Am I what I eat - 1

"You are what you eat". A statement that struck me this morning as being a reason for some of my problems. Where did it suddenly come from? Well, a few things that happened while I was on the laptop this morning in a very short space of time and got me thinking about this statement. It made me realize a few things.. I'll start from the beginning..

I was working on the laptop this morning, just checking my emails, and Eileen walked in to the kitchen. She had just gotten up out of bed. Her first comment was that I'll soon be getting square eyes from being on the computer so often. That totally hit the wrong buttons. I didn't say anything, instead I just sat there and I felt so bad and everything was starting to boil over. My thoughts that I had, and wanted to shout at her, were: "I haven't even been on the computer for 5 minutes!! What does she think I do on it all day, just surf the net, wasting time?? Don't people who work in offices, sit behind a computer screen 40 hours a week?? I don't sit behind it 40 hours a week, and I'm not wasting time or trying to fill the hours of my days. I'm either writing, or sending emails, or I'm sorting out my life.. The amount of time Eileen spends either texting and speaking on the phone to her friends, is probably the same amount of time as I spend on the internet emailing friends.. And how am I ever going to get my life back on track and find out the possibilities and opportunities that are out there in the world, if I don't do research? Would I feel better if I was sitting in front of the tv screen instead? No I wouldn't. It wouldn't get me anywhere." I so wanted to get all that off my chest, and I don't even know why I should justify what I do on the computer each day? Who cares.. But at that moment, I didn't see it like that.. and it made me so angry.

At that same moment as Eileen made her remark, I got an email saying that the plans I have for this weekend are all set in place and that it's all systems go. What plans? Well, this weekend it's Mickeys' (a guy I was travelling in Oz with, for a couple of months) first anniversary. This time last year he died while he was traveling through Asia. Shellie and Kate (2 girls who were also traveling with us) are coming over to pay their respects, this weekend. The mass is on Sunday in Tipperary and they wanted me to come down too for a couple of days. For a while I wasn't too sure I'd be able to deal with it..saying goodbye to him properly and meeting his family, and seeing the girls again, all at once. And I wasn't sure I'd been feeling strong enough to eat properly or physically able to get down there. But a few weeks ago, I became more certain that I'd be able for it (especially after the great weekend in Holland).

So today I got an email saying that his family can't wait to meet me, as they've heard so much about me and that they'll have a bed for me and they'll pick me up from the bus too. The whole week I was having doubts if it would all come together. I honestly couldn't see it happening. But this morning I was reading the email, just after Eileen made her remark. And I was struck with panic and grief. My first thoughts were.. "O no.. what am I going to do? What will happen with food?" As well as feeling anger towards Eileen. AND THEN..to top it all, Eileen was having some nuts and fruit too. I was so angry. I felt like she was stealing my food!!!!

This all happened within the space of 2 minutes. So straight away I had that awful pressure in my chest and wanted to run. I wanted to go back to bed and cry my eyes out. I couldn't bring myself to look at Eileen either. I could feel it all happening. Like many a times before, it was like I was witnessing a scene that was being played out, and I was the main muddled-up character. Every reaction caused another, and each one was bringing me down a little bit more. So for a second I wanted my bed, then I had to think twice.. I didn't want my bed, I wanted fresh air and I needed a walk. So that's what I did. I needed to suss out what had just happened. Why were all these things making me feel so awful, upset and angry, when really there was nothing dramatic happening. Eileen hadn't a clue what her remark and her eating was doing to me.. which afterwards just confirmed my thinking, that there really was nothing major happening and that she didn't mean anything bad by what she said. She was oblivious to it all, for which I'm really very happy, and she asked me normally, before I left to go for a walk, to smell the milk because she thought it had gone sour.. Just goes to show..
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