Tuesday 20-01

It's Tuesday afternoon and I've been calm since Saturday morning. Everything seems to feel good again. On Friday night as I lay in bed after having 2 of the most depressing days of my life..or in long while anyhow, I was wondering why I was feeling so bad. But I knew all along why I was feeling so rotten. To be around people and to hear about their lives and how happy they are and how much different things they're going to be doing, brought me down, big time.

The person that I'm around the most at the moment who is nearest my own age, is Eileen. She's totally in her prime. She's trying to find out what it is she wants in life. She's trying to figure out if she wants to go to college or to go traveling or whatever else pops into her head. She can't decide. And I look at her and I'm just so jealous. I envy her so much because she's got it all..everything I want. Or maybe it might just seem like that. Because deep down, I know I'm in my prime too, I know that I shouldn't be envious of others who are my age or younger. Because I have everything I need for me to get me to where I want and need to be and therefore, I know that I'll be okay and at the end of the day I wouldn't want to be in anybody else's shoes, others than my own. I wouldn't want to be 21 again. I wouldn't want to be 15. So I know it's fine.

But on Thursday there was no rational thinking.. So anything that I heard just hit all the wrong buttons. There's so little going on for me right now and so much for her, that hearing her talk about all those wonderful things she wants to experience, made me so sad. And that's what happened on Thursday. I walked into the kitchen and she was talking to Ma about teaching in China. She was talking about how great it would be and how cute and on and on..bla bla bla. Probably the worst thing of all was that I know Ma gave her the idea. It just made me so angry and I felt like they were both stealing all these things from me. Everything I wanted, all my ideas and plans, she was trying to make them hers. Or Ma was trying to make them Eileens. I'm not too sure but I wasn't happy with either of them. I cried and cried and thought I was never going to stop.

Why did it feel so bad and why were they "stealing" from me? I can't know the exact answer, but I do know that it made me feel alien and alone. Nobody had any idea what they were doing to me. They didn't seem to care either and it blew me away. Literally. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror because I didn't know who I was looking at. I didn't know what was happening but something was changing.

I kept on thinking about what Diann said to me weeks ago, that by listening to my intuition I'll know when I need to take the next step and I'll know what step that will be. For feeling so bad only just by hearing something that really hasn't got anything to do with me, had to mean something. I've never experienced anything like it before. Someone talking about something so casually and for me to have such an intense response to it and to make me depressed for 2 days solid..was the strangest thing. I must say it's happened before, but never to that extent. It made me feel so strange and so out-of-whack. It scared me in a way because I didn't know why it was happening.

Anyhow, I worked through it, by keeping myself to myself and interactions to a minimum for 2 days. Then on Friday night I knew something was different. I knew I was different. Something inside had changed. Like the click of a switch, I knew that I could make anything happen. Suddenly I knew I could have it all. And I knew it could be as soon as I wanted it to be. It was as if my mind-setting had changed as well as my way of thinking. It was like when I was traveling my way of thinking was fearless, without limits, without restrictions and it was all within my reach. My life was so adventurous and it was normal and my life was as it was supposed to be. I never knew what the next day, week or month would bring. It didn't matter whether I was in a job or not, the next day would still be exciting. Because if I wanted excitement, I'd get it. And Friday night that's the feeling I felt after so long. I've been feeling a lot of energy rushing round my body, literally, over the weeks and it's only been getting more, but this was different. It was like my mind wasn't closed-off anymore, even though I could hardly face up to anything or anyone for 2 days straight. My mind wasn't exhausted and it was as it was supposed to be. I knew that everything was within my reach. And I knew that it was time to make some decisions.

So with that thought I went to sleep and Saturday morning I was in good form. Everything seemed as if it could be so easy. Like everything used to be. Like traveling used to be. It was always so easy and nothing was a big deal. Nothing scared me. Nothing was impossible. I felt like that on Saturday for the first time in more than a year. It was liberating. It was reassuring. It gave me strength. It was brilliant. At one stage I was so excited, I just wanted to scream from the rooftops, how great it all was. I was overwhelmed to the point of dizziness. I lay on the sofa, for 5 minutes, with my head slightly hanging upside-down, my eyes closed and it was as if I was floating, I was flying, I was on rollercoaster, I was anywhere and everywhere, except lying on the sofa with my head slightly upside-down. It was the strangest feeling and I hadn't felt it in a long time.. I think they call it: high on life.

I was able to look in the mirror again without crying. Sometimes I would look myself straight in the eye and I'd get a fright. It would shock me to see what I saw. I can't give it an exact name. But I didn't recognize myself. I didn't see the person I had been looking at for the past year or more. Some sort of click had been made and all the crying and the bad feelings of Thursday and Friday made sense. I needed to go through that and I needed to hear Eileen talk about her life, for me to see that it's going to be my time pretty soon. I needed it to maybe make a decision as to where to go or what to do.

It's still only one step at a time even though I have started to make a few decisions. One decision will effect the other and I'm not too sure where to start. I'm weary of overdoing it and getting ahead of myself. But maybe that's what I need to keep this process going. I read once that once you have an idea, it starts as a tiny little light in your mind. With time that idea will grow if you stay focused on that idea or intention you have. Having patience and waiting for that idea to come to life, will help it grow and make it happen. So that's what I'm doing at the moment. A few ideas are festering away in my head and if I manage to stay focused and calm then these ideas will manifest themselves and everything will fall into place.

Patience, as usual, is all I need..