Diann on Monday 2

The more sessions I have with Diann, the stronger I feel. And each week I notice the difference. If the subject of food is on the cards or not, also shows how good or bad I'm feeling. This subject was only briefly touched today..she just asked me: "are you okay around food?" That's all she asked. I told her about the incident of the biscuit. But that wasn't anything major. That's all that came up this week, on the subject of food. It's all I had to say on the subject and that in itself, is saying something. Also if my head isn't exploding then I know that I'm finding my own way. I know not to hold back, when I'm talking to her. Something I've never done but I also know never to hold back when I'm blogging either. That way I can deal with things as they come up because I know what the issue means and I know the way to go about getting through it. Diann can notice the difference too. I'm sure of it. She hasn't said it, because she knows better than anyone else, how compliments what compliments can do and that they can sometimes not be properly heard..

And that's another thing.. I'm feeling better and better with compliments too. They don't send my head into turmoil, the way they used to. They don't make me feel worthless and they don't make me feel bad. Something everyone was so weary of doing. But now it doesn't bother me, 80% of the time anyhow. Because now I want and need to look healthy. And if I'm healthy on the inside, then that's what I'll show on the outside. And I need my health and I need my weight too, to be and do as I want to.

That brings me onto another thing. I noticed this yesterday when I was in the shopping center with Ma. We met an aunt of Ma's, who hadn't been well. An old lady, so sweet. And Ma said to her that she was looking so well, now that she was back on her feet and they chatted briefly about how she was regaining her strength. And this little lady responded so well, to the compliments and was able to talk about how she was getting back to normal again and feeling better. For an instant I thought.. "O god, don't tell her that she's looking well!! The poor woman doesn't want to hear that! It will only make her feel worse and set her back in her recovery process..!!" But then of course I realized that she was recovering from something else than I am. It seemed so strange.. But really that's a normal thing to do.

Paying people compliments. People who haven't been well and who are struggling with getting back into normal life after being ill for a longer period of time, only love to hear compliments as to how well they are looking. They also wouldn't mind talking about how much better they are feeling. But that's with illnesses that are physical, not mental. And that's where the difference lies. An eating disorder is probably only one of the few conditions that requires such caution around telling people how healthy they are looking and how much progress they're making.

So I'm now pretty sure that a compliment wouldn't do to me, what it once did. And that's just because I'm learning to feel deserving of life and I'm learning to see that I need to love myself unconditionally. So therefore a compliment can now feel real and I can feel deserving of a nice remark and for somebody to tell me how I'm doing well or looking better. I know this, because the only person who pays me compliments is Mr. Acupuncturist. He either pushes the boundaries or tests the water each week. Not intentionally because he doesn't know what it would do to me to hear him saying how well I'm looking and how much good I'm doing. He must have thought that compliments would make me feel better. But they made me feel worse. I never said it though. I just took it on and let it bring me down. But now, when he says those good words, I'm fine with it. It's okay and I can appreciate them. And when he doesn't say anything, I'd be wanting to do myself more good, just for him to tell me that I'm improving again.

So accepting good things that people say to me, is a sure sign that I'm on the up but still always trying to resist the urge of running away with myself. O yeah, and another thing. The past weeks, I've looked in the mirror and can say that I was shocked sometimes. Shocked by suddenly being able to see what's real. My real size. My real figure. Seeing what other people see. Something I've wanted for so long, but was never able to. Something I thought I'd never be able to feel fine with. But, only a few times, I've looked and thought..god I could do with some more weight. I really am not at all anywhere near being chubby. And that's with my current weight..which can freak me out because I've put on weight over the months and can't imagine what I used to look like and what others were forced to look at. I would look at myself back then, but I wouldn't see what others would see. Seeing how things really are, is only occasionally though, but it's a start. And let's face it, nobody can always manage to see what other people see when they look in the mirror, not all the time anyhow. So more revelations that have come my way.

I still haven't weighed my self in months..the 23rd of september was the last time. I don't really feel the need to. And if I did, it would only be out of curiousity. I can't deny that I would like to know, but not for needing to loose it again. Not at all. I would be safe knowing how my weight. Because I can't remember the last time I lay awake at night worrying about how big I'm going to get. It's been months. There are simply more important things in this life than a number on the weighing scales..
So much goodness but it's not all too good to be true. Because it is real. I'm not going to bring myself down by saying that it's all going too well, because it's going exactly how it's supposed to, right now..