Happy people! Happy me?

Something that is annoying me to the extremes. But it isn't fair. Because it's justified excitement and joy. To put myself in Ma's shoes and see it from her side of the story makes me understand why she's so pleased. Because things are coming along nicely. I'm doing good. But it brings up so much **** for me. The same **** that I had months and months ago..with the whole "everyone thinks I'm better, but I'm not and now they all expect me to be and act in certain ways". It brings it all back up when I know it shouldn't. It just makes me so angry.

But if I start asking myself why it's making me feel this way and try to change it, it will only stress me out. So I can't ask myself why. It just is. I shouldn't take it out on Ma though, and that's maybe why I'm sitting in my room right now, so I won't show her that I'm angry about it. Because that will only make me feel worse again. I had to escape because it was like all her joy was being dumped on me, but I can't have it. Not just yet anyhow. Maybe it's something I want so badly but I'm struggling to express, even though I can feel it on the inside.

Isn't it said that the way you perceive the world, is also the things you see in yourself the most? How does that work? If I'm not feeling to full of beans and feeling happy but I see Ma and she's happy, then doesn't that say something about what I would usually see in myself too? Because I know I'm a happy person. I do because I am. But I feel like, at the moment it's expected from me or that I'm supposed to be catching on to everyones joy around me. And I'm not. Does that make me a sad person that always wallows in their own grief? Does that make me a failure? I seem to think that it does, even though I know it's me just being silly.

Right at this moment, I dealing with enough and therefore I think it's safe to say that I don't need to express myself in a way that I don't want. People can try pull at me, to try get me out of my shell, but that will only happen when I feel like it. It will only happen when I'm feeling good, when there's no pressure, when there's no paranoia, when there's no expectations and when there's no stress. And at the moment I can feel the happiness, joy and excitement on the inside and it's brewing away nicely. I feel it just before I go to sleep (electricity shooting up and down legs, arms, and core) and I feel it when I think about things that will soon be coming my way and I feel it when I look at something fun on telly or when I hear good news from friends or family or when I look back at photo's. So I know it's all in there. And just because I feel like something has changed, it doesn't mean that, overnight, I'm going to be jumping on top of life again. It's all a process and it's all slow. I can push things along, but only at a certain pace.

So that's what I'm doing. And if Ma is being happy because of me, then haven't I achieved what I've always wanted to achieve? Which is: Making Ma happy and easing all her pain and making her proud of me. That's all I've ever wanted, all my life. And finally I'm doing it, but it's not making me happy. That probably just says that I'm doing what's right at the moment. It says that I'm not looking for happiness outside of me. By filling someone else u with joy, I'm never going to fill myself up. But to make Ma happy, shouldn't that make me happy and give me a sense of self worth. But it never worked out like that. I know now that it will never work, even if I am having some sort of influence on her happiness at the moment. But that doesn't heal me and it doesn't fix the root of the problem.

To close myself off and to put myself in a bubble, where nobody expects me to interact and where nobody's good or bad moods will do anything to me is all I can do at the moment. I'm processing too much right now, for me to be able to take on other people's moods or to feel responsible for what they're feeling. I cannot do this to myself. My god, if I wasn't such a softie, none of this would bother me in the slightest. But then again, if I wasn't, then I wouldn't have gotten to where I am today either.

Can I just ignore all the good around me? And not let them bring me up or down? If I can do that, then I'll know that me being up, is natural. It's me. And I'll know that me being down, is also natural. I then won't take on other people's moods or issues. I won't because I simply can't. I'll be me and I'll know what I'm capable of and I won't need someone around me in a good mood to make me feel happy.
The past days have just been so big, that I need time. I tend to always get ahead of myself, so I'm sure I won't need a whole lot of time, to give it all a place. But still. The stuff that I'm trying to place, is all real good but it's feels so raw too and it almost feels like it's not me who all this happening to. For instance, I woke up this morning and I actually thought that yesterday and all the great talking I was doing with Diann, was a dream. It was like I was supposed to wake up this morning without any of those good feelings. It was like I should have landed back in my own nightmare again. But I don't think I have, because it was all real. It did happen to me and it's still my life.