Overthinking again

It's Monday evening and I'm haven't been too chirpy or feeling that great. At the moment I'm just slightly sick of everything. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I feel like nothing is happening and that I'm stuck and anytime things happen to happen that are good then they don't feel like they're good. I want these things and "discoveries" to make me happy. But they're not. They're bringing me down, sometimes upsetting me, sometimes making me angry.

Anger that I want to get rid of and by doing so I'm only making others feel bad which makes me feel even worse. But if I weren't discovering anything, I'd feel awful too. I feel like I'm winning but why isn't that making me feel happy? To win or to loose..both feel so bad. It will never be right and it will never feel good. Maybe it will but then I'll be better again and back to full health and this case will be closed. It will all be gone and the puzzle will be complete. Every aspect of my life that I've addressed and still need to address, will be dealt with, will be put to rest and everything will feel clear, 80% of the time. Because nobody, even in the fullest of their health, sees clearly 100% of the time.. it's just not possible.

I can't scream from the rooftops that all is going well. I can see where I am, but that doesn't mean I'm happy. But saying that, feels like a lie. Because I'm in a better place than I was or have been, in a long long time.. or a lot of months anyhow. So, it's not strange that I wonder why I'm not able to express it and thrive from how far I've already come and feel excitement for the things, places and people I want to meet and see.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself right now, not at all. Because there's nothing to be sorry about. I don't want pity from myself or anybody around me. I'm not trying to create problems where there aren't any. This is just exactly what's there at the moment. So I shouldn't analyze it and I can't dwell on it. It just is.

I want to be happy about how I'm doing. But if that's not how I'm feeling, then I'm not going to act that way. As long as I know that these are just feelings that are temporary. Feelings change as moments change. So accepting them will make life easier for myself. I'm eating and getting stronger. I'm learning but I'm not yet doing. I'm gaining weight and gaining energy. My muscles are growing but aren't yet toned. My dizziness isn't frequent and my heart is strong. So much health is coming to me and with that the opportunities that I choose to see in life can be grabbed and experienced. Opportunities that arise and will get me to where I'm going. I'll soon be fit enough to be able to do something with these opportunities. Maybe then I'll start to feel happy. But am I happy in myself? Yes I am, so I shouldn't need these opportunities to make me feel happy. But if they give make me send me into thriving-mode instead of keeping me in survivor-mode, as I currently am, then I shouldn't question or feel guilty for wanting a full life.

Feeling joyful and happy? I'm not too sure if I am. It changes. It's flexible. Just like the image I have of myself. This is just as unpredictable as my day-to-day state of mind. I can't rely on myself to be able to feel good about this weight I'm carrying. I can't rely on myself to feel as happy as I am about who I am inside, as who I am outside. They aren't as one. But they can be..someday hopefully.

My confidence should slowly come back. Because fighting this and maybe slowly seeing the strength I have, will give me a confidence that can't be taken away from me again. A confidence I might be able to trust and depend on. Because being confident, doesn't that give you the drive you need to be that person you want to be and to venture out into the world again?

As I sit here, day after day, repeating things over and over again, and as I visit Diann week after week, and as life is still being lived, and as I continue to eat, no matter how alien it sometimes makes me feel, I'm constantly thinking and challenging myself. All to get to the end. That's exactly how I'd describe that past few weeks, when everything has settled down and there's peace around me and I'm focusing on me and now I can literally feel myself struggling to get to the finish line. I can see it, and I'm crawling and doing my best to make it. But if I make it and I'm on my hands and knees, because I've pushed myself too far and overdone it..then how on earth am I going to have the energy to start living again? If I'm on my hands and knees, I won't make it, because I still be only hanging-on. I won't be strong like I want to be. I won't be fighting fit. I won't be jumping up and down. What if I want to be jumping up and down, once I reach the finish line? Do I have to keep on taking it slowly? But if I'm taking it slowly then nothing is happening. I need to challenge myself or else I'll never make it.

I sometimes wonder what Diann thinks when she sees me? Does she think that I was going really well for a while and that ever since then I've been going downhill again and am not doing enough to get through this? Does she think that I bring on all these problems myself by overthinking everything? Have I just answered my own question by writing these last few sentences.. But that's what I do..I get caught-up in my own thoughts. Diann has said this on several occasions. And I know she's right. But I can't help it. Especially if there's nothing else going on in my life. But if that's the case, then shouldn't I make things happen and occupy my mind all the time in order to stop over-analyzing things? But analyzing things, sometimes is good for me because I can clear things up. By doing this is can see where I am and it reassures me that I'm on the right track. Surely that's a good thing? But maybe not if I start to drive myself insane. Is that what I'm doing right now?

I don't know how many weeks or sessions I've had with Diann. It shouldn't really matter. Because nobody has said it's for only a certain amount of hours hours or weeks. So I should just keep on trotting along and I'll get there. Patience patience patience..