Bad Breakfast

Saturday morning.. Feeling uncomfortable and having troubles at breakfast time.
The songs on the radio are the same over and over again. I even seem to know what song they're going to play, just before it starts. A sure sign that my world is far too small and that I've totally had it with thinking about food and trying to figure out if I'm eating what I want, when I want. A sure sign that I need more, so much more but there's no where I can get it from, at this moment. There's no where I can go for a conversation. There's no where I can just go to, all my by myself without having to ask for anybody else to assist me or to help me or without having to explain why, when, what and how.

I can't keep on going and thinking about food and about what I'm eating. Because I don't need to analyze it. The more I think about it, the more confused I get. The less I'm fantasizing or looking forward to a meal, the more worried I get.

Yesterday wasn't too great. I was feeling down and alone for a while even though there were people around me. I wasn't alone but I was still an island. It was just me in my world, looking at the rest of the world in theirs and thinking about food and feeling cold. All I wanted to stay curled up in bed because that's where I was safe and warm, but I couldn't. I knew if I did, it would feel bad and might not have been able to sleep..maybe that's why I was so cold too, because I've been sleeping so bad and maybe it was the tiredness that got to me.. I don't know..

Anyhow, I've had this strange feeling in my throat for days now. It's was just sore to start off with. Eileen had the flu, so I was bound to catch something. But since yesterday it's been feeling like I'm being choked. Like it's closing up and food not wanted or needed and it's just awful. It's like I'm full, all the time and there's no need for me to ever eat again. I don't need it. I've only been having one supplement a day for the past week and even that's too much. I don't feel hungry anymore and my stomach is always full. And the worst thing about it, is that I can't do anything to get rid of that feeling. It might not help that I'm not able to go to the toilet either (sorry for gory details). My stomach is satisfied, 24 hours a day and it's not a nice feeling. Because, let's face it, who wants to sit down to a massive dinner when they're already full? Who can enjoy food, if they aren't hungry and feel like somebody has cut off the passage through which food should be consumed? Nobody.. you don't have to have had an eating disorder to feel that it's just wrong.

I went to bed last night and I knew it might be a problem.. my breakfast this morning. Why? because I want too much. I want to eat it all and I can't because I'm just not hungry. I feel bad for eating and I feel bad for not eating. So there's no winning really. I wanted some fruit & fibre cause it's yummy. But when I woke up I still had that feeling in my throat so I thought it would be best to have that cereal because there's more liquid in it, which would make it easier to swallow than if I were to have yogurt with muesli.

As I was making up my mind, I was already thinking about what I could have throughout the rest of the day.. I could have some yogurt and fruit in the afternoon after having some smoked salmon on toast. But I thought by doing that, I might be getting back in to my old habits, which were: eating too much cereal, muesli, yogurt and fruit. But if that's what I wanted to eat, then shouldn't that be okay?? So I decided that's what I was going to do, I made it and was smelling it..huummmm. I wasn't too hungry so that cereal wouldn't fill me too much and soon it would be time for smoked salmon.

But no.. because I then started to worry that I might be eating too much and the fruit&fibre might not be a nutritious breakfast and I need a filling breakfast with more grains and fruit.. So I left the bowl of cereal and made my usual yogurt. But I looked at it and thought that too, was the wrong decision. I thought maybe it would have been better for me to wait to have yogurt until around 3 o'clock, because then I'd look forward to it and enjoy it more.. But if I were to have the cereal, my breakfast would be over too soon and I didn't want that either. So what was I supposed to do?

I soon came to the conclusion that whatever I were to eat, wouldn't have been the right thing. Both breakfasts would have wrecked my head. It was all because I wasn't hungry and I feel like I'm eating too much and so bored that all I can do is analyze the food and try find the answer as to why I'm eating what I'm eating.
What did I eventually eat in the end? I thought, if it's all feeling too much then I should just stick to what's "safe" and what's more nutritious at the same time and the one that will keep me satisfied for longer. And that was the yogurt and muesli. I was enjoying it so much. And I started to think that if I still craved some cereal during the day, I can have some, as a snack maybe. If that's what I want, then surely I can let myself have it?

I was feeling so full, even after a few bites. But I had to just sit and eat it. I never let myself throw anything out. No matter how full I am. Because once I do that, then I feel bad because I think I'm restricting. I was feeling so uncomfortable though and I don't know why.

Maybe because of the breakfast I had yesterday.. I had fruit & fibre mixed with Shredded wheat. And I was so full that I thought I'd never be hungry again. But I had to keep on eating, so I had a slice of toast. I wasn't too happy about that either.. but I finished it. Then I had some fruit and yogurt and nuts. That was real tasty but it kind of freaked me out because I might not have had enough protein which isn't good.. And then all I wanted to do was keep on eating but I couldn't think about food anymore. I was sick of it. So I went shopping with Ma for a couple of hours, which got me away from my thoughts (even though we were doing food shopping..) I had dinner, which was some chicken in soup and brown bread. It was real nice and then I had a supplement at around 9. Surely that isn't a lot of food in one day..

To get a comprehension as to how much food I've been eating, I've been trying to estimate the amount of calories I've been taking. So on a day like yesterday I had around 1600. Is that a lot? I don't know. I don't think so. I wasn't hungry at any point throughout the day, only just before dinner maybe. But I wasn't wanting to eat. Maybe because of that disgusting feeling in my throat? All this had got me thinking that it might be better for me to try eat 6 small meals a day. They say that when you do that, and they're healthy foods, that you will never feel hungry and it's better for you and you'll never get fat. If it's healthy, you can actually eat all day long if you like. That way you'll never overeat and you'll never feel bad for stuffing your face and that way there'll never be any guilt and that will mean there'll never be any reason to want to restrict or compensate.. Is that why I'm overthinking it all, because I really want to eat 6 small meals a day but I can't because it might be for the wrong reason??

Why is it all a problem? I really have no idea. But I know that I could sit here all day analyzing it and trying to find out why I'm feeling like this. But, to be honest, I don't really care anymore. Why should I care if I overeat today and undereat tomorrow and get fat in the process of it all? Okay, I know it's not as simple as that. But can't I make it that simple? Can't I just blank my mind from all the worries about putting on weight and eat and feel fine? Well, if that were the case, then I wouldn't be in this situation, would I? No, I wouldn't..

I think I might have to stop right here.. I just don't want to think about food anymore and I want to get moving in any direction, so so so badly but right now, there's no way out.