Walking & Food

It's Wednesday afternoon and I'm pretty restless. I'm finding it hard to busy myself in a good way. I want to do so much and it's so nice outside but I've already been for walk this morning to the garage and I can't go walking again..

Yes, it's finally happened, after months and months of not daring to venture out for that 15 minute walk, I did it this morning. It was so nice. The sky was blue and it was cold but I wasn't freezing. I was strong and wasn't floating. I was here on this planet. I was gone for around 45 minutes. I wasn't walking for that amount of time, but was in the garage itself checking out the magazines and stuff. Just as I was approaching the house, I could feel the muscles in my legs feeling odd and my back was starting to ache. So it was enough and probably just as well that I was back home again. But I wanted to go out again. I didn't want to be couped up indoors. Not while I was feeling good with being outside and not while the weather was so nice.

It was so strange to walk up. Just small things that can be so nice. Like smiling at a stranger instead of hanging my head in shame for what that person might think of me. I don't have that anymore. Is that a sign my confidence is coming back? I think so. I know it's good but I don't want to think about it too much.

I just want to get out of this house, so badly. I totally sick of it right now. Which is such a shame because I was feeling so fine, but not being able to get out again, is frustrating me. That's just typical me isn't it.. never pleased with a small step but always wanting more and more and more..

Does that make me greedy? Why can't I just be satisfied with what I've done today? I don't know.. Anyhow, food-wise things have settled since Saturday and I've been feeling fine with it. I don't know what was bothering me on Saturday but I think I had been restricting myself because suddenly the food started to freak me out. The day started and I got excited about all the food that I was going to be eating for the rest of my life and how my I was going to be enjoying it and then I wanted to start eating and never ever stop again. Then I had to throw myself into doing some things on the computer but once I was having dinner and eating again I felt like it was the worst thing in the world for me to be doing. It felt strange.. putting one fork full of food into my mouth after the other...shovelling it down me, almost like a pig. Then I was thinking..who ever came up with the principal of eating to stay alive?? Where did that come from and then the thoughts of what was happening inside me were taking over..
I didn't let all this stop me though. I kept on eating because I had to. I knew if I let it stop me, the next day I'd be wanting to binge.. I'm not too sure what was wrong with me on Saturday, but come to think of it, it was when I was feeling down about the photo's and memories of Oz. So maybe that had something to do with it.

The past few days have been fine. But the mornings are the time of day that I've been worrying about and that are starting to freak me out. I sit at night and I thinking about the next morning. Almost being afraid of what will come.. Will I start I want to eat the whole morning? If I don't, will I be restricting myself and then will I end up binging anyhow? Why have I suddenly started to worry about the mornings? Because breakfast is my favourite meal of the day. It's all I want.. I want yogurt, and cereal and fruit and toast and tea and fruit juice.. I want it all but I can't indulge.. The past 3 days I've been having a bowl of fruit & fibre for breakfast with fruit juice and then around lunchtime I've been having yogurt nuts and dried fruit. If I'm feeling hungry in between I'll have a slice of toast. So that way I'm getting all the things I love. I've treated myself and the day is only half over.. and there's still so much more eating to be done..

I don't know if I'm doing good or bad. But it's what I want to eat. Yes, I'm planning it, so I'm not really eating intuitively. But who does? Nobody really. Everyone has their set meals of what eat during the week, so why can't I? I've eaten like this for the past 2 or 3 days and I've been satisfied and full. I haven't had a craving for anything else. So shouldn't that mean it's good?

I don't eat according to the food-plan either. I haven't for 3 or 4 weeks now, ever since I was sick from the sweet potatoe. And those potatoes were a vital part of the plan, so if I'm not eating them anymore, the plan is automatically out the window. But it doesn't really say that I can't have the food on the food-plan anymore and have a normal potatoe instead of the sweet one. I don't really like normal potatoes.. Maybe once a week and that would be a lot. But certainly not everyday.

At the moment, I'm eating less than the amount of food that's on the plan. I don't feel hungry enough to constantly eat that large amount of food. But then again, I don't count calories each day, so I don't know if what I'm eating now is the same intake as the food-plan. Or come to think of it, I know for a fact that it isn't. Because I'm not eating constantly. And when I'm eating the food-plan, I am constantly eating. If I don't feel the need to eat that amount of food, then isn't it okay? I think so. As long as I'm not restricting myself. And I think I know when I have consciously or subconsciously been in restraint. It's when I suddenly can't stop thinking of food and want to eat and never stop and when the kitchen is freaking me out. But that's always AFTERWARDS. I can't yet always see it, when I'm actually restricting.. I'm not too sure if I've got it all worked out yet and it's complicated and hard to see at times. But maybe I just need more "practise".

So for now, I'm eating what I want and that's okay I think. The sun is starting to set.. There goes my day.. Out the window.. no chance of getting to enjoy the nice weather. O well, hopefully there'll be more days like this and at least I've done something with my restlessness..