An extra life inside

Yesterday afternoon it was time for acupuncture again. It was all pretty good. We had a chat before the treatment. First he showered me with compliments as to how well I was looking and then I was telling him how my week was and how I felt after last weeks treatment.

It was so strange and I felt so weird talking to him and telling him what I'd been feeling.. how depressed I'd gotten, how much I'd cried and how suddenly the world was just right there, for me to venture out in to. He said straight away: "That's you're heart that's opening up again". It was such a relief to hear him say that and for him not to judge me or question my feelings. A rush of emotion ran through me and I was strangely feeling grateful towards my heart for giving me that great feeling and for not letting me down and for fighting to get back the feeling of standing on top of the world again and being ready for life. But it was also so reassuring to hear what it was exactly and for him not to think that I was going insane for feeling so odd, emotional, alien and upset just because of hearing Eileen speaking about going traveling. I needed to hear her talk about travel in order for me to have such an intense response and for that to show me that I'll be able to make it all happen.

For so long I've known it, but it's not the same as actually feeling it. I didn't need to explain to Mr. Acupuncturist what it was exactly, because he knew what it was I was trying to say. He said that the wall that had I'd created around my heart and soul for so long, has slowly been coming down, but last week I felt it more so than ever before. It's like I don't have to shut out the world and everybody in it anymore just to survive each day. Because that's what I had to do for so long. The crying and breaking down of this wall was my heart letting myself slowly become apart of the world again and the world could become a part of me. Those weren't his words, but that's just what it was like, once the depressed state of mind had lifted.. the world was right there and I could see it so clearly.

He asked me if it wasn't all too much for me to handle. I'd be lying if I were to say that it wasn't overwhelming. Even if it was too much, I had to deal with it anyway and I did get through it and I knew that I needed it to happen. My god, yesterday it was so strange and I felt as if I'd become someone else, as I sat there in his office telling him about this. And then I got all choked-up. And I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I could see it in his eyes too that he was slightly blown away by it all.

I felt so excited inside, when we were talking. I wanted to shout from the rooftops that I'm coming alive again. I was ecstatic and just couldn't wait for everything.. for life. I can't really put into words what I was feeling but it was definitely exciting, liberating and emotional.

It just goes to show, what months and months of working on myself, getting to know every little thing about myself, learning and letting go and being faced with the harsh facts of life, can really pay off. I never knew that I was so closed-off from the world until last week. I never knew a human body can be so amazing as to give me so much freedom and natural ecstasy almost, by just being me. I had to go through so much but it's all down to myself that I felt the way I did last week and it's also down to myself that I can now actually experience what being apart of the world REALLY means. And I never imagined that it would make me feel this way.. I don't think I've ever felt like this before. I can't quite describe it. But it's a special feeling..

The treatment itself was pretty good. As I lay on the table, I couldn't get the words he had said to me out of my head.. "you're heart had opened again". It caused so much excitement inside, that I was buzzing every couple of minutes. It was like I was getting electric shocks. For a while I wasn't myself anymore. I was just a source of energy, ready for everything, even though my body isn't yet, not physically anyhow. But I felt the life inside of me, like a little extra person, that was jumping up and down outside of me on the treatment table, all excited and happy. But my body was motionless and like a cushion full of pins, letting the life run wild inside of me and just feeling so happy knowing that all will be okay again..

I could go on and about how great it all was, but I'll never truly be able to put it all down on paper, so you'll just have to take my word for it..