Current food story

On Monday Diann asked me how I was doing, food-wise. There were so many other things we were chatting about that the topic of food sometimes is forgotten. So, we just briefly touched on the subject. I said it was all going okay. And it is, most of the time. Sometimes it's hard to say whether it's going well or not. Because I don't really know what to compare it with. To weeks ago? To months ago? To stressful times? To the chilled-out times? What's the norm? What are the guidelines as to how well I'm eating, how much I'm enjoying it, how often I'm eating and how okay I am with the weight I'm putting on because of the food? I'm my own guideline I suppose..

Compared to months ago, it's good. Most days I'll eat 3 normal meals, with one of two snacks in between and a supplement drink an hour or 2 before I go to bed. On a rare occasion I'll eat 2 meals and snack all day. I wouldn't skip that 1 meal intentionally but it would be either because I simply didn't have time to have a third meal or because I'd be out of bed too late (that probably only happens on a Sunday) or I'd be snacking all day, and therefore I wouldn't feel hungry enough to have a third meal.

I've been told so many times that it's all about the feeling I have when I'm eating. Diann has said it, the doctor has said it and Mr. Acupuncturist has said it. 95% of the time I feel fine eating. I don't feel paranoid, I don't feel shame, I don't feel fat, I don't feel guilty. I look forward to meals. I think about what I could have for lunch, at breakfast time and what I could have for dinner, at lunchtime. And once I've finished my dinner, I already look forward to my breakfast again.

Somedays I eat so much or my the food feels like the perfect amount, that I don't even feel like I need the supplement drink. I feel satisfied without it. But I don't skip, I have it anyhow. I guess I'm still weary that if I don't have it, I'm only doing it so to lessen my calorie-intake for that particular day. But that isn't the case because I don't really count the calories anymore. Sometimes when I do, it's after I've eaten and purely out of curiosity as to how much food has been enough on that day.

There are always occasional fights inside my head though. Like last night, after dinner. I was thinking about a biscuit. But instead I had the supplement drink at around half 9. Before having it, I told myself that if I'm still wanting a biscuit afterwards, I'll have it. The drink might fill me up and then I won't need a biscuit. So after the drink, I was still thinking about a biscuit so I had a muesli bar. I thought that would settle my thoughts. But it didn't. I was still thinking and thinking and thinking and waiting patiently for the night to come to and end, so I wouldn't have to give in to temptation. I ignored the craving. So it was nearing 12 o clock and I wanted to go to bed, just to stop thinking about it. Then I was so tempted to go to bed with the packet of biscuits and binge.. even though I knew that by doing so, would bring on guilt in the morning and it might end up interfering with breakfast.

So I had to get rid of the thoughts about the biscuit and I gave in and sat and had a cup of tea and a biscuit. I had to, because I knew that once I had started analyzing it, I was restricting myself. And as Diann has said to me, the best thing to do when you know you're in restraint.. is to have that certain thing you want, and see it as part of the process. Rising to the challenge and having a biscuit at 12o clock at night. That's what I did, even though I knew that it was just going to stick in my gut all night and that I wouldn't burn it. I ate the biscuit and instantly all the thoughts of stuffing my face, up in my room before going to sleep, away from the world without anybody knowing.. They had all gone and I was able to go to bed knowing that I was doing so, in order to sleep and not to get away from the biscuits.

And you what.. If I would have had that biscuit after dinner last night, nothing would have happened. I wouldn't have had any of those thoughts. I wouldn't have felt guilty, I wouldn't have had urges to binge. It's so strange. And this morning when I woke up, I didn't think about the biscuit. It was gone. But I was still slightly struggling with weird thoughts about breakfast. I wanted everything again.. I wanted cereal, I wanted yogurt and fruit and muesli. But there's only so much I can eat. So I had the cereal and told myself that I can have the yogurt later on if I want. If I don't feel like it, then it doesn't matter. There will be other times I'll have the yogurt, right? Yes, of course there will. But I just love it so much and it seems like such a shame to have to miss out on such a delicious meal.. Yesterday I had cereal for breakfast and for lunch I had yogurt and I wasn't craving anything after that.. until the biscuit incident. So today I'll probably do the same.

I was making my breakfast this morning and asking myself what does it really matter?(yes, I still talk to myself just like everybody else.. all the time, sometimes as if I'm my best friend and other times as if I'm my own worst enemy).. What difference would it make if I were to have cereal, then yogurt and muesli and fruit and then a toasted sandwich and then dinner and then some more snacks? What does it really matter? You see, it isn't easy to answer that.. cause sometimes it doesn't matter. And those are the best times and the times when I'm feeling good and I enjoy food and I know that I still need the extra weight. But the times when it does matter, are the worst. Because I know it's just old **** coming up. Stuff I don't need and stuff that doesn't do me any good.

The difference between now and months ago, is that I can now see it, as it's happening and I also know what to do. I know that I should just eat whatever it is I want, when I start having all these thoughts and battles going on inside my head. That's the only way to resist giving in to that "bad relationship" I can so easily have with food.

So if that's all there is, when it comes to food, then it is all pretty good I reckon. I've been asking myself lately, if I'll ever be able to stuff myself and feel fine, or if I'll be able to eat bad foods without feeling guilty. And I can honestly say that I don't think I ever will. I've never been like that. I've never stuffed my face on a regular basis. But then again that wouldn't be healthy either, would it?? No. So I think I'm fine as long as I'm eating the food I enjoy the most.. and enough of it..