Thinking again

Sunday morning. I wasn't doing too great yesterday morning, but I managed to get out of my own head. I had to because I was driving myself insane. I stayed away from my thoughts for the rest of the day. I got through and now I'm back in there, again.. Don't I have anything better to do with my time?? No..

It's place I don't want to be. It's a place that scares me. A place where things are happening, both consciously and subconsciously and I'm going mad. Have I always been like this but have never realized or have I just always had enough distraction from the things around me to be able to stay away from my thoughts? But my thoughts are my own, so why would I want to block them out? They come from somewhere. Something along the line, triggered them, they had a starting point. But they never have an end. Not unless I stop them.

I can think of any little thing I want and imagine things to happen or see things that aren't there. I can come up with different situations or try to think for other people. I can try answer my own questions. I can make myself feel up or I can make myself feel down. I can choose to see the walls coming in around me or I choose to look beyond the walls and see this house as only somewhere I can call home, but not as something that's holding me back and making me feel trapped, monitored and no longer apart of normality.

My own thoughts, I can steer them towards the light or towards the darkness. I can either see the good or the bad. But can I decide not to see either of these? Just as they are, neither good or bad? Because who determines if my thoughts are bad or good? There's nobody that knows what I'm thinking that can tell me, Niamh this is bad or Niamh this is good. If I choose to stand back and see who is actually thinking these thoughts then I can be the silent witness and look at myself and what I'm bringing upon myself. I can witness myself making myself feel bad or good. I can blame the things around me, the people, the situation, the environment, the society.. I can blame it all on these factors, but I'm the one who's creating them.

The thoughts and influences are just how I perceive everything around me at the given moment. It can all change and my thoughts are, as everybody elses, as unpredictable as the weather. The sun can be shining one minute and it could be blowing a gale of wind, the next. But if the sun is shining, it doesn't necessarily mean that all is good. It's just an opinion. It isn't a fact that a shining sun is a sign of happiness and clarity. That only what it's become known for. Some people might prefer the rain. It might bring up things that they treasure and that are precious to them. But this isn't classed as "normal" as the rain has come to represent the feelings depression or maybe loneliness.

But what if I were to say that the rain makes me feel happy? Wouldn't everyone just laugh? Wouldn't I be classed as a depressed or tortured soul? Why is that? Why can't people just be, feel and do as they wish without being judged? Why can't people just let themselves feel happy when it's raining and sad if the sun is shining? If that's what they want, then isn't that okay? If it's what makes them feel comfortable, then who is to say it's wrong? Or, for the matter, why would somebody let the season as well as their environment rule their state of mind?

If I can control my own thoughts, regardless of where I am and what I'm doing or not doing, then can't I also control my state of mind. Because I have the power to turn my mood around. I've always been able to be positive and look on the bright side of life.. When I was at my all-time low, I tried so hard to pick myself up when I was feeling down but I couldn't and I wondered why on earth I wasn't able to succeed in looking at life positively. I was lifeless, ill and even possessed by a demon. But now I can pick myself up when I'm feeling down. I can turn my thoughts around. I can choose to let my environment have the impact it has on me. The ball is in my court, or the thoughts are in my head. I'm the only own who chooses what direction my they take and if I let them rule me or not. The ball is my thinking and the court is my core.

I can ask myself why I'm thinking these awful things. But I never ask myself why I'm thinking good things? Why is that? Just focusing on the bad thoughts, whenever they arise and looking for a reason even when there isn't one which only leads to frustration and dark thoughts.

I should be able to control my thinking, but I don't always want to. It's not always easy and sometimes I can't see that I'm bringing it all on myself. Maybe I need to distract myself more. But I don't know if that means I'm ignoring certain problems and pretending all is well in my world when really it's not or if I'm doing good and using my energy properly.. But who is going to say if I'm doing good or bad, right or wrong. Nobody, Because I don't talk, I don't let anybody in. It's only a voice in my head, as second voice (how many voices can a person have in their heads at the same time..??no wonder I drive myself insane..) telling me if it's right or wrong. But it's just a voice, it's not me. The real me, isn't the thinking influenced by externals. I know that all too well. I do, but still... I don't know if I can stop them or if I can do any good with them. I just don't know anymore.