Diann on Monday 3

Today there was just a small little something Ma said that I can't get out of my head. And that's that "I'm a totally different person than I used to be". Ma said that she can see I've changed so much. It didn't make me happy. I just suddenly had visions of me not being energetic anymore and being old and not living life to the full the way I used to. I felt like it had all been taken away from me. I had visions of how on top of life I always felt and how much adrenaline I would get from just being alive or just thinking ahead of what the future could possibly hold. And now, I felt like I could have changed so much, that nobody will know me anymore. Nobody will approach me the way they used to.

All the friends I have, if and when they see me again, will think I'll be a TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON. But I never wanted to change. I never wanted to slow down. I never wanted any of this.. Even though Diann said today that these months needed to happen for me to able to travel the world with sustained energy and giving me the opportunity to embrace each experience fully, instead of rushing around needing to fill the day with as much partying, sightseeing, working and happiness as possible. Because I know I did need to change me way of going through life. But sometimes it kind of freaks me out thinking that I've lost the thing that people liked the most about me.. which was my energy and drive. Or maybe that's just what I've led my self to believe. Maybe that wasn't it at all. Maybe there are other things about me that people liked. But I still have my energy and my drive, just different. I'm might not be racy anymore or restless or go-go-go.. But that doesn't mean I'm lazy or that my passion for life has gone. Because it's still there and I felt it last week more so than ever and on some other occasions too.

I know that people change and that experiences change people. And changes need to be made, to live life. It's the way it goes. I just think that it's the rate or the pace at which I've changed that has caught me off guard a little. Most people change gradually. Over time, they can either slow down or speed up, close themselves off from the world or open up and let the world in. It all depends on the person I suppose. But it's almost like I've been in hibernation or in hiding for months and months. And before going into hiding I was one person, and now I'm "coming out" of hiding months later, a whole new approach to life is being experienced. Ma said the I've changed so much. And it's only freaking out the part of me, that judges me, that expects me to do certain things, the part of me that doesn't want me to sit down, the part of me telling me I shouldn't eat, the part of me that says I'm not worthy of anything. That's the part that's being freaked out by this change.

The otherside of me, isn't annoyed that I got this chance to change, without asking for it. It isn't dwelling on it and it knows that I needed this to live my life and travel the world. If I hadn't gone through this journey, I would never have slowed down. I would still be racing around, running through life only getting short and brief experiences without fully appreciating it and therefore not fully embracing them. I look back over the past 4 years and I remember how I'd always feel whenever I'd look at how my life was going to plan out. And it would exhaust me, just thinking about it. I would have visions of me running riot, forever, never taking a time-out and never calming down. I would never have slowed down, without it being a case of life or death. That's how far it got, but I needed it.

Back then I was still wanting to travel, as much as possible in as little time as possible. As the song goes: "No time to waste, I gotta move with haste"..that applied to me. I seemed to want everything in life. But nobody can have it all. So it's best to focus on making the one thing you want the most to happen, happen. And that's travel. That's all I want. I knew that then, but I know it more so now. And I know more about me too, to make it happen and to do it the way I want it done. I know how to go about getting it and keeping it. This time last year, I didn't know. So I needed this change and I needed to learn what I've learned.

Right now, at this moment in time, I want to put myself out there in the world. I want to put all of me, to the test. I want to feel what it's like to be an adventurer again. I want to feel what life will be like and how I will see the world and how the world will see me. Diann said today, that I'll notice the difference once I'm out there again. I'll go traveling and the world will respond differently to me. Because I'll see the world differently. And isn't that what they always say.. Through whatever eyes you see the world, the world sees you in the same light. You and the world are a reflection of each other. If I choose to see the world as one big party, then that's what I'll project to the world so that's what the world will see looking at me. It would be the same if I were to see the world as a dark and gloomy place. That's what I'd project and therefore that's what others would see.. You get back exactly what you put out there.. I truly believe that. But do I see the world as a party? A year or 2 ago? yes, most definitely.

How do I see the world? As a magical and beautiful place and life is still as wonderful as ever or probably even more so. Can I put these feelings out there? I think I can. If that's how I choose to see the world, then surely that's what will come back to me. It's all very well to see it like this, but in a way it shocked me to hear how much I've changed. I'm still the same underneath it all. I am, really. But isn't it strange? Because when I was in Oz 2 years ago, people told me that I came across as knowing myself so well. People that were older than me, would admire that in me. I thought I did, but now I'm only realizing that I only knew a tiny little bit of me. I look back and I didn't know hardly anything. Again, I think it's just the pace at which this has all happened, that makes it seem like I've learned so much, when maybe I'm only just starting. It's hard to say.

But, really, it doesn't matter how much I know about myself now and how little I knew back then. Because it's all about the here and now and about the fact that I am learning to use the tools I have to be apart of the world again. No matter how much or how little I've changed, I don't need to dwell on it. Because I still want to have fun, I still want to travel, I'm still aching for adventure, I'm still prone to feeling natural adrenaline and I'm still Niamh. If others turn on me, because of who I am, then they simply aren't worth worrying about. They can either take it or leave it. Because I am what I am.