Bad Morning

I can't seem to sit still and I can't seem to sleep properly because I'm not doing anything during the day. Sleep doesn't really feel like something I need. If I'm not doing anything, then why should I need to sleep? I hate this so much. I know it's so bad for me to be thinking like this but I can't help it. Sleep, for me, just seems to be a way of killing time. It doesn't feel like a way to calm down and to get energized again. Why would I need to do this, if I don't need any energy? Because I don't do anything to use up all this energy. Absolutely nothing. And it's making me so mad and so frustrated. Why can't I do anything? Why can't I busy myself during the day, the way I want to and use my energy and feel good about it and then feel happy when I can go to bed at night and sleep the rest of my life away if that's how I'm feeling? Why can't I do that?

I've been busying myself and maybe it's wrong. I just don't know. I wake up every night so many times, and each time I wake up, I consider getting up and sitting downstairs, reading and being alone while the rest of the world lives and parties and I just continue to read and sit and read and sit, as my hips grow and looking as if I've not got a problem in the world. Or so it may look, on the outside. Maybe I'd feel better if I were to get up in the middle of the night and live, while everyone else sleeps..that way I wouldn't have to face anybody and I could do what I like? Wouldn't that be great, isn't that exactly what I want? A life all by myself, alone, without being watched or monitored or having to explain myself or analyze my week or force myself to pick myself up when I'm feeling down or force myself to be amongst people when really I don't? How can I ever get my own space? I can't. I might not ever get it again.

I want the whole world to be my space. But it's not. I want to be alone but meeting people. I want to be my own person again but not feel like an outsider. I want to feel normal but not mainstream. I'm not digging, I'm not trying to make things harder. When I sat down here, at my laptop, I didn't tell myself what I wanted to write. I just started typing and this is it. This is what's inside right now, and I hate it so much. And then I look in the mirror and want to erase my reflection because it's just awful. But I can't, because it's me and I have to accept that.

It hurts so much. Everything. Not being able to do anything or feel fine within myself. It hurts in my chest and my stomach is still feeling too full and my throat is still feeling like it's being closed off. Nobody understands anything but I don't think I want anybody to either. Because it's my thing isn't it? I don't need to hang on to anybody anymore, for dear life. I don't. I can hang onto myself and I'll get there. I don't need people around me anymore. But I can't shut people out. It would only upset things. I don't want to feel like a child anymore and that's how I'm made to feel by how people either ignore me, talk to me or treat me. Because nobody would ever ask me what's going on in my life, but that's because I don't want them to. So why is it p***ing me off then? They only know too well not to ask me, because I don't want to talk about it. But it makes me feel like an outsider at the same time. Like they couldn't care less. Like I'm invisible. Like I don't really matter. I know it's not true, I know that, but it's just how it makes me feel.

I need to start living my own life again. What if I were to go back to work and still struggle with Anna? Would I be able for it? Maybe I'd feel better, because I'd have my independence back. But then again, it might just set me back and muddle with my head. I just cannot say how much I hate this. Really I can't. There's seems to be nothing that's making me feel at ease. I'm seeing so many things and I know so much but it's only making me feel worse. Because I'm still leaning on people and I don't want to anymore. I want to start doing things for myself. Just me and not feel guilty for leaving people behind or for "fooling people" or for not needing people anymore.

Again, I could sit here and go over and over how much I hate everything, but it's only going to muck up my head, so I might just not do it anymore. Would that be better? I don't know. But going round and round and round certainly isn't helping. The other thing that isn't helping is being on the internet and seeing all the things I could be doing and not being able.. that's not making things easier. But if I wasn't to do that, then surely I'd never see what opportunities there are and start thinking about the road ahead..

Right, I'm gonna quit while I'm head.. or at least, quit while I'm in the middle of breaking down.