A walk with a difference

Since Monday I've started going on short daily walks. Actually since Tuesday, and yesterday it was raining so I didn't manage to get out for a stroll. But I've been out twice this week. I was talking to Diann about it on Monday and the change that I've been feeling is a sign that I can slowly start to rebuild my physical strength again.

I can't say that for the past 7 months all I've done is sitting on my backside. I've been out of the house, but not with the actual intention of going for a short walk. I'd walk to the car and then from the car to the shops and around the shopping centre. That would usually be the extent of my physical activity. Only once or twice I tried going for a short 10 minute walk around the estate. But it was never a big success. I got so scared or just weary at one stage, that I would start walking for the wrong reasons. Just thinking about it and wanting to do it would make me wonder if I'd start feeling guilty for not going, once I started walking again, and then in turn, I'd start to feel like I'm getting too fat because of all the sitting down I've been doing.

2 weeks ago I went for a walk and I wanted more. I wanted more fresh air, I wanted more "action", but of course I wasn't able. For so long walking to the garage seemed too far. It felt like walking the marathon or like walking to ends of the earth. It seemed like I'd never be able to get there, by foot, ever again. The thoughts would just send me into "protection-mode" and I'd already feel myself zoning-out from the world, just to be able to make it there and back. And that was just the feeling in my head without even considering how my body would feel.

Because of all the feelings that going for a walk would bring up, I didn't think about it for so long. Also because I was scared that I'd feel guilty for being able to go for a 15 minute walk and not being back in Holland and working. I knew I'd think I'd be able to work and live an active daily life, just for being able to walk for 15 minutes without falling over. It would only wreck with my head. And also the fact that if everyone around were to notice me getting stronger, physically, then they would all think that I'm better and expect me to out of here on the next flight. I wasn't able to deal with all the feelings that a regular walk to the garage would bring up.

But the past weeks, as I've already said, it's been getting me down, the fact that I wasn't physically able or maybe just the fact that I wasn't even trying, that I wasn't even attempting to push my physical boundaries. It was making me feel stuck.
Months ago, Mr. Acupuncturist, was encouraging me to go for walks and to start pushing myself, just a little each week. But that would just send me into turmoil. Because I was trying to listen to what my body needed, at that time. And back then, my body didn't need regular walks. It needed rest. It would wreck with my head because I was trying to do the best I could to get better asap and take advice from all directions, but if everyone was giving me different advice it was only normal that I felt confused and then guilty because I wasn't exercising or walking.
But that's in the past now.

The guilt for not walking or being active, has been gone for quite a while now because I've been so occupied with sorting out my head and working through things. However now that I'm not feeling guilty for not being active tells me I could be mentally strong enough, not to start exercising for the wrong reasons and I think that my body is finally starting to feel strong enough to start being rebuilt. I've got more energy and that also might be the reason as to why I've been having bad sleeps.. I've so much energy that I'm just not that tired when I go to bed.

The past few days, especially last night, my sleep has been brilliant. And that helps so much. A short walk each day, weather permitting, will give me a boost during the day, both mentally and physically. Which will use some of the energy I have flying around inside of me, for me to be able to sleep properly at night. Not only that, it also shows me that there's a whole world out there, beyond these 4 walls. Going for a walk with the intention of just getting some fresh air, is totally different than just walking around town or walking to the car. It clears the mind, lifts the spirit and reminds me that I'm doing good.

I'm not walking out of guilt, for sitting on my backside. Guilt isn't allowed to be an issue when I'm walking or when I'm not walking.. If I'm not walking, then it's because I need a rest or it's because it's raining and therefore I shouldn't feel guilty. If I'm walking then it's because I need it to boost my energy levels and work on getting better. I need to keep on seeing the walking as part of my recovery and not as a sign that I'm already strong and able to work and so I can let go of that side of the guilt too. If I don't I'll only undo all the good that I've been doing. And at the stage in the game, I can't afford to undo all my hard work. If I'm honest, I can feel myself getting slightly carried away, as I always do, so I still have be aware of why I'm doing what I'm doing.

This morning I went for a walk and I didn't time myself, like I used to do back in the summer. I didn't tell myself before leaving the house that I was going to go a certain distance, like I also used to do. I just said to myself, that I'll see how I feel when I'm out and see the distance it will take me. So I walked up to and around the next estate and back again. I was gone for half and hour and I was fine. I didn't feel bad, I didn't feel tired, I didn't need to rest when I got back and I wasn't lifeless. Tuesday the walk went well too. It's only now that I can feel happy that the sun is shining. Because I can benefit from it, if I'm going for a walk. It might not depress me anymore, like it used to. Because I'll slowly be able to enjoy it.

So, it's all good. But I can't get carried away. That's the only thing that I have to be cautious of. I still need to take it easy. And I won't be able to walk and walk for as long as I want, from one day to the next. I know it will take time, until my legs and back are strong again and until I'm able to be active without having to constantly engage in how my body is coping and without constantly having to establish what my limits are. But I should get there.. slowly.