Family dynamics

Family dynamics. What does it mean? So much more, than I had ever expected. 2 weeks ago, I was talking to Diann about this subject, or she was talking to me more like. It's complicated and I never really knew they existed.

The dynamics in a group or in a class..yes I know all about that as I've learned about that years ago, when I was tourguiding. Every group is different and made up of different personalities. Each person takes on a certain role within the group. The other personalities within a group, determine your position. If you are a dominant person and you find yourself in a group or a class of which the majority is also dominant, this would effect your part or your presence, within the group. You'd be maybe more withdrawn or quiet and less of a leader than you would be if you were to be in a group or class of which the majority is laid-back or shy or less driven. If you are a chatty person, you might be less chatty if you were in a group surrounded by 10 other chatty people than if you were to find yourself in a group with people who don't have the natural ability to talk.

Every person within the group reacts differently to different personalities and to different situations. Every group is different and the people around you, determine the role you take within this group. Everybody can remember a group or a class they were a part and that made them feel comfortable, happy and gave them great friends and experiences. Usually that's down to the fact that all the personalities as they had been brought together, didn't cause any major friction because people weren't having to act differently to keep the peace. On the other hand, I'd say everybody can also remember a time in their lives when they found themselves in a group or a class, where they just didn't feel comfortable.. Sometimes certain people just fit together without anybody needing to adjust their own behaviour or way of interacting and other times some people just don't fit together.. it's all group-dynamics.

Families work more or less the same. Whilst growing up, everyone takes on a certain "position" or role within the family. Different personalities are almost being forced to feel at home, within the family at the same time as growing up together, living closely side-by-side, having to deal with puberty, finding your way in life and wanting to belong and feel comfort whether you fit in or not. The role that is put upon you, becomes normal and over the years it's this role that everyone expects you to take on and to continue being. Nobody even realizes that they were playing a certain role, within the family, until everyone grows up and moves out of the house and lives their own lives.

That's when it becomes evident if you have felt at ease whilst fulfilling this role you played for years and years. Your true person comes out because you have the space to be and do as you wish. Maybe the role you played, was exactly according to how you were to continue in your life. Maybe, within the family, you became the "one-your-mother-doted-on-the-most", maybe you became the "second mother", maybe you became the "problem child" or maybe you became "odd-one" or the "special-one". And once you stepped foot out into the world, away from the dynamics of the family, away from what people wanted or expected you to be, that's when it came to light that you might not have felt fine with playing that part within your family.

It can become clear, that it was the whole set-up within the family that made you act in a particular way, beyond your control. The environment in which you grew up and the effect certain family situations and certain family members had on you, was all because of the dynamics. Stepping outside of this, is when so much can become clear and when you can deal with the issues that were a problem for you back then, but are brought to the surface when you are thrown back in to that family circle again.

You often hear, that once siblings leave home and start to grow-up that suddenly they create a closer bond with each other, they understood one another more and they can see things in that person that they couldn't see or appreciate when they were still living in the same house. This is because the siblings have a different role now. They don't have other family members causing them to act in a certain way, just to keep the peace. They don't have to live up to certain expectations and they can be more at ease because they are living their own lives without having to fit in to the family as is expected of them to do so.

When everyone has left home, and the family comes together again, that's when everyone automatically slips back in to the role the had, when they were growing up. The family is back together again so in order for everyone to be in harmony together, the roles are subconsciously being played again. But everyone is older and wiser and if they open their eyes, they can see what's happening. This can cause the family gatherings to be disastrous, especially if you come from a family where nearly all members have issues they haven't dealt with. Some might not be happy filling that same role as they did when they were younger. It can cause them to feel the awful feelings they felt when they were younger and that in turn can cause gatherings to not be a someone would want.

How can I relate that to me? Well, it makes everything make so much sense. Because I've only started to see how our family works, 2 weeks ago at Christmas. Our family, they are my world, but were are a complicated one and I think that's inevitable with so many of us. At Christmas when we were all together again, it was the first time in years that I wasn't filling the role I used to fill.. or the role I'd been filling for the past 5 or 6 years anyhow.. The role of trying to make everyone have a good time and for things to go smoothly and being in a certain way so that everything would just slot together. No, this year I went back to the role I filled when I was so much younger.. I'm talking about how I was feeling towards Eileen. Which is so bad.

When we were growing up, I was such an awful person towards her. All my anger and frustration I took out on her because she had all the things I didn't. She was pretty, spoilt and got all the attention. I was or got nothing of the sort and it's only now that I'm seeing why I treated her like that, when we were kids. It all came back up, over Christmas, especially on the days I was feeling bad. I had made peace with how mean I was, when I was 17 or 18. But after Christmas I was feeling so guilty about it, and even as I could feel and see it happening there was nothing I could do to stop it. It all came back up over Christmas. Diann suggested I write her a letter, go through it all, deal with it, face up to my responsibilities, make peace with it and then burn it. That way it's dealt with. So I did that last week and it took a few days for the feelings to settle, but they did and now I'm fine again. As Diann put it: "Don't beat yourself up about it, because it just old s**t. Don't stress about it, just accept it". So that's what I've done.

It got me thinking about how complicated it all can be and Diann said that it's not until everyone deals with their own issues, and also possible issues with other family members, will everyone not feel the need anymore to fill that role they played when they were young. Then again, if everyone is feeling fine within the family then there isn't a problem.

I know why I wasn't able to fill the role I usually would fill..which was making sure Da was feeling at ease and it was because I was dealing with so much stuff myself. I didn't have the energy and I couldn't take on the responsibility of making one of my parents feel happy. Because that's where my problems started in the first place. Not being able to fix them or cure their problems and thinking by seeking approval I could somehow or someway make things okay. I can never ever think like that again. Dealing with MY issues in my own way will make that need go away and I'll probably never fill that role I used to fill within the family again. But that will be a good thing because I'll feel fine with it. I'll accept people and situations as they are and they'll accept me, as I am.. hopefully.