Back in Ireland

It's Thursday evening. Ma and me got back to Ireland last night. The extended stay in Holland, due to bad weather conditions here in Ireland, wasn't great. But it wasn't a disaster either.

Initially it mucked me up on Tuesday. I had a bad start and didn't want to be around anybody or think too much, so I threw myself into writing, just so I wouldn't need or be expected to chat or interact. It all turned out fine in the end. But being around Aiden or Enya would have a positive effect on anybody's miserable mood. Wednesday I was wrecking my own head, big time. Up until I got on the plane that is. I just wanted to get home. I was sick of the waiting and I noticed that it was causing me to have to worst thoughts and feelings in the world.

I could see it happening, as I always seem to see it lately. I could hear the voice in my head and I wanted to escape it. But of course I couldn't. I know that everyone was glad to see the back of me. And I couldn't blame them for feeling that way. If I would have been able to get away from me at that moment, I would have been glad too.. I was just in such bad form. Maybe I just felt like I was in real bad form because the previous days I had been feeling so good. Maybe the difference between the two feelings was too big. I'm not too sure. But there were moments when I could have easily broken down and when I was on the verge of tears. But I kept it all at bay. I left it all behind as the plane finally took off.

We were back home at around 8 last night. The journey itself went okay. There were not major hick ups and being at the airport didn't wreck my head. I was actually there in mind and body! How different the world can be, when you don't float off to another planet, unintentionally. I had something small for dinner and then there was the big question I'd been toying with for a few days.. Do I go back on the supplement drinks again? I had 6 days without one and I was doing really well. I was getting enough energy from food and I was feeling full nearly all the time. I was fine with getting more calories from other sources. So last night I was afraid to have a supplement. I started to see it like taking a step back again. I'd become dependent on them again. I'd get used to having one, every night and it would only be harder to come off them again, in weeks to come. So what was I supposed to do?

I was thinking and thinking.. I didn't have a proper dinner yesterday because we were travelling and didn't really get the chance. So I thought it was best to have one at around 10 o'clock. Just to get enough calories for that day. I was feeling exhausted so I knew I needed a "nutrition-boost". And as I was thinking about it so much, I knew I had to have one.. It was on my mind and I was craving one. So I had one. I wasn't hungry though and it didn't go down too well. I don't know why. The first mouthful was real nice and familiar and safe but then the second one just made me feel queasy. But I forced it down. I had to finish it or else I'd feel guilty. I drank it and was so sorry afterwards.

I felt like I'd broken a seal.. it felt like I was hooked on these drinks and therefore coming off them and feeling fine was some sort of achievement that choosing to have one last night only made me feel like failure. I really needed a second opinion on what to do. I don't know if it really is as big a deal as I made it out to be (probably not, because I seem to be really good a blowing things out of proportion..). Or to cut to the chase.. I wasn't sure if I was going backwards by having a supplement last night.

It's now coming up to the time I'd usually have one..again (how quickly the hours go by..) and I'm not too sure what to do. They are just sitting in the bottom of the fridge.. Around 30 drinks. I can't just leave them there?? I can't just ignore them, when I could be getting more nutrition? They could be making me stronger and giving me a boost.. So why would I try to stay away from them if all they'll do, is good? Am I going backwards by having one a day, instead of none?? But if I know that I can easily be without, then doesn't that make it okay for me to still be drinking them?? Was the fact that they made me feel ill last night, just my body rejecting them and a sign that I don't need them anymore?? Have I reached my limits when it comes to building back up my daily food and calorie-intake??

After the drink last night, I went to bed. I didn't want to think about it anymore. I didn't want to regret having it. I needed to erase it from my mind and I was exhausted too and wanted the morning to come, so I could have a really really nice breakfast.. And finally the night passed and the morning came and I wasn't feeling bad anymore. I was just happy to be here and happy to be going to acupuncture.

I was chatting to Mr. Acupuncturist before the treatment. And as I missed my session with Diann this week, I was inclined to dump all of my "stuff" on him, but I couldn't. When I was talking, I realized that it really wasn't that big a deal, that I had the extra few days in Holland. It was unexpected but I got through it without giving in to my awful feelings too much. It was a challenge, but I rose to it, so all is well. I'm not questioning the bad thoughts anymore. I know why they came up and I know I let them go too. I know that it was just a bad reaction to something I had depended on happening. And if all they were, were bad thoughts that didn't effect my eating, then that's okay. So be it. Worse things have happened.

The treatment was so nice today. I did notice that I was fairly drained though, compared to last week. Last week I was still energized and buzzing. Each needle he stuck into me, I reacted to. But today I didn't react to any of them, because of the hectic days I've had. I was feeling the effects of them though, as always. This afternoon they were still having a lovely effect on me. So all is well and the food is making me so happy!