Cutting ties

Today has been a big day. I've finally taken the plunge and I've put in my notice on my place in Breda. It's been on my mind for ages now and I so wanted to do it, but wasn't too sure until a few weeks. And today I did it. So it's decided. And with deciding to give up my place back in Holland, I've also decided to give up my job that I have waiting for me, at the travel agency, in the office, with around 180 other colleagues. I haven't given them my notice yet, but will be doing that within the next two weeks. So that will be that. All will soon be done and dusted.

It feels so weird. Even though I've known for a while now that I don't want to go back to the life I have waiting for me back in Holland, it still felt like a big deal today as I was telling my landlord that I'm moving. It's like that part of my life is being closed. It's like the end of an era and the beginning of something new, I hope.

I'm dreading telling them at work, that I'm not coming back. They have been pretty good to me over the past 6 months. But I can't let that be the reason for me going back to Holland. Because I don't want to be in Holland anymore and if I did want to be in Holland, I wouldn't want to go back to that job. It made me so unhappy and just the thoughts of it, makes feel awful again. So I'm not going to feel guilty about not going back. Even though I do and I know I will. In a way it's like I owe them something.. but it's only a company. Nothing more. I won't be hurting anybody by leaving. I'll only be hurting myself by going back.

So those decisions are made. Today I told my mates as well that I won't be coming back. I don't know if it shocked them, maybe it didn't. They have been so patient and so great for never pressurizing me or trying to find out when and if I was coming back. That helped me so much. Because making this decision was hard, but I did it by myself, without being influenced by what anybody thinks or expects from me. I didn't listen to what people think I should or shouldn't be doing with my life at this stage. I'm doing what I want. I'm doing it because I have to. I feel if I don't, then things will only continue to drag on and I'll end up going insane.

Once all my ties are broken and all the practicalities are over and done with, then I'll be able to focus more on what I want to do and where I want to go. So now that I've taken the first step and have started to talk openly about moving on with my life, everything will slowly fall into place. It has to.

Next weekend, me and Ma are going to Holland, so that weekend I'll be moving all my stuff. And I'll be relieved once it's done and once work knows what the story is. The past few weeks I've just been feeling so stuck and I know it's because of Holland.
After telling my friends I did feel so sad. I don't know why.. Maybe because I never thought this would happen. I never imagined I'd cut my ties from Holland, like this. And I never imagined when I left my room at the end of May last year on a Saturday morning with a hangover, walking through the best city in Holland, dragging my suitcase behind me as I made my way to the station to catch the train to the airport, that it would be the last time for me to actually live in Holland..so strange..

Who knew would have known what I was starting that Saturday I left.. who would have known that I'd be leaving to go on journey that would change me forever.. who would have known that the next time I'd be back there I'd have been to hell and back.. Nobody could have known.. But I'll go back next weekend, one last time, and I'll be free at the end of it. Something I thought I'd never be. I'm going back, just one last time and I'm doing it to be more than just a survivor. I'm doing it to eventually thrive.

This afternoon I was really exhausted. It's been a while since I've felt so tired, from sorting things and opening up to people and thinking rationally..even if it was only by email. I was sad too. I feel like I'm leaving everybody.. my friends, my sisters.. But I have to do this, and I can't start questioning myself. The ball has started rolling and it needs to.