starting to feel alive again. The daily walks I've started taking, are helping so much and just knowing that I'll soon be free from everything in Holland is also helping. It's almost like I'm cleaning up my mind. I'm spring-cleaning and it's giving me a real boost.

I've been asking myself during the week, on several occasions, if I'm not taking on too much right now. But Diann said today that if I were to be making too many decisions, at this stage in the game, then I'd have noticed it during the week. I'd be a wreck, I'd be teary, I'd feel pressurized and I'd be exhausted. But I'm not. The only times I've cried during the week was because I was so happy. After meditating, one day, I was overwhelmed with something. I'm not too sure what it was, but something made me cry. And the other time, was when Mr. Acupuncturist told me my heart was opening up again. They were happy tears. So that's fine. It means I'm not pushing myself too much right now, but just enough to give me a physical energy boost. Something that I need so I can start putting myself out in the world again.

One thing that got me down, or tried to muck me about was the feeling of people around me, expecting me to be a certain way and express a certain amount of joy. The same old story. I can't afford to dwell on it though. I have to let that go. The past week I managed to shut out the vibes everyone was giving me as to what they expected of me. That shutting out, kept the pressure off that rises in my chest whenever I get the feeling that I'm being expected to be a certain way (even though nobody expects anything of me..that's the most frustrating thing). Usually whenever I've felt like that in the past, it would make me go the other way.. the way of being down, depressed and moody. But during the week I wasn't going to let it get me down. I can't. I have to recognize these expectations as just my thoughts. Ma said today that I didn't even know if her happiness and excitement was because of me feeling so good lately. And I know she's right. But it's just me trying to think for her. It's what my head tells me at that moment and therefore I let it take over and the more I dwell on what people expect of me, the more I feel like wallowing in self-pity just to prove I'm not totally back to normal yet.

That's been the main thing this week that has been making me see red. Ma being excited and happy for me that I'm getting better. But I tried during the week to not let my own thoughts bring me down. These thoughts come up within seconds, but I can now turn them around just as quickly. I've learned how to block it out, so I can use that. I can pick myself up and I can turn my days around and I can focus on keeping everything moving along smoothly. Engaging in feeling responsible for what other people feel, be it happy or sad, is simply not good at this stage in the game. That doesn't mean that I don't want Ma to be happy and for her to support me with each decision I make. Because I want for nothing more. As long as I'm not expected to express all the excitement that I'm feeling on the inside.

It's what Diann has said to me so often. Giving in to any of these negative thoughts will only feed then and they are also proof that everything I do, will never be right. Letting go of expectations, caused by feeling judged, will make me stronger and feel happier. And can that make me feel bad? the fact that I'm mentally able to ignore these irritating thoughts in my head? Of course it does. But that's also something that I have to recognize and let go. Because at the end of the day it's all about me feeling I won't ever deserve to feel happy. So whatever I do, it won't be right. If I were to give in to these thoughts, that would make me feel down, and would that make me happy? Of course not, nobody likes to have bad thoughts or close themselves off from the love that other people are trying to give them.

It's the same story as always..trying to realize that these are all just thoughts, nothing more, nothing less. During the week, as I've been feeling so fine, they have come up occasionally. I haven't given in to them. And if I have, it's only been for short periods of time and I've soon figured out what to do, to pick myself up again. Just like thoughts, that make us feel a certain way..they all come and go. Every person in the world experiences so many emotions and feelings in the space of 24 hours. It's normal, and it's a part of life. So why should I try to figure out the reason for them? Just being aware of what they are, in order to deal with them and not to let them ruin us, isn't that enough? Yes, I reckon so. As I've said so many times before, it's putting it all into practice that can be tricky, but nothing is impossible when you put your mind to it.