Respecting boundaries

Boundaries. Diann has tried to explain to me, both yesterday and last week Monday, how they effect me and what it is they mean. I have started to try see where my boundaries are with the people around me. So picture it like this: there's me..or there's you. The person who is centre stage, is the person's whose life it is. Because afterall, your life is a "play" and the main character in this play, is you. It's around you that life takes place and you determine the plot of your story, which is your life.

Anyhow. Back to boundaries. You are standing in the this world, living your life surrounded by family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues and strangers. Every person you come into contact with, can make you feel a certain way. They can make you feel relieved or angry. They can make you feel happy or sad. Everybody can name a person who can make them feel a certain way. With boundaries it's about seeing how other peoples behaviour or issues can effect your own mood. You know who to turn to when things get rough, you know who NOT to turn to when you want to stay in a good mood. Therefore you determine where the boundaries are with every person you come into contact with. You can let them into your life, your heart or your soul. You can keep them at a distance and only give them small amounts of your attention and your energy. These boundaries can change though, as they are flexible. Letting them in, or keeping them as far away as possible doesn't have to mean you love or dislike that person any more or any less. It's just your state of mind that determines the feelings that come up when you come into contact with them or when there is an opportunity to come into contact with them. It can make you happy or bring on stress. It can make you feel special or make you feel tired, just by thinking about it.

To me it seems so complicated. Last week I've been thinking about it and I've been trying to figure out how certain people make me feel when I'm stressed or sad or happy or chilled-out. Whenever I'm happy or chilled, I can deal with probably every mood, state of mind or issue the people around me have, without them having a negative effect on me. Then the boundaries aren't there, but they don't need to be. Not on my part anyhow. So I can let them in. But it works both way and it could be that they have their own boundaries as to how close I'm allowed to come into their world because I might make them feel a certain way; A way that they aren't too happy about.

People who accept you whatever way you are, be it angry, frustrated, depressed or lonely, are people who can usually pick up on how the boundaries are set at a certain time. They can sense if you are in the right frame of mind to deal with them or with their problems. They can feel if you are okay with being around them and they also know that it isn't personal if you aren't feeling okay being around them. Because it isn't. It's just your own issues that are occupying your mind, your own internal turmoil, that's stopping you from feeling capable of letting them in. I don't think it has anything to do with love but it can effect us more when it's the people who we love the most that we can't let in or when they can't let us in. I think.. It confuses me a lot of the times, especially as I've been trying to put it into practise and trying to see where my boundaries are with certain people in certain situations.

Diann told me that they are flexible. They aren't built never to be removed again. They can change and they aren't anything to feel bad about. But what can I do with them? And why are they an issue? If I can see where my boundaries are with certain people when I'm feeling a certain way or when they're feeling a certain way, then I can use this knowledge to not let the boundaries be broken so we both still accept each other and not let it effect the way we treat each other or feel towards each other. I think.. I'm not too sure.

When someone steps beyond the boundaries and comes too close, that's when I can get freaked out, if I'm not feeling good. That's when I need space and if I don't get it, I can't deal with what's going on in my head. That happened during the Christmas week. And I know it will happen again. It wasn't until last week Monday, when Diann started talking about boundaries that I realized that's also the reason why for so long, I couldn't let anybody in. I couldn't open-up. I couldn't speak about how I was feeling and I couldn't say if it was good or bad. Because I needed space. There was simply too much going on in my head. I still often feel like that, but not all the time. I would stress and worry about why I wasn't as able to open-up as I used to. Why was I so closed off and why couldn't I just open my mouth and say what it was that was bothering me? I think now I know why.. If I've got the whole "boundary-theory" worked out that is.

Yesterday I still wasn't understanding it all that well. But Diann said, just think of the word "safe". If it feels safe to be around people and to feel fine with interacting with them, then your boundaries aren't up and you don't need a lot of space and you can deal with issues, other than your own. If it doesn't feel safe and if someone walks into the room and instantly your stomach scrunches together, then it isn't safe. If this happens, I shouldn't feel the need to treat that person not too nicely. I could see it as a trigger or as a warning sign that I need space and that's when I need to take it. It's when there's alot going on in my head and when I can't deal with certain situations or certain people. It works the same way for the other person too. If I can pick up that someone isn't fine with me talking to them or with them opening up to me or me opening up to them or if it makes them become distant, instantly, then they need their space and I should give it to them without resenting, without anger and with respect.

Everyone has boundaries and they change. Boundaries need to be respected because it's how people choose to deal with things in their lives. If I can listen to what my gut feeling is telling me when it comes to my boundaries, I think that should give me the opportunity to deal with more or to save myself from unneeded pressure and stress. Sometimes dealing with food, I need space. Or else the stress of having someone coming too near to me AND me trying to eat, gets too much and can cause me to not want to have people or food around me. Food and boundaries are closely linked.. I think.. Hummm... I'm not 100% sure, but I'll just remind myself to think of the word "safe". That should show me how this whole thing with the boundaries works..