A familiar face

On Saturday afternoon I was in Tesco with Ma. Doing some shopping, getting some food. We were in the fruit and veg section. All of a sudden I seen a girl I know from primary school. Louise. We were mates back then and would play with a few other girls.. Deirdre, Siobhan and Nicole. When I left Ireland and moved to Holland, we stayed in touch and would see each other, every few years, whenever I was back here in Arklow. The last time I saw her was 2 and a half or 3 years ago.

Actually, it was 2 months ago and I saw her from a far when I was in the cinema one night. But it freaked me out. I didn't want to see her. I couldn't bare the thought that she would recognize and want to have a chat because of course she'd want to know what I was doing and why and how long I was in Ireland for. I was so ashamed back then. I felt such panic when I seen her, my heart was going ninety and I just wanted to run. But I couldn't because we were waiting for the movie to start. She didn't see me that night, or at least I don't think she did. It was such a relief that I didn't have to face her.

But anyhow.. On Saturday afternoon it was different. I seen Louise and my first reaction was to go over and say hi. So I did, without thinking of what I was going to tell her. It all happened so fast. She gave me a hug and asked how long I was over here for. I could have given her loads of different answers, just so I wouldn't have had to face up to telling her the truth. It's hard to know what to do in a situation like that, especially seeing as though I was caught off-guard AND in the supermarket AND she's the first "friend" I've seen since I've been back. And another thing about it is that this is small town and everybody knows everything about everyone. Everyone who knows Ma, knows that I haven't been too well the past few months. So I was actually surprised that she hadn't already heard.

I told her I've been here since June. It was so hard because she wanted to know what I was up to. I just said, feeling so uncomfortable, that I hadn't been well. When someone says that to you, of course you're going to ask what the problem is. I said that I'm getting over an eating disorder. I didn't go into details. But it was weird, standing in Tesco's and feeling all woozy and spaced-out because I was letting someone in. She's not a stranger but I hadn't seen for 2 or 3 years. So mixed emotions going on.. I felt so vulnerable but at the same time, she's such a nice person and I wasn't going to pretend all was great in my world. I told her that I've gotten over the worst of it and that I'm trying to get back on my feet again. She was so sweet. We chatted for a short while and she wanted to meet up sometime. So that was nice.

But it kind of blew me away. I was telling Diann about it today that it played on my mind the whole weekend because I could see how far I've come. Just the fact that I didn't want to run, like I did 2 months ago when I seen her from a distance, was a big thing. By facing her, I faced my own fears. Because for months I've been so scared and dreading bumping into any of those girls I used to hang out with, for fear of what they would see and think as it was pretty obvious to anybody who has known me for years, that I was sick.

But now, I'm not so scared anymore. Because I don't look sick anymore. I look like I'm supposed to look. Nobody can tell by looking at me, what's been going on. I'm not ashamed either, to say what's been going on. But I don't want anybodys sympathy. I don't want people to pity me. I don't want anything like that. I don't want to broadcast it either, but if situations like this arise and it doesn't feel bad to let someone in, then isn't that okay? Why do I think that I've done bad by telling her? Have I though? O god, now I'm questioning myself again.. I have to let it go now.. and see it from a different point..

I can see it as this: In the space of 2 months I've come far, I think. So that should mean that in another 2 months, I could go even further. That's if I let it take it's course and if I don't stress it and if I don't try to dig when there's nothing more to dig uup and if I venture out in ways that I haven't yet dared to. So can I do this? I reckon I can. I need to and all will hopefully be well in my world someday soon.. but again.. no pressure.. another step has been taken on Saturaday.